I’ve never seen The Bachelor. I had an interesting time here once live blogging an episode of Honey Boo Boo. Let’s live blog the season premiere of The Bachelor!!!
The preceding paragraph is one that seemed like a great idea before spending the last two hours of my life the way I spent the last two hours of my life. But let’s forge on.
Before watching, I read through the brief bios on the show’s website, and treating it like BachMatch I narrowed the group down to my personal four picks:
Amanda:
She appreciates a good book, writers and would be sensible with lottery winnings.
Jade:
I’ve never met anyone named Jade, plus she likes books too and presumably guacamole, and also seems fiscally wise.
Kara:
She likes Mountain Dew and cookies, and is into sports. Strong start.
Tracy:
Doesn’t have a weird date fear (something in her teeth), seems to have also been on odd dates before and appreciates a sense of humor.
Let’s start the show!
00:15: Oh god, there’s a host guy welcoming “Bachelor Nation.” What have I gotten myself into.
1:30: Maybe I need a nickname like “Prince Farming.” Branding is a big deal these days, right? I’ll gladly accept your suggestions on this matter.
4:00: Oh, this Chris guy was apparently on the Bachelorette. I think I’m vaguely familiar with how those shows work. Was he second place? Or just one of the last ones? I almost care enough to Google. Almost.
4:30: Twenty miles from civilization? My aunt, who once lived in Iowa, mentioned last month that no girl who would go on this show would want to live in Iowa.
5:30: “This is the best way to find love, and I can’t wait.” Have you tried anything else? Literally, anything else?
6:00: The man surveys his kingdom:
6:30: “I really do believe I can find my woman of my dreams on this journey.” Um, Christopher, have you seen this show before? I haven’t and even I know these relationships don’t exactly work out.
Ok, host man is talking about all these old contestants and people are screaming on the red carpet like it’s the Oscars. I don’t understand America sometimes. I’m going to skip all of those parts in order to avoid stabbing myself in the eye.
16:30: Fiiiinally we’re meeting the new girls. Britt is a “feeler” and already declaring Chris to be “such a good guy.” HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY KNOW THAT ALREADY. Oh Jillian is a news producer in DC? Somehow we have zero Facebook friends in common. That’s ok though. She is one of roughly half the field whose biggest date fear is diarrhea.
18:17: AMANDA. Oh no. Your answer to why are you single is, “Can I say because I’m fucking crazy?” Oh no. No no no. No no no no no.
Whitney, you were almost a finalist. I should have picked you over Amanda. I HAVE MAJOR REGRETS. “I think Chris is America’s prince.” I think so too, Amanda. Maybe that’s the nickname I should use?
20:00: Mackenzie has a kid named Kale. Kale. Like, kale. Kale. The child’s name is Kale.
Alissa is giving fake flight attendant announcements and I want to stop watching this right now and never get on an airplane again. Kelsey, now her I feel tremendously sad for. She also seems like the most normal of these girls so far. A check of her bio also reveals she fears diarrhea on a date sooo.
23:55: “WHAT GOES WRONG AT THE ROSE CEREMONY?! WE’LL FIND OUT WHEN THE EXCITING LIVE PREMIERE OF THE BACHELOR CONTINUES!” I CAN’T WAIIIIIIIIIIT.
29:55: I don’t care what happened between Juan Pablo and Nikki. I don’t even care if that’s how you spell Nikki.
39:30: Chris is willing to go to one of the world’s major cities to try to find love. The sacrifices I tell you. I mean, they have a guy making him a suit while he sips on a drink. SACRIFICES.
42:35: Wait, we haven’t seen the other girls do their video intro things yet. Maybe I skipped over them by accident. Whatever, I’m not going back.
43:00: GET.EXCITED. A LIMO IS HEEEERE.
43:30: Has Amanda used the phrase “panty dropper” twice already? That’s a high percentage of her phrases so far. Is this normal for her? AMANDA YOU ARE SO CUT.
44:00: Such lovely music for these limo meetings. I don’t think I’ve ever had someone as happy to meet me as Britt is right now. Have some chill, Britt. Oh jeez. Is it normal for the girls to talk like this? Now she’s handing over a note? Britt is going to stab you, Chris.
45:20: Whitney with the normal-length hug. Strong start Whit. She just said the guys ahead of Chris were “great.” She may have poor taste and/or low standards.
46:00: Kelsey has declared herself to be a “regular girl.” I’m willing to believe her, for now. Though that may just be relative to the others in the long run.
46:32: Now Megan is calling him “amazing.” HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT. YOU JUST MET HIM THREE SECONDS AGO. WHAT IS HAPPENING.
47:09: Ashley: “I’m so glad it’s you.” Did she expect to get out of the limo and see some random dude standing there? Where do you think you are, Ashley? Did the limo drop you at four other houses first?
47:44: Chris just walked up to the limo and knocked on the window and the girls squealed like he was a Beatle. I can’t handle the excitement. “He’s so sweet.” Since when does knocking on windows count as sweet?
Oh no, Trina. “Helloooo, Farmer Chris….Come find me.” Trina is going to stab him if Britt doesn’t.
48:30: Nice cooler, Reegan. Oh it’s a biohazard kind of cooler. Reegan brought Chris a kidney. This will be useful after one of the knife-wielding girls cuts out one of his kidneys and he needs a replacement. Wait, she’s explaining…it’s a joke heart. The kidney will probably be coming in the mail though.
49:18: Tara not rocking the dress. I respect this move. When I’m the Bachelor, I’m wearing shorts and a hoodie. I hope ABC can handle it.
50:00: Yesss this is a catty group. I came here for drama, give me some drama!
50:36: Amber brought a teddy bear. I also respect this move but for reasons I can’t articulate.
51:00: Nikki flew here from Peru…and Tara is getting back in the limo? I withdraw all my respect. If you’re going to “be you” and wear the shorts, don’t do this. Props to Chris for recognizing her when she came back out though. I would have been oblivious so soon after meeting someone.
52:14: Oooo a mysterious note from the limo…Chris is into whatever it says. COMMERCIAL BREAK CLIFFHANGER AHHHHHH.
WE’RE BACK. Such suspense. She wants him to turn around so he doesn’t see. IT’S AMANDA. Of course it’s Amanda. She is fucking crazy. I have dodged a bullet here.
54:00: Jillian I think just challenged Chris to the feats of strength. This could be promising.
54:20: Mackenzie is like so so excited. Like sooo excited. She might ask him for a ride home from school.
54:55: Um, Ashley S. is “really happy to see your face.” Ok then. And she found a lucky penny and is putting it in his shoe. This is totally normal behavior.
55:40: Kaitlyn “I don’t know much about you.” Hey she might be actually be a norm—oh god. She just told him to plow her field. I just. I. Um. Ok.
58:00: Chris just walked inside, and the reaction of the girls is exactly the same as if the producers had sent in a puppy. In fact, idea for next season, producers, send in a puppy first and see what happens.
Kaitlyn is telling more awful jokes. ENOUGH KAITLYN. The other girls are horrified…except for Megan who doesn’t get it.
1:00:00: Ten more girls? Oh man that’s so many. How many episodes does this show take to get down to the winner?
1:00:50: Wait, Britt, slow down. You gave him a “free hug” note because you love giving hugs? Can you diagram that for me? It’s a hard concept to follow. He’s really into this though. I may begin my next date by handing out a free hug coupon. That’s clearly a good move, right? I mean, at the very least if she’s not into it I can say I saw it on The Bachelor and I might be good there.
1:03:00: Seven to ten girls go home on the first night? Oh this may go quickly. I think I would try to send home at least 15 on the first night. This whole process is insane.
1:07:00: Whitney seems a little too excited about meeting Mr. Farmer. I think someone bet her $1 million she wouldn’t win and she’s out to get that money.
1:09:00: Wait, the secret admirer girl has been missing for three hours? What is going on here? The other girls think she has big eyes. WOAH she does. Crazy eyes you might say…”Hopefully I’m not just creepily staring at him.” You were. You were.
1:13:00: MORE GIRRRRRLLLLZ!!!! Samantha has arrived and the other girls can’t believe it! So much attitude. YOU’RE ALL CUT.
1:16:00: Oh cool, Alissa brought a seatbelt. “It’s going to be a bumpy ride.” And now you’re putting it on him? Wait, that was totally worth it. The other girls are jealous of this entrance. How long do they spend thinking about what theirs will be? Do they grab a guy friend and rehearse for days on end before flying to L.A.? Why am I not watching this with someone who knows stuff?
1:17:00: Nicole has arrived like this:
How long did this idea take to concoct? How many pig noses did she try before settling on this model? Which came first, the pig nose idea or the “I wanted to ham it up for you” joke?
1:18:00: Ohhh nice, the girls are throwing maximum shade at Brittany and her “dance costume.” “Her outfit is quite an interesting choice” “They keep coming in and the dresses keep getting shorter and shorter.” Keep it up, ladies. Tearing down everyone else will surely make you the winner.
1:19:25: Carly’s long-planned entrance involves singing. She’s a cruise ship singer, fine, but performing a custom song for a guy is not a good look. I’m also 90 percent sure I’m going on this date at some point.
1:20:34: Chris: “This is starting to get ridiculous.” Ridiculous left the station about an hour ago, my friend.
1:20:50: Finally Tracy gets here!!! She left in the middle of the school year to do this? Oh, she gives the kids lots of recess though. Tracy stays on the list.
1:23:00: And Kara is here too! I thought I would never get to evaluate my picks. Oh no. Leading with “I think we would make the cutest babies” is a little aggressive there Kara. So long, we had a nice run.
1:24:00: Jade SEEMS SUPER NICE AND NORMAL. ALL HAIL JADE!!! JADE GETS MY SPECIAL ROSE OR WHATEVER THEY CALLED THAT ONE.
Oh it’s the First Impression Rose (is that trademarked?). Thank you, host man. That’s what Jade gets from me. There are still 40 minutes left in this thing. I need more Golden Grahams.
Chris: “Let’s just enjoy every second.” No Chris, let’s wrap this up. I want to go to bed.
That’s a wonderful discussion of how people are layered like onions, Ashley S. I’m glad to know you’ve seen Shrek too. “Take a freaking look at this onion.” Let’s take a look at a blood test and see what you ingested today.
1:38:00: Britt wins the first impression rose contest! Oh and the first kiss award oo la la. How long until the first stabbing?
1:39:00: Ahhh the rose ceremony!!! The anticipation is bananas. Wow this is a stressed out room full of women. I’m guessing the one that was drinking heavily earlier is laughing at the others right now. I know I can hardly take it:
So after all that anxiety Jade is in and Tracy is in. Some crazies are in and some crazies are out. He did a decent job for only getting to eliminate a few. If I were going to be watching more of this I would be pretty excited about a few of these train wrecks being involved.
1:55:00: This is mercifully coming to an end…and all these girls are being gracious? How is there not one who’s like “eff youuuu you’re missing out!!! Oh the tears. So many tears.
And we’re ending with a sneak peak of fun from the rest of the season. Spoiler alert: I don’t care. Let’s never talk about any of this ever again. (Fine, I’ll check back and see who wins, but that’s it.)