There are few absolute rules in life, but one of them is when your sister says you should review a new Taco Bell item, you review that new Taco Bell item. I think that one has been in place since Shakespeare’s time, but don’t quote me on that.
There are few absolute rules in life, but one of them is when your sister says you should review a new Taco Bell item, you review that new Taco Bell item. I think that one has been in place since Shakespeare’s time, but don’t quote me on that.
Dear friends at Taco Bell,
I have a rare complaint. First, though, I’d like to use the time honored method of cutting the tension between us by saying something nice before I get into the bad stuff.
I knew it was coming for a few months, and finally during the Super Bowl most of America got their first look at Taco Bell’s new Quesalupa.
People’s opinions on Taco Bell vary widely, and nowhere is that more true than in the dating world. Sure, there are those who celebrate the wonderful contributions that Taco Bell makes to our lives, but much more often even the knowledge that I like said deliciousness leads to texts like this:
That was a pre-emptive shutdown of the idea of going to Taco Bell, which I wasn’t even offering in the first place. I mean, what could be worse than eating a simple meal with someone you like?
Of course, some people make their Taco Bell feelings clear in their profile, which seems to me like the perfect method for filtering. So I used one site’s search feature to compile a quick sampling TB attitudes.
It so does count! Come on! We’ll never succeed as a species if we don’t proudly stand behind our beliefs!
You’re BAD. I’m sorry, that was harsh. But so was making such a declaration about TB. You might even say it was preachy. I should also point out that this person’s profile picture is a rabbit.
Well, I can appreciate your views and thank you for respectfully setting culinary expectations.
Listen, lady, there’s no need to curse. You could have just stopped two sentences earlier and been totally cool.
Oh now this is a different problem altogether. I can’t decide if the first issue to tackle is a nice Taco Bell lunch or this cobweb situation. At the very least I need to know what an alternative pronunciation would even be.
Forget math, musical ability or naming state capitals backwards, this is a true talent.
This one started out so well, and then I completely stopped understanding her point. What kind of life prioritizes abs over chalupas? Not one I want, that’s for sure.
Wow, I can save you a lot of time. The basic process is acquiring Taco Bell food (either by walking into the restaurant and ordering when your turn in line comes up, or by utilizing the drive thru), then you unwrap the menu item you’d like to eat, open your mouth, place a portion of the item inside, bite down, chew and swallow. It’s actually the exact same process you would use when drunk, so it shouldn’t be too hard for you to figure out.
You just did publicly admit that, and there’s no shame! Sing it loud and proud!!! I moved last year to a place farther away from Taco Bell. It’s only half a mile farther, but I can feel the separation in my bones.
You’re out.
This is not the Taco Bell experience I desire. Have a blessed life.
There’s no need to bring social desirability into this. You do you, and if that’s Taco Bell, then great! All the haters have plenty of each other to choose from.
Amen. Are you free Friday night?
Once in a while, great things happen to us.
So, we’ll see you tomorrow? #CapnCrunchDelights pic.twitter.com/7umLWZVl2Q
— Taco Bell (@tacobell) July 1, 2015
I was casually browsing Twitter and noticed my friends at Taco Bell reminding the world that the glorious-sounding Cap’n Crunch Delights were about to be released into the wild. If you’re not familiar, these are an off-shoot of the Cinnabon Delights that are easily the best thing to emerge from the Taco Bell breakfast menu.
Naturally, since Taco Bell is literally on my way home, I had to grab a couple of these guys (two for a dollar-ish):
As a fan of Crunch Berries, I did not think there was any chance I wouldn’t love these. We’re basically talking about a lighter donut hole with icing and Crunch Berries bits.
All it took was one bite to confirm the amazingness at work here:
These are truly phenomenal. I don’t want to know how many I could eat in one sitting because the number is probably somewhere around 30 and that seems not great for my long-term goals on this planet. But two of them? Go for it.
I will say, though, that they do taste more on the Trix end of the cereal spectrum, which is certainly not far from Crunch Berries, just a tiny bit different. But whatever, I won’t begin to complain.
When it comes to Taco Bell, I’m pretty simple. My meal always includes either a Mexican pizza or a cheesy gordita crunch (or both) and a minimum amount of extra sauce.
But when it comes to the sauce, I’m a wuss. You will not see me employing the fire sauce. On rare occassions, I will rock some hot sauce on the Mexican pizza instead of mild and verde:
But Taco Bell is not deterred by my lack of interest in climbing the Scoville scale. Today I noticed a new bin of sauce packets, making the progression now go Mild->Hot->Fire->DIABLO:
No. Thank you. My most frequent TB companion is a hot sauce fan, though, and after I sent him the above picture, he seemed into it:
Okay, I admit there is no official “Man vs Food” style challenge at work here, and eating that many packets will likely not do much to increase your longevity. But you also never know until you try, so give it a shot and let me know your results!
And if you’re wondering why I have this friend labeled as “Mklovin,” I do have a logical explanation. Back in the older cell phone days, texting/calling individuals from my contact list in a quick manner first required searching for their name. Unfortunately I had frequently contacted people named both Mike and Mika, so typing M-I-K took forever and did not get me Mike. So he became Mklovin, speeding up my phone life by an entire character.
McDonald’s brought back the Hamburglar, and KFC is reintroducing Colonel Sanders into its advertising, leaving one clear move in the fast food realm: the return of the Taco Bell dog.
Between 1997 and 2000, a Chihuahua named Gidget graced our TV screens in numerous commercials designed to make us say, “Yo quiero Taco Bell.” It was during this time that my connection with the hallowed food franchise solidified into what has been the greatest relationship I will ever have.
How big of a role did the dog play? It’s hard to say. I could not quiero Taco Bell any more, that’s for sure. In fact, at this moment I’m counting down the hours until I go there for dinner.
All I ask is that they do their best to bring back the dog in a form that is the opposite of what McDonald’s has done with the Hamburglar. What was once a fun little cartoon villain is now what can only be described as creepy.
McD’s is after me (apparently, so is my wife)! Tweet #RobbleRobble to keep them off my trail. https://t.co/JBVThrmHir
— McDonald’s (@McDonalds) May 12, 2015
Although I will say the new campaign taught me that his catchphrase is “robble, robble” and not “rubble, rubble” as I had previously thought. So there’s that.
After we get the Taco Bell dog back, we need to McDonald’s to up their game with a new Grimace too.
Let’s all take a minute and pause to remember our discontinued friend, the Taco Bell waffle taco.
The fine people running the Taco Bell universe decided that after a year we no longer needed a waffle wrapped around a piece of meat and some egg. I won’t argue with them. While I did enjoy the waffle taco experience, I have to admit that it wasn’t an item that made me go out of my way at breakfast time.
In its place, Taco Bell launched a new line of similarly shaped items called biscuit tacos. I’ll give you a second to imagine what may be involved here.
We now have a biscuit — think the KFC variety — wrapped around a few combinations of protein sources. I tried three of them (not all at once), and since I have become the nation’s foremost Taco Bell connoisseur*, naturally I have to advise you on their worthiness in your life.
The first was the egg and cheese variety.
I was really not ready for the biscuityness of these things. I was expecting more of a gordita-type experience, but again ended up with something that could have come out of a KFC. Which now that I write that out seems pretty damn logical considering KFC and Taco Bell are part of the same company (and in many glorious instances, the same restaurant).
Overall this is a decent basic breakfast item. No frills, all business. It’s the cheese pizza of non-traditional breakfast choices. On a four-star scale, I give this version a 2.2.
Next, the two crispy chicken varieties.
These come with either a country gravy or jalapeno honey sauce. We need to consider these separately.
The country gravy is awesome. Of the three, this is the best. It gets a 2.5. On the other hand, the jalapeno honey is awful, earning no more than a 1.3, and most of those points come from the fact that the sauce comes on the side and you could just eat the biscuit and chicken on their own for a better time.
Now is the time for me to say something shocking. Please sit down, grab your computer, phone or tablet with two hands, and prepare your mind for rapid decompression.
Overall, I have soured on the Taco Bell breakfast experience. Eating that last jalapeno biscnightmare made me see the situation from a new perspective, and that view is that there’s nothing “Taco Bell” about most of the breakfast menu. With the exception of the burritos, pretty much everything else belongs at KFC. Let them start breakfast!
If Taco Bell really wants to make money in the mornings, I have a tremendous idea for them that will cost zero dollars and zero time in product development. All they need to do is continue to pay the current staff on the breakfast shift (so they’ll continue showing up for work), and simply offer the normal menu at earlier hours.
Now I know what you may be thinking, who would go to Taco Bell for regular food at 8 a.m.? If this is a serious question in your mind, you haven’t paid much attention to the Taco Bell consumer culture. I think I speak for all of us when I say I would enjoy the hell out of a Mexican pizza for breakfast just as much as if the clock said 11:30 (either a.m. or p.m.). I’m not going out of my way — literally seven feet since it’s on my way home — to get any of these breakfast things, but I would for my normal Taco Bell experience.
That was pretty rant-y, but hey, that’s what happens when someone close to you let’s you down.
*This may not be true, but until proven otherwise I’m claiming it
Last night, my Taco Bell trip had a bit of a wrinkle. After paying at the drive-thru, the woman asked if I could pull around and park while they made my food.
So I did, finding myself staring at the side of the building thinking that I was doing this in the wrong city.
At my Taco Bell, it’s just me. There were a few other cars there, but nobody inside of them. Over in Los Angeles though, people like Anna Kendrick are in the parking lot enjoying all the greatness that Taco Bell has to offer:
Anna, if you’re reading, imagine this wonderful scenario: a bag full of cheesy gordita crunches, you rocking your foam taco hat, me in my Taco Bell pajamas, just a couple of kids enjoying the best meal this world has to offer.
Though maybe really what I should do is be friends with Conan. He seems to have a lot of Taco Bell-related material:
After this aired the other night I tweeted out the link and got a reply from Taco Bell:
@cjhannas Or really love Taco Bell.
— Taco Bell (@tacobell) January 22, 2015
I’ll be waiting for my invitation to arrive any day now.
This is the first of a series of posts suggested by friends on Facebook after I asked for requests. Today’s, from Joey, is very simple: to review new Taco Bell menu items.
As Joey wrote, “You are the voice of the people who enjoy low cost Mexican food.” I can’t imagine a better compliment. After all, this is my Twitter bio:
My rating system here will be simple. Since the Mexican Pizza is my idea of Taco Bell perfection, I will give each item here some fraction of a Mexican pizza, with a rating of four quarters being something I would trade you straight-up for a Mexican pizza.
While not super new, the shredded chicken mini quesadilla is one of the great throw-in items when you are feeling extra hungry. 2.4 Mexican pizza quarters.
It’s also — I’m 99.999999% sure — the only thing you can get at Taco Bell that comes in foil instead of a customer paper wrapping or box. The result is wonderfully gooey cheese to go along with the shredded chicken, which is good in whatever menu item it’s offered. It has just the right small amount of spice in the sauce, and for only a dollar, you really can’t go wrong. The only thing holding this back is size since it would take roughly 11 to be a solid meal.
The newest things out right now are the crunchwrap sliders. In theory, I should hate these since I really don’t like the long-existing crunchwrap supreme. These come in three varieties, each at $1. The wrapper design makes me wonder if there was originally a fourth one that got canned along the way.
Let’s start with the BLT, which I really shouldn’t like since I’m also not a fan of bacon. Save your pitchforks on that detail, I know society shuns me (a date once came to a crashing halt when I dropped that nugget).
2.5 Mexican pizza quarters. This is surprisingly good. Very light, perhaps the lightest thing I’ve ever had at TB. Thankfully it isn’t overpowering with bacon flavor, though if you are a bacon lover you might be disappointed. Better with some mild sauce.
Next up, the spicy chicken edition.
2.6 Mexican pizza quarters. This is ridiculously filling for a dollar, certainly making it one of the best values on the menu along with something like the shredded chicken burrito. For a “spicy” thing, it’s also not too spicy thanks to the sauce like that in the mini quesadilla. This may seem like an odd choice, but the verde sauce is an awesome combo with this slider. This is definitely my favorite of the sliders.
Last, and sadly least is the beefy cheddar slider.
1.5 Mexican pizza quarters. I could have given this rating without even eating this one. For some reason, anything with this kind of melted cheese and beef is not up my Taco Bell alley. As with the beefy cheese burrito, these items always have too much of the cheese and really lack some third ingredient to balance the flavor with the beef. This is also the one that made me notice the crunchwrap shell, which is what I dislike the most about the crunchwrap supreme. Do not eat this thing.
I’ll also take this opportunity to quickly rank the Taco Bell itself. I was talking at work once with another Taco Bell afficionado and asked her how good a certain location was, only to get an “are you insane?” look from another coworker nearby. I find this to be a useful system when deciding whether to make a TB stop or perhaps proceed to another location or find something else to eat.
The one by my house in Reston? It’s a 5.5 out of 4. It’s one of the shops with an updated interior and a staff that is nothing but ecstatically friendly to me. In roughly six years they have never once messed up anything about my many orders. Go see them.
For those in my general area, the others are rated as follows:
Fair Lakes — 3
Elden Street — 2
Sully Plaza — 1.5 (slooooowest one of all time)
Sterling Blvd — 1.4
Silver Spring — 1.4