Let’s all take a minute and pause to remember our discontinued friend, the Taco Bell waffle taco.

The fine people running the Taco Bell universe decided that after a year we no longer needed a waffle wrapped around a piece of meat and some egg.  I won’t argue with them.  While I did enjoy the waffle taco experience, I have to admit that it wasn’t an item that made me go out of my way at breakfast time.

In its place, Taco Bell launched a new line of similarly shaped items called biscuit tacos.  I’ll give you a second to imagine what may be involved here.

We now have a biscuit — think the KFC variety — wrapped around a few combinations of protein sources.  I tried three of them (not all at once), and since I have become the nation’s foremost Taco Bell connoisseur*, naturally I have to advise you on their worthiness in your life.

The first was the egg and cheese variety.

I was really not ready for the biscuityness of these things.  I was expecting more of a gordita-type experience, but again ended up with something that could have come out of a KFC.  Which now that I write that out seems pretty damn logical considering KFC and Taco Bell are part of the same company (and in many glorious instances, the same restaurant).

Overall this is a decent basic breakfast item.  No frills, all business.  It’s the cheese pizza of non-traditional breakfast choices.  On a four-star scale, I give this version a 2.2.

Next, the two crispy chicken varieties.

These come with either a country gravy or jalapeno honey sauce.  We need to consider these separately.

The country gravy is awesome.  Of the three, this is the best.  It gets a 2.5.  On the other hand, the jalapeno honey is awful, earning no more than a 1.3, and most of those points come from the fact that the sauce comes on the side and you could just eat the biscuit and chicken on their own for a better time.

Now is the time for me to say something shocking.  Please sit down, grab your computer, phone or tablet with two hands, and prepare your mind for rapid decompression.

Overall, I have soured on the Taco Bell breakfast experience.  Eating that last jalapeno biscnightmare made me see the situation from a new perspective, and that view is that there’s nothing “Taco Bell” about most of the breakfast menu.  With the exception of the burritos, pretty much everything else belongs at KFC.  Let them start breakfast!

If Taco Bell really wants to make money in the mornings, I have a tremendous idea for them that will cost zero dollars and zero time in product development.  All they need to do is continue to pay the current staff on the breakfast shift (so they’ll continue showing up for work), and simply offer the normal menu at earlier hours.

Now I know what you may be thinking, who would go to Taco Bell for regular food at 8 a.m.?  If this is a serious question in your mind, you haven’t paid much attention to the Taco Bell consumer culture.  I think I speak for all of us when I say I would enjoy the hell out of a Mexican pizza for breakfast just as much as if the clock said 11:30 (either a.m. or p.m.).  I’m not going out of my way — literally seven feet since it’s on my way home — to get any of these breakfast things, but I would for my normal Taco Bell experience.

That was pretty rant-y, but hey, that’s what happens when someone close to you let’s you down. 

*This may not be true, but until proven otherwise I’m claiming it