You don’t need me to introduce you to House of Cards, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt or Arrested Development on Netflix. I’m assuming society surely has taken care of that by now. But I can direct your queue’s attention to a show called Terrace House.
You don’t need me to introduce you to House of Cards, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt or Arrested Development on Netflix. I’m assuming society surely has taken care of that by now. But I can direct your queue’s attention to a show called Terrace House.
I’ve never seen The Bachelor. I had an interesting time here once live blogging an episode of Honey Boo Boo. Let’s live blog the season premiere of The Bachelor!!!
The preceding paragraph is one that seemed like a great idea before spending the last two hours of my life the way I spent the last two hours of my life. But let’s forge on.
Before watching, I read through the brief bios on the show’s website, and treating it like BachMatch I narrowed the group down to my personal four picks:
Amanda:
She appreciates a good book, writers and would be sensible with lottery winnings.
Jade:
I’ve never met anyone named Jade, plus she likes books too and presumably guacamole, and also seems fiscally wise.
Kara:
She likes Mountain Dew and cookies, and is into sports. Strong start.
Tracy:
Doesn’t have a weird date fear (something in her teeth), seems to have also been on odd dates before and appreciates a sense of humor.
Let’s start the show!
00:15: Oh god, there’s a host guy welcoming “Bachelor Nation.” What have I gotten myself into.
1:30: Maybe I need a nickname like “Prince Farming.” Branding is a big deal these days, right? I’ll gladly accept your suggestions on this matter.
4:00: Oh, this Chris guy was apparently on the Bachelorette. I think I’m vaguely familiar with how those shows work. Was he second place? Or just one of the last ones? I almost care enough to Google. Almost.
4:30: Twenty miles from civilization? My aunt, who once lived in Iowa, mentioned last month that no girl who would go on this show would want to live in Iowa.
5:30: “This is the best way to find love, and I can’t wait.” Have you tried anything else? Literally, anything else?
6:00: The man surveys his kingdom:
6:30: “I really do believe I can find my woman of my dreams on this journey.” Um, Christopher, have you seen this show before? I haven’t and even I know these relationships don’t exactly work out.
Ok, host man is talking about all these old contestants and people are screaming on the red carpet like it’s the Oscars. I don’t understand America sometimes. I’m going to skip all of those parts in order to avoid stabbing myself in the eye.
16:30: Fiiiinally we’re meeting the new girls. Britt is a “feeler” and already declaring Chris to be “such a good guy.” HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY KNOW THAT ALREADY. Oh Jillian is a news producer in DC? Somehow we have zero Facebook friends in common. That’s ok though. She is one of roughly half the field whose biggest date fear is diarrhea.
18:17: AMANDA. Oh no. Your answer to why are you single is, “Can I say because I’m fucking crazy?” Oh no. No no no. No no no no no.
Whitney, you were almost a finalist. I should have picked you over Amanda. I HAVE MAJOR REGRETS. “I think Chris is America’s prince.” I think so too, Amanda. Maybe that’s the nickname I should use?
20:00: Mackenzie has a kid named Kale. Kale. Like, kale. Kale. The child’s name is Kale.
Alissa is giving fake flight attendant announcements and I want to stop watching this right now and never get on an airplane again. Kelsey, now her I feel tremendously sad for. She also seems like the most normal of these girls so far. A check of her bio also reveals she fears diarrhea on a date sooo.
23:55: “WHAT GOES WRONG AT THE ROSE CEREMONY?! WE’LL FIND OUT WHEN THE EXCITING LIVE PREMIERE OF THE BACHELOR CONTINUES!” I CAN’T WAIIIIIIIIIIT.
29:55: I don’t care what happened between Juan Pablo and Nikki. I don’t even care if that’s how you spell Nikki.
39:30: Chris is willing to go to one of the world’s major cities to try to find love. The sacrifices I tell you. I mean, they have a guy making him a suit while he sips on a drink. SACRIFICES.
42:35: Wait, we haven’t seen the other girls do their video intro things yet. Maybe I skipped over them by accident. Whatever, I’m not going back.
43:00: GET.EXCITED. A LIMO IS HEEEERE.
43:30: Has Amanda used the phrase “panty dropper” twice already? That’s a high percentage of her phrases so far. Is this normal for her? AMANDA YOU ARE SO CUT.
44:00: Such lovely music for these limo meetings. I don’t think I’ve ever had someone as happy to meet me as Britt is right now. Have some chill, Britt. Oh jeez. Is it normal for the girls to talk like this? Now she’s handing over a note? Britt is going to stab you, Chris.
45:20: Whitney with the normal-length hug. Strong start Whit. She just said the guys ahead of Chris were “great.” She may have poor taste and/or low standards.
46:00: Kelsey has declared herself to be a “regular girl.” I’m willing to believe her, for now. Though that may just be relative to the others in the long run.
46:32: Now Megan is calling him “amazing.” HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT. YOU JUST MET HIM THREE SECONDS AGO. WHAT IS HAPPENING.
47:09: Ashley: “I’m so glad it’s you.” Did she expect to get out of the limo and see some random dude standing there? Where do you think you are, Ashley? Did the limo drop you at four other houses first?
47:44: Chris just walked up to the limo and knocked on the window and the girls squealed like he was a Beatle. I can’t handle the excitement. “He’s so sweet.” Since when does knocking on windows count as sweet?
Oh no, Trina. “Helloooo, Farmer Chris….Come find me.” Trina is going to stab him if Britt doesn’t.
48:30: Nice cooler, Reegan. Oh it’s a biohazard kind of cooler. Reegan brought Chris a kidney. This will be useful after one of the knife-wielding girls cuts out one of his kidneys and he needs a replacement. Wait, she’s explaining…it’s a joke heart. The kidney will probably be coming in the mail though.
49:18: Tara not rocking the dress. I respect this move. When I’m the Bachelor, I’m wearing shorts and a hoodie. I hope ABC can handle it.
50:00: Yesss this is a catty group. I came here for drama, give me some drama!
50:36: Amber brought a teddy bear. I also respect this move but for reasons I can’t articulate.
51:00: Nikki flew here from Peru…and Tara is getting back in the limo? I withdraw all my respect. If you’re going to “be you” and wear the shorts, don’t do this. Props to Chris for recognizing her when she came back out though. I would have been oblivious so soon after meeting someone.
52:14: Oooo a mysterious note from the limo…Chris is into whatever it says. COMMERCIAL BREAK CLIFFHANGER AHHHHHH.
WE’RE BACK. Such suspense. She wants him to turn around so he doesn’t see. IT’S AMANDA. Of course it’s Amanda. She is fucking crazy. I have dodged a bullet here.
54:00: Jillian I think just challenged Chris to the feats of strength. This could be promising.
54:20: Mackenzie is like so so excited. Like sooo excited. She might ask him for a ride home from school.
54:55: Um, Ashley S. is “really happy to see your face.” Ok then. And she found a lucky penny and is putting it in his shoe. This is totally normal behavior.
55:40: Kaitlyn “I don’t know much about you.” Hey she might be actually be a norm—oh god. She just told him to plow her field. I just. I. Um. Ok.
58:00: Chris just walked inside, and the reaction of the girls is exactly the same as if the producers had sent in a puppy. In fact, idea for next season, producers, send in a puppy first and see what happens.
Kaitlyn is telling more awful jokes. ENOUGH KAITLYN. The other girls are horrified…except for Megan who doesn’t get it.
1:00:00: Ten more girls? Oh man that’s so many. How many episodes does this show take to get down to the winner?
1:00:50: Wait, Britt, slow down. You gave him a “free hug” note because you love giving hugs? Can you diagram that for me? It’s a hard concept to follow. He’s really into this though. I may begin my next date by handing out a free hug coupon. That’s clearly a good move, right? I mean, at the very least if she’s not into it I can say I saw it on The Bachelor and I might be good there.
1:03:00: Seven to ten girls go home on the first night? Oh this may go quickly. I think I would try to send home at least 15 on the first night. This whole process is insane.
1:07:00: Whitney seems a little too excited about meeting Mr. Farmer. I think someone bet her $1 million she wouldn’t win and she’s out to get that money.
1:09:00: Wait, the secret admirer girl has been missing for three hours? What is going on here? The other girls think she has big eyes. WOAH she does. Crazy eyes you might say…”Hopefully I’m not just creepily staring at him.” You were. You were.
1:13:00: MORE GIRRRRRLLLLZ!!!! Samantha has arrived and the other girls can’t believe it! So much attitude. YOU’RE ALL CUT.
1:16:00: Oh cool, Alissa brought a seatbelt. “It’s going to be a bumpy ride.” And now you’re putting it on him? Wait, that was totally worth it. The other girls are jealous of this entrance. How long do they spend thinking about what theirs will be? Do they grab a guy friend and rehearse for days on end before flying to L.A.? Why am I not watching this with someone who knows stuff?
1:17:00: Nicole has arrived like this:
How long did this idea take to concoct? How many pig noses did she try before settling on this model? Which came first, the pig nose idea or the “I wanted to ham it up for you” joke?
1:18:00: Ohhh nice, the girls are throwing maximum shade at Brittany and her “dance costume.” “Her outfit is quite an interesting choice” “They keep coming in and the dresses keep getting shorter and shorter.” Keep it up, ladies. Tearing down everyone else will surely make you the winner.
1:19:25: Carly’s long-planned entrance involves singing. She’s a cruise ship singer, fine, but performing a custom song for a guy is not a good look. I’m also 90 percent sure I’m going on this date at some point.
1:20:34: Chris: “This is starting to get ridiculous.” Ridiculous left the station about an hour ago, my friend.
1:20:50: Finally Tracy gets here!!! She left in the middle of the school year to do this? Oh, she gives the kids lots of recess though. Tracy stays on the list.
1:23:00: And Kara is here too! I thought I would never get to evaluate my picks. Oh no. Leading with “I think we would make the cutest babies” is a little aggressive there Kara. So long, we had a nice run.
1:24:00: Jade SEEMS SUPER NICE AND NORMAL. ALL HAIL JADE!!! JADE GETS MY SPECIAL ROSE OR WHATEVER THEY CALLED THAT ONE.
Oh it’s the First Impression Rose (is that trademarked?). Thank you, host man. That’s what Jade gets from me. There are still 40 minutes left in this thing. I need more Golden Grahams.
Chris: “Let’s just enjoy every second.” No Chris, let’s wrap this up. I want to go to bed.
That’s a wonderful discussion of how people are layered like onions, Ashley S. I’m glad to know you’ve seen Shrek too. “Take a freaking look at this onion.” Let’s take a look at a blood test and see what you ingested today.
1:38:00: Britt wins the first impression rose contest! Oh and the first kiss award oo la la. How long until the first stabbing?
1:39:00: Ahhh the rose ceremony!!! The anticipation is bananas. Wow this is a stressed out room full of women. I’m guessing the one that was drinking heavily earlier is laughing at the others right now. I know I can hardly take it:
So after all that anxiety Jade is in and Tracy is in. Some crazies are in and some crazies are out. He did a decent job for only getting to eliminate a few. If I were going to be watching more of this I would be pretty excited about a few of these train wrecks being involved.
1:55:00: This is mercifully coming to an end…and all these girls are being gracious? How is there not one who’s like “eff youuuu you’re missing out!!! Oh the tears. So many tears.
And we’re ending with a sneak peak of fun from the rest of the season. Spoiler alert: I don’t care. Let’s never talk about any of this ever again. (Fine, I’ll check back and see who wins, but that’s it.)
Is it crazy to name your child after a German clone with an unknown, seemingly respiratory disease who gets shot through the head by a fellow clone who has been released on a mission to hunt down her “unnatural” likenesses?
In the United States, the answer is apparently, no. At least, with only data showing the number of children given each name, that’s the case.
The Social Security Administration has lists of the names people register for babies each year going back to 1880, and earlier this month put out the one for 2013. Several media organizations did stories about the trends within, most of them about the most popular names of the year. Vox broke down how the number of kids named after Game of Thrones characters rose again in 2013.
I’m going in a different television direction with the show Orphan Black, which features much more mainstream names along with a few that barely crack the list each year (the SSA files only list those names with at least five kids). The show’s main actress, the supremely talented Tatiana Maslany, plays all of the clones, which include Elizabeth, Sarah, Cosima, Helena, Alison, Rachel, Aryanna, Janika, Danielle and the subject of my first sentence, Katja.
I would not have guessed this high, but there were 22 kids named Katja last year. That marked a resurgance for the name, which hit 27 in 2004 and had dropped all the way to just 12 kids in 2012. What happened in 2013? Orphan Black premiered. Parents rushed to name their daughters Katja. (Pretend for the sake of this post that there can be absolutely no other explanation.) Janika saw a similar return to glory, while Cosima continued its steady rise.
The main male character in the show, Felix, also received a bump in its popularity, growing 13 percent over 2012. But whatever effect the show has had on the television landscape, its power in boosting names stops there. Both Helena, perhaps the best clone, and Aryanna, a name given to a shocking number of people, had essentially no growth.
Alison, another contender for top clone, saw a slight decline, while every other clone character continued the sharp drop that has been befalling them since at least 2004. Sarah’s decline saddens me the most since she is my favorite. Maybe as more people get into season 2 of the show that name will make a comeback in 2014.
I would absolutely predict a massive surge in girls named Kira, breaking the stagnant trend for that name thanks to the adorable little actress playing Sarah’s daughter. Props to anyone who names one of their twin girls Seestra.
It’s no secret I am a huge fan of The Simpsons, so when a friend alerted me that LEGO was putting out a Simpsons set, there was no question I was going to get it. That’s one of the perks of being an adult, right? Right?
This was one of those times in life when the product vastly exceeded my expectations. I never looked to see how many pieces were in this thing before I hit the “Check Out” button, so I was surprised when this giant box arrived at my door with more than 2,500 LEGOs inside.
I have to give them tremendous credit for their attention to detail with things like little hot dogs that go on the grill, or the “Property of Ned Flanders” stickers that are meant for a few items. They also get huge points for cleverly finding ways to make certain objects in the Simpson household. More than a couple of times I was following the instructions for building some small item, not sure of what it was, then hit a eureka! moment and had to laugh at the crib, kitchen sink or shower head that somehow emerged out of regular LEGO pieces.
With that many pieces, it took me several hours over two days to complete, but with the magic of time-lapse photography, you can watch it all come together in two minutes:
I used the tiny bit of battery life left in my camera after all that to take a few other shots, including what I think is the proper way to transport a baby safely with a car:
And Lil’ Lisa checking the mail (at the mailbox I only now noticed isn’t quite fully snapped together…):
I think the car is really my favorite piece. It rolls smoothly enough that it could be its own toy, and in my younger days would have already crashed against a wall and smashed into a hundred lego pieces. And that would have been awesome.
The time-lapsing was super easy to do using an app on my phone and a simple trick in Adobe Premiere, so definitely look forward to more of those in the future now that I know how.
Also, go buy yourself LEGOs! They are super fun.
Commercials are designed to get a consumer to use a product or service. Purex, the maker of laundry detergent, fabric softener and dryer sheets, has done the opposite with their new ad.
It took them just six seconds to alienate me:
Did you catch it? We have two women, with one of them making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
Now, we don’t know if there are any other people in the house, so I won’t judge the potentially high number of sandwiches she seems to be making. My quibble is with her technique and the other woman’s reaction:
Note that the bread on the left is smeared with peanut butter, while the one on the right has the jelly.
Longtime blog readers will recall that in 2011, I tackled the debate over how these sandwiches should be made. Many people said my method of putting both the peanut butter and jelly on the same slice was wrong, but my grandma is with me, so it can’t be crazy.
I don’t want to get into the fact that she clearly did the jelly slice first, which is indisputably nuts.
As I said in my earlier pb&j posts, the end result is bread, peanut butter, jelly, bread — no matter which construction method you use. The older woman in the ad has to chime in and suggest there is something wrong with the orientation of the sandwich, creating a hostile lunch environment and a lower level of pb&j enjoyment for all of us.
The lesson here is to make your commercials more focused on your actual product. You don’t want to put off a potential laundry detergent customer with the way you talk about sandwiches.
I looked down from section 205 at Nationals Park with “Zimmerman” and the number 11 on my back. In my pocket, there was a ticket card with “Seat 11” stamped on the front.
The Nationals had already lost one game Friday in a season that has not come close to matching expectations after last year’s playoff run. In seemingly every situation in which the Nats of then got a clutch hit, this group has found a way to squander opportunities.
This night, however, Ryan Zimmerman walked to the plate in a tie game with one out in the ninth inning My family — who had seen two of his seven career walk-off home runs — talked about it happening again in that hopefully predictive way sports fans do.
Mets pitcher LaTroy Hawkins threw three balls. Then a called strike. Then a fastball that Zimmerman slammed into the seats in right-center field. The home run horn sounded and his teammates gathered at home plate ready to celebrate their second walk-off home run win in as many days. As Zimmerman crossed the plate, teammate Ian Desmond added something I’ve never seen by giving the whole group a Gatorade shower (great view of it at 1:05).
It’s no secret the Nats need a lot more of these moments, and quickly, if they are going to make it back to the playoffs. For one night, at least, things were back to normal.
One other fun thing from the game came when they put the list of group outings and celebrations up on the scoreboard. As part of our ticket plan, we get one free message, which last year we used to wish my new nephew happy birthday.
This time, with no babies arriving this week, we went for something far more hilarious. It’s possible there were only four Arrested Development fans in the stadium paying attention at that moment, but I think they had to enjoy the joke:
We were originally thinking of several options, including something involving the banana stand, but what’s better than an obscure pop culture reference?
It’s been a big week for The Simpsons.
In addition to extending its streak of being my favorite show, two more pieces appeared in its wide cultural wake. The first was a win in the battle of Simpsons vs. Seinfeld over at Vulture.com’s “Sitcom Smackdown,” a bracket-style competition pitting some of the best shows from the past 30 years against one another.
This was the semi-final round, and the way it works is that someone writes a thoughtful piece breaking down and comparing each show. I was expecting a cheap, quick-vote style bracket like so many others you see pop up this time of year, but instead, writer David Lipsky penned a really deep essay that does both shows justice. As someone who has read a 430-page book about the residents of Springfield, I loved it. (Homer and company went on to beat Cheers in the finals.)
The other thing that popped up on the Web this week might take a deep Simpsons geek to truly appreciate. It involves my favorite fictional character, Milhouse Van Houten, the nerdy, loveable-loser best friend of Bart Simpson.
In short, this is what you need to know:
Then watch this:
I was already going to give them serious props for honoring Milhouse with a song, but a peek at their YouTube channel shows they also deserve extra life points for songs about Maeby from Arrested Development and Sam from Freaks & Geeks. Well done.
It’s always nice to find out that the show you watched that it seemed like nobody else watched actually has other watchers.
I hope that makes sense. In this example, it’s “Veronica Mars,” which lasted three seasons on TV before getting the ax. I knew a few people who were fans, but wouldn’t have guessed how many were out there before the people behind the show launched a Kickstarter campaign to help fund a movie version.
They were asking for $2 million, with a deadline of a month. It’s been two days, and nearly 50,000 people have contributed about $3.2 million. That includes people who pledged $6,500 to name a character in the movie and one guy who kicked in $10,000 to earn a speaking role.
In short, the Internet is a pretty amazing place.
I’ve watched the entire series several times, but in case my connection to the show wasn’t strong enough already, check out what I saw 20 seconds into the promotional video the stars did for the Kickstarter page:
That Krusty O’s box on the table looks pretty familiar. Hmm, where have I seen that before…Oh, right. Five feet from where I’m sitting now:
That’s how you get me to back your Kickstarter project.
I’ve had a number of job interviews during my lifetime.
Some of them are pretty straightforward, needing only to establish simple, straightforward information like, “Can you mow our lawn?” or “You’ve sold shoes before?”
Others were more typical, involving dressing up, doing my best to say all the right things and passing a current events quiz (non-journalism people definitely miss out on that fun…seriously).
But there’s one that definitely sticks out as memorable. It happened on a bench. Next to a carousel. On the National Mall:
This was an interesting conversation for several reasons. Obviously being next to a carousel was different, but imagine it actually running and a horde of little kids gathered around. On the other end of the line, my then-future, now-former boss was driving after picking up her son from daycare. He chimed in at times. I felt like he and I had a good rapport.
For the record, I don’t remember knowing exactly when this call was coming, and happened to be checking out some museums when it did.
In the end it went well, establishing either that it’s easy to sell yourself when you’re sitting next to a colorful, spinning disk of pure joy or that Jacksonville, Fla., is a really kooky place.