This is a rare time I will admit to failing at a post.

Ordinarily, if I have an idea that doesn’t quite pan out, you never know because I abandon it and write something else.  But in this case, I’m going to spell out my defeat and then attempt to rally and come through anyway.

Let’s start at the beginning.  The task, from my friend Jon, was this:

“Comprehensive analysis of why Marty McFly was a better Calvin Klein revenue generator than Mark Wahlberg and the Biebs combined.”

Because this is the Internet where multiple generations dwell, let me quickly lay out the pieces of that so everyone is on the same page.

Marty McFly: Michael J. Fox’s character in “Back to the Future.”  While time traveling in the past, he meets his own mother, and needing to stay undercover, goes with it when she calls him Calvin Klein based on the name written on his underwear.

Mark Wahlberg: Rapper, actor, restaurant partner, appeared in Calvin Klein ads in 1992.

Justin Bieber: Singer, leader of tween army, currently appearing in Calvin Klein ads.

My plan was to approach this purely analytically by finding Calvin Klein corporate earnings for 1991, 1992 and 1993 (Wahlberg before/during/after), and 1984, 1985 and 1986 (Back to the Future before/during/after).  Since I don’t have a flux capacitor to get 2015 and 2016 earnings I was going to make an argument against the Biebs either way.

I started with the early years, and after a ridiculous amount of searching came up with this disappointing revelation: Calvin Klein was privately held back then, meaning no public earnings (though that article does peg sales at $500 million).

To make matters worse, the company also licensed out manufacturing to other companies, and has itself been acquired several times since then.  In short, this method had zero chance of producing anything useful.

So let’s shift to a simpler argument.

In the movie, Marty McFly is a teenager who isn’t the coolest guy at school and certainly isn’t a jock.  He’s just a guy.

See?  He’s got a t-shirt and crazy bed head just like the rest of us.  In fact, that t-shirt remains even as his Calvin Kleins come into view:

On the other hand, there’s Wahlberg and Bieber.  You can see in that piece that their ads put no value on shirts or colors, all while utilizing bodies that most of us (even with some digital work) can’t really identify with.

A great advertisement either introduces you to a product or reinforces it in your mind, but in either case puts it in your world.  You can see yourself using that blender or enjoying that unlimited pasta bowl with your family.  Show me all the Ferrari commercials you want, but you’re wasting your time.

Bieber’s photo in that article catches him saying: “Hey girl, this is my photo shoot.  Don’t you see me being shirtless right here?  This is Calvin Klein, not your time.”

To his right, Wahlberg is saying: “Mr. Photo Man, how did you get in my house?  I have like 17 dogs out there and a bigass gate.  My lady here doesn’t like you either.  You better not have knocked over her motorcycle.”

Now let’s go back to McFly:

He was sleeping in those Calvin Kleins like a perfectly normal person.  The girl left the room, so he scrambles to throw on his jeans and cover those bad boys up.  You know, like underwear is designed to be.  

Which scenario makes you think, “Hm, now there’s a product I could incorporate into my life”?  You can try to sell aspiration, or you can sell practicality.  Sell a Porsche or sell a Camry.

Winner: McFly.