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Mom Fan Favorites

Last night I texted my mom some disappointing news: Tyler Clippard, her favorite Nationals player, had just been traded to Oakland. Her response involved emojis with tears.

Once news of the trade broke, it was the only topic of conversation among the Nats Twitter community where I regularly converse with a bunch of fellow fans. But as we all made sense of the deal and shared memories of Clippard, an interesting pattern emerged. My mom was not the only Nats fan mom who counted him as her favorite.

Mom with Clippard warming up before a game in 2013

One fan told me her soon-to-be 87-year-old mom was “crushed” when she broke the news to her, and that her mom may be writing a letter of protest.

A Nats Twitter friend said of his mom, “Mine cried…still might be.”

Another friend said she herself is the mom in this situation, and dreaded telling her two daughters about one of their favorites leaving when they woke up this morning (the account she later posted of that process was very sad).

All of this made me wonder, who is the equivalent guy on the other Major League teams? Fortunately baseball Twitter people are awesome, and after scrolling through my list to find fans of other teams I had some quick answers.

Royals:

@cjhannas oh Eric Hosmer, for sure.
— William Gallo (@GalloVOA) January 15, 2015

Pirates:

@cjhannas Neil Walker. As my mom would say, “he’s dreamy.”
— T (@taralumarie) January 15, 2015

Mariners:

@cjhannas but in the past a lot of people liked Raul Ibanez each and every time he was on the M’s (my mom loved him!)
— Tova Perlow (@DugoutDiva) January 15, 2015

Phillies:

@cjhannas Hamels!! The Moms? him
— Laura_B (@lb_423) January 15, 2015

Cardinals:

@cjhannas: Hmmm…moms? Well Yadi’s the most popular overall. But I would say moms are particularly fond of Matheny.
— Kelsey Shea Weinrich (@kelseyshea11) January 15, 2015

Orioles:

.@cjhannas Nick Markakis. But now he’s a Brave. I’m going to go JJ Hardy
— j money ham (@jfmonahan) January 15, 2015

Rangers:

@cjhannas Michael Young?
— Mina Park (@minapark) January 15, 2015

Brewers (Jonathan Lucroy):

@cjhannas @vodkalemonades @ktek7 LUUUUUUUUUUC
— Kristin (@10iskristin) January 15, 2015

There’s definitely a certain look that’s common among this group. You could plausibly convince me that Walker, Hamels, Matheny, Hardy, Young and Lucroy are all cousins.

And although I don’t know any Twins fans, discussions with the Royals fan Bill brought up the guy who may be the ultimate active mom fan favorite: Joe Mauer. He’s one of the “cousins” too.

So long, Tyler, it’s been a real treat.

January 15, 2015 baseball Uncategorized
Calvin McFly

This is a rare time I will admit to failing at a post.

Ordinarily, if I have an idea that doesn’t quite pan out, you never know because I abandon it and write something else. But in this case, I’m going to spell out my defeat and then attempt to rally and come through anyway.

Let’s start at the beginning. The task, from my friend Jon, was this:

“Comprehensive analysis of why Marty McFly was a better Calvin Klein revenue generator than Mark Wahlberg and the Biebs combined.”

Because this is the Internet where multiple generations dwell, let me quickly lay out the pieces of that so everyone is on the same page.

Marty McFly: Michael J. Fox’s character in “Back to the Future.” While time traveling in the past, he meets his own mother, and needing to stay undercover, goes with it when she calls him Calvin Klein based on the name written on his underwear.

Mark Wahlberg: Rapper, actor, restaurant partner, appeared in Calvin Klein ads in 1992.

Justin Bieber: Singer, leader of tween army, currently appearing in Calvin Klein ads.

My plan was to approach this purely analytically by finding Calvin Klein corporate earnings for 1991, 1992 and 1993 (Wahlberg before/during/after), and 1984, 1985 and 1986 (Back to the Future before/during/after). Since I don’t have a flux capacitor to get 2015 and 2016 earnings I was going to make an argument against the Biebs either way.

I started with the early years, and after a ridiculous amount of searching came up with this disappointing revelation: Calvin Klein was privately held back then, meaning no public earnings (though that article does peg sales at $500 million).

To make matters worse, the company also licensed out manufacturing to other companies, and has itself been acquired several times since then. In short, this method had zero chance of producing anything useful.

So let’s shift to a simpler argument.

In the movie, Marty McFly is a teenager who isn’t the coolest guy at school and certainly isn’t a jock. He’s just a guy.

See? He’s got a t-shirt and crazy bed head just like the rest of us. In fact, that t-shirt remains even as his Calvin Kleins come into view:

On the other hand, there’s Wahlberg and Bieber. You can see in that piece that their ads put no value on shirts or colors, all while utilizing bodies that most of us (even with some digital work) can’t really identify with.

A great advertisement either introduces you to a product or reinforces it in your mind, but in either case puts it in your world. You can see yourself using that blender or enjoying that unlimited pasta bowl with your family. Show me all the Ferrari commercials you want, but you’re wasting your time.

Bieber’s photo in that article catches him saying: “Hey girl, this is my photo shoot. Don’t you see me being shirtless right here? This is Calvin Klein, not your time.”

To his right, Wahlberg is saying: “Mr. Photo Man, how did you get in my house? I have like 17 dogs out there and a bigass gate. My lady here doesn’t like you either. You better not have knocked over her motorcycle.”

Now let’s go back to McFly:

He was sleeping in those Calvin Kleins like a perfectly normal person. The girl left the room, so he scrambles to throw on his jeans and cover those bad boys up. You know, like underwear is designed to be.

Which scenario makes you think, “Hm, now there’s a product I could incorporate into my life”? You can try to sell aspiration, or you can sell practicality. Sell a Porsche or sell a Camry.

Winner: McFly.

January 14, 2015 Uncategorized
Running, Inside My Head

What does running a race feel like?

That’s what my friend Kelly wants to know. I learned in my very first journalism class that one of the things you cannot talk about without attribution is how another person feels. Such instances of “ESP” earned you a ride in a virtual ejection seat (this professor is pretty entertaining).

But having run tons of 5Ks and half-marathons myself, I can describe my own experience.

Narrowing it down to single words depends on the day: exhilarating, frustrating, satisfying, free, exhausting, amazing, painful, essential.

The first one is anxious confidence. Standing in a corral with hundreds or thousands or tens of thousands of my sportily attired best friends, I know I put in the training yet there are no guarantees of what will happen once the gun goes off. In the last minutes the adrenaline begins to build. A national anthem or jet flyover (that’s only happened once) only enhance that.

BOOM. We’re off. The first half-mile of 13.1 is chaos. I’m alternating between flying and throwing on the brakes as I navigate my way through a dense crowd of people running at all different speeds. I try to move to the far left where there’s usually a lane to avoid much of the craziness, but often it’s like playing sideways Frogger finding the right nooks to duck in and the right people to follow.

Then the crowd thins out as we spread into an ever elongating snake through the streets of whatever city. I try to get a sense of how well I made it through relative to my goal pace but the real answer comes with a sign that says “Mile 1.” The time on my watch is almost always faster than I expect, bringing immediate instructions from body management to breathe and settle into my pace.

It’s here that I take a good look around, checking out the scenery and those around me. Is there someone who’s running my goal pace? Someone a tiny bit faster? Let’s keep them in view and let their strides lead the way.

The next few miles are the hardest. They’re the ones that make me question my sanity and whether I can maintain this pace for another hour. I do my best to not think about how many miles remain, but it’s impossible. Breathe. Settle in. When my stride or pace feels off, I often think of a song to get me back on course. This song:

WE are, YEAH I said it, WE are….LEFT right, LEFT right then, LEFT again…That’s my fast, comfortable pace. I’m working hard, but not destroying my legs in mile 4. I do this on my tempo training runs too, so while the music plays in my head, I see the bike trail by my house flying by in the memories of runs that I CRUSHED.

Miles 5, 6, 7…cruising. Confidence builds with each one. In my head these are the miles I “click off” as if they are checkboxes on a form. Get through that seventh mile anywhere near goal pace and I’m on top of the world. I’m about to hit the stretch where I feel the best. My stride is open and free, gliding along knowing I’m only counting down the miles now. I think ahead to the finish where volunteers, family, friends and random city people will be lining the street yelling encouragement while thumping music plays and a guy on the PA calls out names of people crossing the line.

Miles 8, 9, 10…Thoughts of Sunday mornings at sunrise stepping outside my house and doing long runs at these distances. Week after week, building muscle, getting used to being on my feet that long, up hills, through heat and cold, splashing carefree through the rain. At the end of this leg is a major mental milestone. Just a measly little 5K to go. The math is easier too. Figuring out what time is possible in mile 7 is an educated guess. At mile 10, I’m adding three numbers with a much better idea of what’s left in the tank.

Mile 11 I’m hanging on. One more good one to set me up for the final stretch. Breathe. Push. Forget about what hurts. Think of the food at the finish line. Twenty more minutes of hard work and then I can collapse on the couch the rest of the day. I’m not running for a week after this so there’s no reason to leave anything in reserve.

Mile 12. Go. Go go go. I’m thinking about the million two-mile runs I’ve done, many of them with a giant hill after working all night. This is cake. I try to pick out someone ahead of me to catch. It won’t happen immediately — this is a longer game. I have two miles to reel them in. At the same time, my mind turns to a macro view. All those training runs, those first 11 miles, and here we are. There’s only a tiny bit left. WE’RE DOING THIS. No matter how many times I’ve raced this distance, the end is a real thing. It’s an accomplishment, something I’ve worked toward for months and I’m about to reap the reward of every drop of sweat.

My greatest race memory is mile 12 of the Raleigh City of Oaks Half-Marathon in 2009. I think about it all the time when I need a boost on a long run:

That was the best mile I’ll ever run in my life. Not the fastest by any measure — the BEST. The biggest shot of adrenaline surged through my veins when I saw 7:18. Not only was it ridiculous for me to go that fast in mile 12, it was at that point that I knew I was going to crush my personal best. I went into that race wanting to finish in 1:45, and with this mile I knew I could do the next one in 9 minutes and still beat that goal. Anyone looking on would have seen me pumping my fist. YEAH!!

Mile 13. The finish line calls. The first half of this mile is like number 11 — hang on. The second half is about pushing every last bit of energy through the soles of my shoes as my legs and lungs burn. And yet, it’s a celebration in my mind. Just like the last leg of the Tour de France where the winner glides along sipping champagne, my brain knows at this point how close we are to being done and how satisfying it will be to stand there with a medal around my neck.

With every step the city gets louder. A few people here and there on the sidewalk becomes small groups, then entire blocks with a line of people holding signs and offering WOOOOOOs and shouts of encouragement with the names of the runners around me. Cow bells are ringing. The bass of the finish line sound system is thumping. The archway with its ticking clock comes into view. Yes yes yes yes yes, go go go go go. Finish. Finish. Finish.

A few more steps, a big exhale and a glance at my watch. A personal best, right on goal time, a little slower or a time that means I simply finished. Breathe. Relax. Drink. Another look at my watch and I’m already debriefing. Whatever that number means, I’m evaluating it in light of how I trained, and what happened during that race.

But most of all I am done. I have accomplished. I will eat pizza and take a nap. And in a week I will tie my shoes, step outside my door, and take the first steps toward next time.

January 12, 2015 running Uncategorized
Slip Sledding Away

Last Tuesday it snowed, and the weather has been cold enough since then that there’s still some of it around. Yesterday I went to my parents’ house before a birthday brunch for my brother-in-law.

Why do these things matter? Timing. Because today’s assignment is this:

My answer is that it depends on what sort of snow riding experience you desire. Sleds are more the SUVs of the snow world, good for going in straight lines and especially useful if you’re likely to be in a crash. Saucers and their cousin the tube are like a Ferrari you drive while blindfolded. You’re going to go faster, but there is zero chance you’ll have any control during a single point of the ride.

Let niece Mady and I demonstrate a tube ride from Thanksgiving:

As a kid, my first sledding location was this spot in my parents’ front yard:

The first trip down was not that fun, but once that track was cut we would dive into the sleds and have a quick, exciting trip to the bottom where the ditch kindly prevented us from flying into the road. The only problem with this location was the relatively short run.

The solution? Across the street there are two houses with fenced-in backyards with a very convenient gap of about 10 feet in between the fences. There was someone I don’t know standing next to their car when I was there yesterday, so enjoy this Google Streetview image of the site:

A saucer trip here was incredible with how fast you can go, and yet the chance of slamming into the fence was roughly 2,000 percent. Sleds were ideal. A bunch of kids from the neighborhood would converge here and all at once we would set out down the hill, some of us riding tandem, others diving in to gain speed after a first group had gone ahead. Bonus points if you could start on the driveway, dive into the sled and make it between the fences without going face-first into the corner on the left. The result was basically a Nascar race with bumping and crashes and someone emerging at the bottom in snowy glory.

There were no major injuries (that I know of). Though at one point a similar mass sledding race took place inside the yard on the right, and after my older brother crashed one of the other kids flew over a bump riding a quasi snowboard and landed on my brother’s face. He walked home with a cut on his lip and a chunk of green snowboard plastic in his teeth.

The snowboard itself has a mark on the bottom where that happened. I would have a picture of that for you, but I just remembered that part now, and the snowboard is in the attic in my parents’ garage. You’ll just have to use your imagination on this one.

January 11, 2015 Uncategorized
T-Swizz Video

My friend Anastasia tasked me with watching videos from my one-time nemesis Taylor Swift and discussing how they relate to events in my life.

Technologically, this was one of the more satisfying posts I’ve done in a while thanks to my Chromecast allowing me to watch YouTube videos on my TV:

I started with Blank Space and went down the rabbit hole of videos in the side column.

Let’s just get to the most important part of this video, which depicts my truly ideal relationship:

When you’re riding bikes inside your dope library, what other concerns could you have in life?

“You look like my next mistake.” One could argue given my track record that I make a lot of mistakes in the dating world. After all, for every weird or unsuccessful first date I’ve ever been on (a large number), there was a point at which I thought that person was a great idea. I should be saying this to myself every time from now on.

Wait a minute, are they staying at Mr. Burns’ house? Looks like they’re taking his security hounds for a walk:

“They’ll tell you I’m insane.” To be honest, for a long time I thought this line was “They’ll tell you all your mistakes.” Really though, wouldn’t this be a useful service? You wouldn’t have to ever look if you didn’t want to, but I can’t tell you the number of times I wished I could have a Yelp review of a date. How many stars? What was great, what did she hate? This should be a thing in 2015.

“‘Cause darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream.” This in whole sums up my dating life, and yet I’m so thankful that I’ve managed to dodge this is in a single person. Yes, a few interesting experiences, but at least no knives have been involved.

Next stop: Shake it Off. I see Taylor found the outfit I sleep in:

“I go on too many dates, but I can’t make ’em stay…” See the above section, though fortunately I can usually pretty quickly shake it off. I do enjoy her spirit of dorkily trying all of these things in the video, especially when she drops my clumsy spirit animal move to close it out:

Moving on to I Knew You Were Trouble.

“…and I realize, the blame is on me.” This is the hardest thing in any relationship/dating situation. It’s hard not to blame yourself for a lot of things, especially when in hindsight it seems like you should have known better. “Now I realize, the joke is on me.” And then walk away feeling stupid. Shaking off, shaking off, shaking off…

This song reminds me of helping to paint my friend MacKenzie’s apartment, mainly because it was during that operation that I heard this whole album for the first (and only?) time. This was a really “small world” day. While painting in one room, I heard a guy in another room talking about one of his coworkers — roughly the same story I had heard from another friend of mine. I raced in there and confirmed that this guy and my friend worked at the same place with the same ridiculous coworker. To add another element, I also learned around that same time that MacKenzie was friends with a girl in North Carolina who was my niece’s daycare teacher. You want even more? I just learned a few weeks ago that MacKenzie is friends with Anastasia’s housemate. That’s a pretty small world.

I would be remiss if I did not point out the particularly punk Taylor in this video. She looks in this shot roughly how I do when I stare at a blaring alarm clock:

Let’s go to We Are Never Getting Back Together. The band in this video is truly frightening:

Like, seriously what is their deal:

With her new foray into pop, is this the same band she’s had her whole career? I’d like someone to answer this for me so I don’t have to look it up.

“This is exhausting.” Taylor’s catalog of songs about dating distilled into three simple, poignant words.

I don’t know about, but now I’m feeling 22. Speaking of perfectly speaking to my life, let’s talk about this T-shirt:

“Not a lot going on at the moment.” Yeah that pretty well describes sitting on my couch watching Taylor Swift videos. No overscheduled life for this guy.

“It feels like one of those nights, we won’t be sleeping.” If that’s not about a guy who works overnights then I don’t know what is. “It feels like a perfect night, for eating breakfast at midnight.” Oh that nails it too. I have no idea what to call each meal of the day, but generally settle on moving “lunch” to the middle of the night and leaving the others alone.

Next on the playlist: Teardrops on My Guitar by SUPER YOUNG TAYLOR WITH STONES GLUED TO HER HAND.

Sorry for the CAPS, that was just a huge change in looks.

I had this song stuck in my head a lot when it was on the radio. I was living in Jacksonville, Fla., and my alarm clock struggled to dial in the local rock station, so I had it set to the pop station. Day after day after day it went off in the wee hours with Taylor lamenting this boy she was super into but who was otherwise entangled. Not the ideal song for waking you up, but often it would be followed by something like this that would make me get out of bed:

Back to Taylor and You Belong With Me. I think this is her most effective “YOU’RE MAKING TERRIBLE LIFE CHOICES BY CHOOSING SOMEONE ELSE OVER ME” song. She gets right to the point: “You belong with me.” It’s a little toward the stalker end of the spectrum, but I get it. It sucks when you see someone in a relationship that is clearly not ideal and you feel you would be better, and yet the world doesn’t play along. This dude is with me:

Later he sign-asks if she’s going to the prom(?) and she sign-replies that she is not, and will instead spend the evening studying. I did that, without the sign part, and swapped out studying for selling shoes at my part-time job. Fourteen years later, I stand by my decision. (She does end up going, but whatevs.)

Let’s do two more, starting with Love Story.

Taylor rocks a lot of curly hair in this era. Brief research indicates her hair is naturally curly. What’s the deal with straightening? I know several people who I personally think look pretty damn great with curly hair and yet talk about how they spend hours every week straightening it. One has told me it’s more “predictable,” which as a short-haired individual I can’t begin to appreciate versus the effort involved. But I say girls with curls, let them be!

This song is also one that helped launch my feud with Taylor, as described in this classic post.

And we’re closing out with Everything Has Changed. This is a nice story about two kids who appear to have grown up and gone to school together. The tiny Ed Sheeran is pretty entertaining:

“All I know since yesterday is everything has changed.” The growing up together angle, and this line about their situation wholly shifting in a day pretty well describes a major part of my book. Remember that little project? It’s been a while since I’ve talked about it here, but on my desk right now is an edited manuscript, and in my life is a friend who has pledged to paint me a cover design. In your life in the not too distant future is the chance to actually read the thing.

Until next time.

January 10, 2015 Taylor Swift Uncategorized
Slide Into TB

This is the first of a series of posts suggested by friends on Facebook after I asked for requests. Today’s, from Joey, is very simple: to review new Taco Bell menu items.

As Joey wrote, “You are the voice of the people who enjoy low cost Mexican food.” I can’t imagine a better compliment. After all, this is my Twitter bio:

My rating system here will be simple. Since the Mexican Pizza is my idea of Taco Bell perfection, I will give each item here some fraction of a Mexican pizza, with a rating of four quarters being something I would trade you straight-up for a Mexican pizza.

While not super new, the shredded chicken mini quesadilla is one of the great throw-in items when you are feeling extra hungry. 2.4 Mexican pizza quarters.

It’s also — I’m 99.999999% sure — the only thing you can get at Taco Bell that comes in foil instead of a customer paper wrapping or box. The result is wonderfully gooey cheese to go along with the shredded chicken, which is good in whatever menu item it’s offered. It has just the right small amount of spice in the sauce, and for only a dollar, you really can’t go wrong. The only thing holding this back is size since it would take roughly 11 to be a solid meal.

The newest things out right now are the crunchwrap sliders. In theory, I should hate these since I really don’t like the long-existing crunchwrap supreme. These come in three varieties, each at $1. The wrapper design makes me wonder if there was originally a fourth one that got canned along the way.

Let’s start with the BLT, which I really shouldn’t like since I’m also not a fan of bacon. Save your pitchforks on that detail, I know society shuns me (a date once came to a crashing halt when I dropped that nugget).

2.5 Mexican pizza quarters. This is surprisingly good. Very light, perhaps the lightest thing I’ve ever had at TB. Thankfully it isn’t overpowering with bacon flavor, though if you are a bacon lover you might be disappointed. Better with some mild sauce.

Next up, the spicy chicken edition.

2.6 Mexican pizza quarters. This is ridiculously filling for a dollar, certainly making it one of the best values on the menu along with something like the shredded chicken burrito. For a “spicy” thing, it’s also not too spicy thanks to the sauce like that in the mini quesadilla. This may seem like an odd choice, but the verde sauce is an awesome combo with this slider. This is definitely my favorite of the sliders.

Last, and sadly least is the beefy cheddar slider.

1.5 Mexican pizza quarters. I could have given this rating without even eating this one. For some reason, anything with this kind of melted cheese and beef is not up my Taco Bell alley. As with the beefy cheese burrito, these items always have too much of the cheese and really lack some third ingredient to balance the flavor with the beef. This is also the one that made me notice the crunchwrap shell, which is what I dislike the most about the crunchwrap supreme. Do not eat this thing.

I’ll also take this opportunity to quickly rank the Taco Bell itself. I was talking at work once with another Taco Bell afficionado and asked her how good a certain location was, only to get an “are you insane?” look from another coworker nearby. I find this to be a useful system when deciding whether to make a TB stop or perhaps proceed to another location or find something else to eat.

The one by my house in Reston? It’s a 5.5 out of 4. It’s one of the shops with an updated interior and a staff that is nothing but ecstatically friendly to me. In roughly six years they have never once messed up anything about my many orders. Go see them.

For those in my general area, the others are rated as follows:

Fair Lakes — 3
Elden Street — 2
Sully Plaza — 1.5 (slooooowest one of all time)
Sterling Blvd — 1.4
Silver Spring — 1.4

January 9, 2015 Taco Bell Uncategorized
MMMPop

A lot of people have written about “Back to the Future II” as a predictive force pointing toward a World Series victory for the Cubs in 2015, but I have an even stronger case for the Cubbies.

At some point last year (I think), Pop Tarts rolled out a line of Major League Baseball-themed packs with a baseball team logo printed on each tart.

I got a few boxes and kept track of what came out of each pack, though I did forget a few. My initial thought was looking at the pairs as potential trade partners, which has happened in at least one case, but I think there’s a different way to look at them.

After seeing the Cubs pop up time after time, it seemed like ranking teams by their Pop Tarts prominence could be a predictor for the 2015 season. Behind the Cubs, there is a decent group with two tarts each:

The back of each box has a list of every team with a little white box and some sort of “Collect them all!” message. Sadly I failed to get a picture of this, but it is funny to think that somewhere in these great United States there is someone who really is collecting Pop Tarts. This is the kind of thing I don’t want to Google. Anyway, I ended up with 22 of the 30 teams.

Beyond the Cubs winning, we can also use this list to predict who will win each of baseball’s six divisions:

I don’t like having the uncertainty of the AL Central and especially the AL West with more than half of its teams listed. The Twins were terrible last year, but more importantly I took a picture of the Royals Pop Tart:

Congrats, Royals!!!

The other division is a little more problematic. It’s historically a bit of a crap shoot, and last season the A’s and Mariners finished second and third. The Rangers were last, but basically their entire team was injured, so they will surely be better in 2015. The Angels won by 10 games and the Astros have tons of young talent, so I thought it only fair to include both of them in my solution:

@cjhannas Hi Chris!
— Houston Astros (@astros) January 9, 2015

Congrats to the Astros! Can baseball start now?

January 8, 2015 baseball food Uncategorized
Pony Went Over The Mountain

Hey we already made it a full week into blogging every day in January! Give yourself a hand for hanging in there this long. I can’t promise what I’ll have left in the tank on day 22, but I feel good about everything so far.

It was only a matter of time before we got to the first book post, and I’m kicking off the literary year with John Steinbeck’s “The Red Pony.”

As you can see, this is one of Steinbeck’s super short books. I did that on purpose because a book I preordered (Golden Son) came out this morning and I didn’t want to be tied down with something else and not get to it for a few weeks.

If you’ve read “Of Mice and Men” this has a similar structure in that Steinbeck paints a whole world full of characters who could carry a whole story, but instead at some point he basically walks away from the typewriter and leaves them be.

The version of many of my Steinbeck novels has an academic introduction discussing the text, which I often just skim to have an idea of how that one fits within his collection. This one notes that the book is definitely not a children’s book, though it is about children. I could not second that opinion any harder. Animals die in all sorts of books, but the way they die in this one is quite far from rated G.

The story is about a boy named Jody who lives on a northern California farm and, as you might guess, at one point gets a pony with a red coat. I won’t say more about this pony except do not get attached to this pony. You will be mad at someone and I don’t want that to be me.

I mention in every Steinbeck post that what I like most about his writing is the way he describes things. In only 95 pages I didn’t flag a lot, but late in the book this absolute gem appears while Jody walks down a road:

“Jody tried to leap into the middle of his shadow at every step.”

If that’s not evocative, I don’t know what is. Also, I want to go outside and walk like that right now.

Steinbeck also gets credit for bringing up fond memories of the Washington Nationals even though no such thing would exist for decades after he wrote this. Jody is asking his mom about what lies up in the nearby mountains.

“She looked at him and then back at the ferocious range, and she said, ‘Only the bear, I guess.'”
“What bear?”
“Why, the one that went over the mountain to see what he could see.”

What does that have to do with baseball? Well, the Nats have a relief pitcher named Aaron Barrett, aka “The Bear.” What music plays as he runs in from the bullpen?

One book down, 19 to go.

January 7, 2015 books Uncategorized
I Accept This Rose

I’ve never seen The Bachelor. I had an interesting time here once live blogging an episode of Honey Boo Boo. Let’s live blog the season premiere of The Bachelor!!!

The preceding paragraph is one that seemed like a great idea before spending the last two hours of my life the way I spent the last two hours of my life. But let’s forge on.

Before watching, I read through the brief bios on the show’s website, and treating it like BachMatch I narrowed the group down to my personal four picks:

Amanda:

She appreciates a good book, writers and would be sensible with lottery winnings.

Jade:

I’ve never met anyone named Jade, plus she likes books too and presumably guacamole, and also seems fiscally wise.

Kara:

She likes Mountain Dew and cookies, and is into sports. Strong start.

Tracy:

Doesn’t have a weird date fear (something in her teeth), seems to have also been on odd dates before and appreciates a sense of humor.

Let’s start the show!

00:15: Oh god, there’s a host guy welcoming “Bachelor Nation.” What have I gotten myself into.

1:30: Maybe I need a nickname like “Prince Farming.” Branding is a big deal these days, right? I’ll gladly accept your suggestions on this matter.

4:00: Oh, this Chris guy was apparently on the Bachelorette. I think I’m vaguely familiar with how those shows work. Was he second place? Or just one of the last ones? I almost care enough to Google. Almost.

4:30: Twenty miles from civilization? My aunt, who once lived in Iowa, mentioned last month that no girl who would go on this show would want to live in Iowa.

5:30: “This is the best way to find love, and I can’t wait.” Have you tried anything else? Literally, anything else?

6:00: The man surveys his kingdom:

6:30: “I really do believe I can find my woman of my dreams on this journey.” Um, Christopher, have you seen this show before? I haven’t and even I know these relationships don’t exactly work out.

Ok, host man is talking about all these old contestants and people are screaming on the red carpet like it’s the Oscars. I don’t understand America sometimes. I’m going to skip all of those parts in order to avoid stabbing myself in the eye.

16:30: Fiiiinally we’re meeting the new girls. Britt is a “feeler” and already declaring Chris to be “such a good guy.” HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY KNOW THAT ALREADY. Oh Jillian is a news producer in DC? Somehow we have zero Facebook friends in common. That’s ok though. She is one of roughly half the field whose biggest date fear is diarrhea.

18:17: AMANDA. Oh no. Your answer to why are you single is, “Can I say because I’m fucking crazy?” Oh no. No no no. No no no no no.

Whitney, you were almost a finalist. I should have picked you over Amanda. I HAVE MAJOR REGRETS. “I think Chris is America’s prince.” I think so too, Amanda. Maybe that’s the nickname I should use?

20:00: Mackenzie has a kid named Kale. Kale. Like, kale. Kale. The child’s name is Kale.

Alissa is giving fake flight attendant announcements and I want to stop watching this right now and never get on an airplane again. Kelsey, now her I feel tremendously sad for. She also seems like the most normal of these girls so far. A check of her bio also reveals she fears diarrhea on a date sooo.

23:55: “WHAT GOES WRONG AT THE ROSE CEREMONY?! WE’LL FIND OUT WHEN THE EXCITING LIVE PREMIERE OF THE BACHELOR CONTINUES!” I CAN’T WAIIIIIIIIIIT.

29:55: I don’t care what happened between Juan Pablo and Nikki. I don’t even care if that’s how you spell Nikki.

39:30: Chris is willing to go to one of the world’s major cities to try to find love. The sacrifices I tell you. I mean, they have a guy making him a suit while he sips on a drink. SACRIFICES.

42:35: Wait, we haven’t seen the other girls do their video intro things yet. Maybe I skipped over them by accident. Whatever, I’m not going back.

43:00: GET.EXCITED. A LIMO IS HEEEERE.

43:30: Has Amanda used the phrase “panty dropper” twice already? That’s a high percentage of her phrases so far. Is this normal for her? AMANDA YOU ARE SO CUT.

44:00: Such lovely music for these limo meetings. I don’t think I’ve ever had someone as happy to meet me as Britt is right now. Have some chill, Britt. Oh jeez. Is it normal for the girls to talk like this? Now she’s handing over a note? Britt is going to stab you, Chris.

45:20: Whitney with the normal-length hug. Strong start Whit. She just said the guys ahead of Chris were “great.” She may have poor taste and/or low standards.

46:00: Kelsey has declared herself to be a “regular girl.” I’m willing to believe her, for now. Though that may just be relative to the others in the long run.

46:32: Now Megan is calling him “amazing.” HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT. YOU JUST MET HIM THREE SECONDS AGO. WHAT IS HAPPENING.

47:09: Ashley: “I’m so glad it’s you.” Did she expect to get out of the limo and see some random dude standing there? Where do you think you are, Ashley? Did the limo drop you at four other houses first?

47:44: Chris just walked up to the limo and knocked on the window and the girls squealed like he was a Beatle. I can’t handle the excitement. “He’s so sweet.” Since when does knocking on windows count as sweet?

Oh no, Trina. “Helloooo, Farmer Chris….Come find me.” Trina is going to stab him if Britt doesn’t.

48:30: Nice cooler, Reegan. Oh it’s a biohazard kind of cooler. Reegan brought Chris a kidney. This will be useful after one of the knife-wielding girls cuts out one of his kidneys and he needs a replacement. Wait, she’s explaining…it’s a joke heart. The kidney will probably be coming in the mail though.

49:18: Tara not rocking the dress. I respect this move. When I’m the Bachelor, I’m wearing shorts and a hoodie. I hope ABC can handle it.

50:00: Yesss this is a catty group. I came here for drama, give me some drama!

50:36: Amber brought a teddy bear. I also respect this move but for reasons I can’t articulate.

51:00: Nikki flew here from Peru…and Tara is getting back in the limo? I withdraw all my respect. If you’re going to “be you” and wear the shorts, don’t do this. Props to Chris for recognizing her when she came back out though. I would have been oblivious so soon after meeting someone.

52:14: Oooo a mysterious note from the limo…Chris is into whatever it says. COMMERCIAL BREAK CLIFFHANGER AHHHHHH.

WE’RE BACK. Such suspense. She wants him to turn around so he doesn’t see. IT’S AMANDA. Of course it’s Amanda. She is fucking crazy. I have dodged a bullet here.

54:00: Jillian I think just challenged Chris to the feats of strength. This could be promising.

54:20: Mackenzie is like so so excited. Like sooo excited. She might ask him for a ride home from school.

54:55: Um, Ashley S. is “really happy to see your face.” Ok then. And she found a lucky penny and is putting it in his shoe. This is totally normal behavior.

55:40: Kaitlyn “I don’t know much about you.” Hey she might be actually be a norm—oh god. She just told him to plow her field. I just. I. Um. Ok.

58:00: Chris just walked inside, and the reaction of the girls is exactly the same as if the producers had sent in a puppy. In fact, idea for next season, producers, send in a puppy first and see what happens.

Kaitlyn is telling more awful jokes. ENOUGH KAITLYN. The other girls are horrified…except for Megan who doesn’t get it.

1:00:00: Ten more girls? Oh man that’s so many. How many episodes does this show take to get down to the winner?

1:00:50: Wait, Britt, slow down. You gave him a “free hug” note because you love giving hugs? Can you diagram that for me? It’s a hard concept to follow. He’s really into this though. I may begin my next date by handing out a free hug coupon. That’s clearly a good move, right? I mean, at the very least if she’s not into it I can say I saw it on The Bachelor and I might be good there.

1:03:00: Seven to ten girls go home on the first night? Oh this may go quickly. I think I would try to send home at least 15 on the first night. This whole process is insane.

1:07:00: Whitney seems a little too excited about meeting Mr. Farmer. I think someone bet her $1 million she wouldn’t win and she’s out to get that money.

1:09:00: Wait, the secret admirer girl has been missing for three hours? What is going on here? The other girls think she has big eyes. WOAH she does. Crazy eyes you might say…”Hopefully I’m not just creepily staring at him.” You were. You were.

1:13:00: MORE GIRRRRRLLLLZ!!!! Samantha has arrived and the other girls can’t believe it! So much attitude. YOU’RE ALL CUT.

1:16:00: Oh cool, Alissa brought a seatbelt. “It’s going to be a bumpy ride.” And now you’re putting it on him? Wait, that was totally worth it. The other girls are jealous of this entrance. How long do they spend thinking about what theirs will be? Do they grab a guy friend and rehearse for days on end before flying to L.A.? Why am I not watching this with someone who knows stuff?

1:17:00: Nicole has arrived like this:

How long did this idea take to concoct? How many pig noses did she try before settling on this model? Which came first, the pig nose idea or the “I wanted to ham it up for you” joke?

1:18:00: Ohhh nice, the girls are throwing maximum shade at Brittany and her “dance costume.” “Her outfit is quite an interesting choice” “They keep coming in and the dresses keep getting shorter and shorter.” Keep it up, ladies. Tearing down everyone else will surely make you the winner.

1:19:25: Carly’s long-planned entrance involves singing. She’s a cruise ship singer, fine, but performing a custom song for a guy is not a good look. I’m also 90 percent sure I’m going on this date at some point.

1:20:34: Chris: “This is starting to get ridiculous.” Ridiculous left the station about an hour ago, my friend.

1:20:50: Finally Tracy gets here!!! She left in the middle of the school year to do this? Oh, she gives the kids lots of recess though. Tracy stays on the list.

1:23:00: And Kara is here too! I thought I would never get to evaluate my picks. Oh no. Leading with “I think we would make the cutest babies” is a little aggressive there Kara. So long, we had a nice run.

1:24:00: Jade SEEMS SUPER NICE AND NORMAL. ALL HAIL JADE!!! JADE GETS MY SPECIAL ROSE OR WHATEVER THEY CALLED THAT ONE.

Oh it’s the First Impression Rose (is that trademarked?). Thank you, host man. That’s what Jade gets from me. There are still 40 minutes left in this thing. I need more Golden Grahams.

Chris: “Let’s just enjoy every second.” No Chris, let’s wrap this up. I want to go to bed.

That’s a wonderful discussion of how people are layered like onions, Ashley S. I’m glad to know you’ve seen Shrek too. “Take a freaking look at this onion.” Let’s take a look at a blood test and see what you ingested today.

1:38:00: Britt wins the first impression rose contest! Oh and the first kiss award oo la la. How long until the first stabbing?

1:39:00: Ahhh the rose ceremony!!! The anticipation is bananas. Wow this is a stressed out room full of women. I’m guessing the one that was drinking heavily earlier is laughing at the others right now. I know I can hardly take it:

So after all that anxiety Jade is in and Tracy is in. Some crazies are in and some crazies are out. He did a decent job for only getting to eliminate a few. If I were going to be watching more of this I would be pretty excited about a few of these train wrecks being involved.

1:55:00: This is mercifully coming to an end…and all these girls are being gracious? How is there not one who’s like “eff youuuu you’re missing out!!! Oh the tears. So many tears.

And we’re ending with a sneak peak of fun from the rest of the season. Spoiler alert: I don’t care. Let’s never talk about any of this ever again. (Fine, I’ll check back and see who wins, but that’s it.)

January 6, 2015 television Uncategorized
Happy Little Whiteboards

There’s one major thing missing in my life now that I’m no longer living with a roommate: whiteboard art.

Earlier this year roommate MR and I had a fantastic time utilizing the side-by-side boards that sat on our refrigerator. My drawing one day would get a response the next, then I would respond with yet another piece in strings that went hilariously on and on.

The best were the ones with origins we eventually couldn’t remember, like the Skippy The Talking Dolphin movie series:

A photo posted by Chris Hannas (@cjhannas) on Jul 7, 2013 at 4:21pm PDT

That’s my drawing on the left, MR’s on the right. Sometimes we changed sides, but in general his are the ones that look far better given his superior drawing skillz. (I will likely explain the “Mikfiekel” inside joke from our elementary school days in a future post.)

Some of our drawings made use of nearby magnetic objects:

If you ever ask me to draw something for you, it will surely be that character on the left, complete with skateboard. I have no idea why, that’s just what I’ll draw.

Some of them start off with a normal purpose. In this case, MR is letting me know he will not be around for our usual Taco Bell Thursday dinner trip (left), to which I respond in the only way a best friend should:

A photo posted by Chris Hannas (@cjhannas) on Apr 4, 2014 at 7:09am PDT

He had an answer for such snarkery:

A photo posted by Chris Hannas (@cjhannas) on Apr 4, 2014 at 4:29pm PDT

Want some more pop culture? Thanks to watching many hours of the same programming during our lives, we have you covered:

A photo posted by Chris Hannas (@cjhannas) on Apr 4, 2014 at 4:52pm PDT

Also with this, my response to probably the only other actual message ever printed on these boards:

A photo posted by Chris Hannas (@cjhannas) on Apr 4, 2014 at 7:17am PDT

I can’t describe how proud I was of that Cartman. For someone who can’t draw and had a hard time not laughing as I copied that picture from one I Googled on my phone, I think that turned out amazingly well.

This one started with a LEGO scene on top of the fridge that I believe involved an axe-wielding Ned Flanders running away from Lisa Simpson’s body lying flat on the ground. MR put up the wanted poster (I added a Flanders alias), and I brought in Chief Wiggum to make the arrest.

A photo posted by Chris Hannas (@cjhannas) on May 5, 2014 at 5:43am PDT

Obviously MR’s commentary on the left is entirely accurate. But really, what could we have to say that would ever be more important?

The last set came after a repeat viewing of the Channing Tatum/Jonah Hill version of “21 Jump Street.” It began with MR illustrating the simple line we said all the time:

A photo posted by Chris Hannas (@cjhannas) on Jun 6, 2014 at 4:17pm PDT

And ended with me mixing in another Johah Hill movie, as I subbed McCubin in the place of McLovin:

Chicka, chicka, yeah.

January 5, 2015 Uncategorized