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  • 24 Jan

    Please Think Before Microwaving

    Urgent bulletin from the common sense department: Don’t put a dry sponge in the microwave for two minutes. Bad things will happen.

    Apparently a news story about a University of Florida study left out an important step requiring the sponge-microwaver to wet the thing first.

    “‘Just wanted you to know that your article on microwaving sponges and scrubbers aroused my interest. However, when I put my sponge/scrubber into the microwave, it caught fire, smoked up the house, ruined my microwave, and pissed me off,’ one correspondent wrote in an e-mail to Reuters.”

    Sure, Reuters should have included the detail. It is a somewhat important detail in the story about how microwaving the sponge can remove most of the bacteria. But at some point, common sense needs to kick in. Don’t put dry things in the microwave. Bad things happen.

    When I was a freshman in college I lived in an all-first-year dorm with about 300 of my closest friends. I lived on the third floor, just down the hall from my friend Shawn L.(not to be confused with my roommate Shawn R.). Shawn lived with a guy affectionately known as “Pinky.” I don’t want to get off track explaining why, and if you really need to know just ask.

    Pinky was a star. Just an upstanding human being who repeatedly was seen urinating on the floor in our lounge, passed out drunk in front of his door and apparently snored like some sort of prehistoric animal.

    In this freshman dorm we had what seemed like nightly fire alarms. There were never fires. Usually some kid pulled the alarm for fun, or on a dare, mission or whatever. Other times, people microwaved popcorn too long and the over-sensitive smoke detectors sent us out into the cold.

    Then there was Pinky. He decided one night at about 3 a.m. that he wanted some Ramen noodles. No problem. His room was mere feet from the microwave. He placed the cup inside, set the timer for 10 minutes and walked away.

    When the fire alarm went off I cursed whatever I could think of in my sleep-deprived stupor. I slid on the shoes and sweatshirt I kept right next to the bed for just these situations. I grabbed my keys and stumbled out of the room.

    The smoke was visible. Holy cow, there is actually a fire. The smell was horrendous. Burnt plastic. Smoked noodles. Just bad.

    We went through the normal routine. Stumble down the three flights of stairs, laughing at each other’s 3 a.m. attire. We assemble in the cold, seeking out our friends in the dark. Our head resident came out and gave us the normal, shut up and listen, does anyone know what happened speech. He tells us that the sooner we come clean, the sooner we can go inside.

    Well, not really. Normally, we all get outside and they turn the alarm off. We get yelled at. We go back inside. This time, there was so much smoke that every time they turned the alarm off, it got tripped again.

    After an indistinguishable amount of time, we got to go back inside. Word spread quickly as we marched through the lounge looking at the damage. The microwave was toast. The Ramen cup was completely melted into a pool of plastic on the rotating tray inside the microwave. The whole thing was black and deformed. No more Easy Mac in there. Then we got the official story. It was Pinky, his Ramen, his stupidity. A girl watched him put the cup in. He didn’t use any water.

    No water. Ten minutes. Wow.

    More than 500 students graduated in the Class of 2005. Pinky was not among us.

    By cjhannas not smart Susquehanna Uncategorized
  • 18 Jan

    Please Make it Stop

    I’ve been here for 7.5 hours. I have sold one pair of shoes. That sale was 6 hours ago. In that time I have had four times as many glasses of water (4). Another employee, who has not even been here for three days, has sold just as many pairs of shoes as I have (1). I have consumed as many cheesesteaks as pairs of shoes sold (1). I have consumed as many Cinnabons as pairs of shoes sold (1). I have consumed as many hot chocolates from Cinnabon as pairs of shoes sold (1).

    Shoot me now.

    EDITOR’S NOTE: I arrived at 12:58 p.m. I made that one shoe sale at 1:47 p.m. for $59.99. I left at 9:30 without making another sale, and somehow without killing myself.

    PPS: The next day, I had a $74.99 shoe returned the next day, making my two-day total negative.

    By cjhannas Cinnabon food insanity mall shoes Uncategorized
  • 17 Jan

    Let’s Not Get Carried Away

    CAUTION: This blog contains math.

    The Associated Press is reporting that cancer deaths in the U.S. have dropped for a second-straight year, “confirming that a corner has been turned in the war on cancer.”

    After reading that lead, I scanned down in the article to find out just how big this drop was. Had we really turned a corner? Have all the fund-raising and research efforts finally made a dent in the disease?

    AP says absolutely. I think they might be getting a little ahead of themselves. The data says that in 2003, the number of deaths dropped by 369 from the previous year. In 2004, the drop was more than 3000 deaths. Sure, between those two numbers that’s a big difference. But when you put those drops against the number of total deaths, the significance gets eroded.

    Journalists are expected to have a shaky grip on math. In grad school we were given a packet in an introductory course that was basically “Math for Idiots.” It was a joke. Not meant to be funny, it was the simplest math on the planet. Maybe that significance was lost on me.

    Here’s how the cancer statistics break down. In 2004, when there was a drop of 3,014 deaths, 553,888 people still died. When you look at the change between 2003 and 2004–where the difference in total deaths was eight times less in 2004–the percent change was only one half of one percent. That’s .005 between the two years.

    That’s nothing. If the government put together its new budget and said it’s going to be half a percent different from last year, nobody would care. If your taxes went up half a percent, you wouldn’t notice. Heck, if your BAC went up .005 you wouldn’t notice, or care.

    I’m all for progress and positive change, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

    By cjhannas math Uncategorized
  • 11 Jan

    Noticing Everything’s Right…or Left

    There are 6.5 billion people in the world. They come in different colors. They come in different shapes. They have different personalities. They have different opinions about themselves and each other. While we agree on a lot of things, there are still thousands of ways to divide us.

    One such way is people who pay attention, and people who don’t. That could have a lot of meanings, like who’s a good listener or who reads the newspaper. I like people who pay attention to the other things, those that nobody else notices or finds interesting.

    I was walking in Washington, D.C., a few weeks ago with a friend. It was one of those December days where it’s sunny enough to look warm, but just chilly enough to remind you that it’s winter. There were plenty of other people around, businessmen on their lunch break and tourists heading to the White House. As we crossed a street, she pointed out a fire hydrant with a hat.

    Undoubtedly, hundreds of people walked by that fire hydrant with a bright orange road cone on top, but how many of them really noticed it? How many of them found a second to laugh at a fire hydrant with a hat? Then there was the possibility that the cone wasn’t a hat, it was a cone that just wanted to make itself feel superior to another nearby cone. You see, the “hat” cone was plain, an orange cone that had been put through a lot and showed its age. The cone next to the fire hydrant was a bright orange, topped with two reflective stripes screamed of a higher status in the cone world. But on that day, it was the old, beaten cone that was best on its hydrant perch.

    But maybe asking for people who notice the extra stuff in life is asking a bit much. After all, so many of them are struggling with the obvious.

    Take the all-too-often occurrence at the New Balance store in Tysons Corner, Va. This is a store that sells nothing but New Balance products, has nothing but New Balance products and is adorned with an overwhelming number of items possessing the New Balance name. And no, for the thousandth time, they don’t have Reeboks, Asics, or Heelys.

    An actual conversation:

    Lady: “What brand is this?”
    Me: “New Balance, it’s all New Balance.”
    Lady: “Oh, is that some kind of new thing, like from Nike or something?”
    Me: Bangs head on wall.

    At least while I’m there I can notice that very few of our customers write left-handed. All-knowing Wikipedia says 8 to 15 percent of adults are lefties…though it also actually states that a long-term impairment to the right hand is a cause for some people to write with their left hand. I never would have thought of that. Ever.

    One thing we lefties apparently have is atrocious handwriting. That’s not everyone—there are certainly some who manage to overcome the institutional barriers to proper penmanship—but many of us struggle to make things legible enough for anyone but ourselves to read. Sometimes even that is tough.

    In English we write from left to write. For right-handers, there’s really not much in their way. They can pull the pen across the paper, seeing clearly what they are doing and have no physical impediments to their task.

    For lefties, there’s a lot in the way. We have to push the pen, much harder than pulling it across the page. When we’re looking at what we’re doing, we have to sort of hook our hand above the letters as we go or our fingers will get in the way. Try writing sometime without being able to see what you’re doing. Then there’s the smudging. As we move across the page, our hand is moving through what we just wrote. Fountain pens? Forget it. Markers? Not pretty. And then there’s spiral notebooks. As we write on the left side of a page, our hand rests on the stabbing metal coils—not exactly a recipe for success.

    But remember, everyone is born right handed. Only the gifted overcome it.

    By cjhannas mall shoes Uncategorized
  • 01 Jan

    Bringing in the New Year

    1. The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?:
    someone on their way to my house with a lot of cash for me

    2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?:
    all the time. and often grab some wayward carts that are in my vicinity.

    3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?:
    i can listen with the best of them

    4. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?
    absolutely

    5. Do you like to ride horses?
    sure why not

    6. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?:
    yep

    7. What was your favorite board game as a kid?:
    CLUE

    8. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was married would you get involved with him/her?:
    hell no

    9. Are you judgmental?
    i don’t think so

    10. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you?
    Absolutely, nothing wrong with broadening the horizons

    11. Are you continuing your education?:
    I’m good for now

    12. Do you know how to shoot a gun?:
    sure

    13. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grab?
    the doorknob

    14. How often do you read books?
    pretty often

    15. Do you think more about the past, present or future?
    present

    16. What is your favorite children’s book?:
    The Pokey Little Puppy

    17. Have you kissed any of your MySpace friends?:
    survey says yes

    18. How tall are you?:
    6’3″

    19. Where is your ideal house located?:
    right next to the first tee of my private golf course in a sunny location

    20. Last person you talked to?:
    Aundrea’s voicemail

    21. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?:
    that’s a no

    22. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?:
    probably within the last year

    23. What are your keys on your key chains for?
    house, car, store

    24. What did you do last night?:
    some high quality chillaxin

    25. Where is your current pain at?
    I’m doing pretty awesome right now, left knee and ankle, right groin muscle, been sick for like two weeks…just awesome

    26. Do you like mustard?:
    yep

    27. Do you like your mom or dad?:
    both

    28. How long does it take you in the shower?:
    as fast as it has to be

    29. What movie do you want to see right now?:
    Good Shepherd

    30. Do you put lotion on your dog or cats?
    who the hell does that?

    31. What did you do for New Year’s?:
    chillaxed

    32. Do you think The Grudge was scary?:
    dont plan on seeing that one

    33. Do you own a camera phone?:
    yep

    34. What’s the last letter of your middle name?
    s

    35. Who did you vote for on American Idol?:
    nadie

    36. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?:
    eh, 6 or 7 hours

    37. Do you like Care Bears?:
    I’ve got no beef with the Care Bears

    38. Do you know how to play poker?
    basically

    39. Do you wear your seatbelt?
    always

    40. What do you wear to sleep?:
    depends on how cold it is, usually shorts and a t-shirt

    41. Anything big ever happen in your hometown?
    nah

    42. Is your tongue pierced?
    nope

    43. Who’s the funniest person you know?
    Dave Coulier

    44. Do you like funny or serious people better?
    a good combination of both

    45. Ever been to Vegas?:
    nah

    46. Did you eat a cookie today?:
    TWO of them

    47. Do you use cuss words in other languages?:
    nope

    48. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads?:
    pay

    49. When was the last time you said “i love you” and meant it?:
    i’m not sure

    50. What is one word that you shout often?
    I’m not much of a shouter

    51. Is your cell usually on vibrate or ring?
    99.999999% of the time I rock the vibrate

    52. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to survive?
    nah

    By cjhannas Uncategorized
  • 13 Dec

    Oh for the Love of Pete

    I’ve never been more bored in my entire life.

    Some people eat when they are sad. Some people eat when they are hungry. Some people eat when they are depressed.

    I just ate 8 Chicken McNuggets out of little more than pure boredom and the opportunity to leave the store for 4 minutes to acquire those nuggets.

    The only entertaining part of today was when a woman asked to use the fitting room. It’s located in the back corner of the store, a mere 5 feet from where she was standing. It has a sign that says in big letters “Fitting Room.”

    I said sure, it’s unlocked. She walks right past it, and into the backstock. Sadly, that’s not remotely the first time that’s happened.

    By cjhannas food mall shoes Uncategorized
  • 12 Dec

    Mice and their Cheese-had

    We recently have welcomed the Mouse clan into our fine apartment here in Maryland. That’s Miles Mouse and Maury Mouse, brothers who entered through a vent in Jason’s closet and took up residence underneath the couch and in the underbelly of the fridge.

    This is no ordinary tale of unwanted rodents though, as Maury Mouse–not to be confused with Mighty Mouse–appeared only after the death of his brother. (The death of Miles and his heroic life are detailed in a touching tribute by Jon Fogg).

    My theory? Miles Mouse was sitting with his family a month ago, shaking in the November cold contemplating strategies for getting through the Winter. The Mouse clan had recently relocated to Maryland after spending their lives in Florida near Ft. Lauderdale. Miles decided his best option was to try to enter a nearby apartment, gather whatever food he could, try to build some sort of home, and then report back to the group.

    As reported by Jon, Miles was captured and thrown outside by what he described as “infidels.” Before re-entering Apartment 11, he rallied his family using the words of Michael Mouse–his father and noted mouse cleric. He declared a Cheese-had on the infidels and returned to begin his fight.

    Maury Mouse worried when his brother didn’t return. He said he’d set up a base camp and return in just a few days. When there was no sign of him after a week, Maury knew the worst had happened. He snuck into the vent used to gain access to Apartment 11, but instead of going all the way inside, he sat and he waited. He listened as the infidels rejoiced over vanquishing Miles from their abode. Maury fumed.

    The next day the residents of Apartment 11 awoke to find familiar signs of mouse. Later on there were sounds of chewing from behind the fridge. It was clear another mouse had entered their presence, and only later did they realize that the Cheese-had was on. Not only is Maury Mouse carrying on the exploits of Miles, he’s taken it to a new level.

    It was discovered that Miles was somehow climbing up the refrigerator power cord to access the counter top, and in six-million-dollar-man fashion jumped across to the stove…where he would then poop. We assumed Maury would have been trained at the Mouse camp to perform similar tasks, so we blocked the back of the fridge with a large envelope, hoping to discourage him from climbing. Maury is obviously committed to the cause, as we awoke this morning to find the bottom corner of the envelope chewed to shreds, allowing easy access to the wonders of our counter.

    But don’t despair. We are committed to winning the war against these insurgents. We have made great progress and are going to stay the course until victory. There will be no early exits. We do have a plan. Of course we can’t tell you about that plan, which contains no detail, but we do have a plan.

    By cjhannas Uncategorized
  • 11 Dec

    I’m Stuck on the Couch and Can’t Get Up

    Laziness is all around us. It takes many forms, from people who spend most of the day on the couch to those who put things off to another day instead of putting out the effort right now.

    Procrastination is fine, as long as it’s not a way of life and as long as those things eventually get done. Physical laziness, like complaining when an escalator is broken so you have to actually walk up the stairs, is not acceptable.

    I answer several phone calls a day asking where our store is located in the mall. Apparently these people have never been to a mall and don’t understand the basic concept. Here it is: Many stores under one roof. It’s a shopping center, not a city.

    I want to tell every one of those callers that it’s a mall, there are stores inside and all they have to do is find someplace to park and walk inside. There are thousands of parking spaces, all located within short walking distance of a door that will get you inside the “massive” complex that is the mall.

    From there, you are inside, use those two things at the lower half of you body and move them in succession. This is called walking. You can walk at whatever pace you want, from a near crawl to a jog if you wish. Just move those two little guys.

    Once this process is started, use the thing on the top of your head. It has many functions, the most useful here being the ability (maybe) to read, and also the swivel function that allows the user to move the range of vision from one place to another. Use these functions to read the store names as you pass. When you see “New Balance,” slow your walking pace (see above) and move the body in the direction of the sign. There is a nice wide door right underneath the sign that allows you entrance into the store.

    When your business is complete, simply do the reverse of everything you did getting into the store in order to get home. Note: Please leave out calling us again at the end of this process in order to not waste more of my time.

    If this process seems to arduous, then perhaps you should reevaluate your original mission. You do not need athletic shoes. I repeat, you do not need athletic shoes. Go to CVS and stock up on AAA batteries for your remote control. And no, I can’t tell you how to get to a CVS or give you directions to the batteries once you are in the store.

    That all may sound harsh, but believe me, it happens all too often for any sort of patience to remain.

    Take another example. “Hi is there a Skechers store in your mall.” Yes. “Can you give me their phone number?”

    Yes that happened. Someone went through the effort of finding the number to one store in the mall, in order to ask the number of another store in the mall. Sounds like it should have been an easy one-step process of simply finding the number of the store you actually wanted in the first place. Maybe not.

    At roughly 7 p.m. Saturday two women came into the store with no shopping bags. One tried on several pairs of shoes. She said she was so tired she couldn’t tie them herself. I asked if they had been shopping all day. No, they just got there. They hadn’t done anything really all day, “Actually I don’t really know why I’m tired, haha.” Don’t worry, I’ve only been on my feet for seven hours–with 3 to go–I’ll take care of the incredibly taxing task of tying your shoes.

    On second thought, let me go find a three-year-old kid to follow you home just in case you need them tied again.

    By cjhannas mall shoes Uncategorized
  • 01 Dec

    So Wrong, Yet So Right

    There’s something wrong about running in shorts and a t-shirt in December right by a Christmas tree lot.

    And Mission Cups, the infamous Smith Hall styrofoam cup prank is featured on a web site…and yes you should vote for it.

    By cjhannas Christmas running Susquehanna Uncategorized
  • 29 Nov

    To Put it in Perspective

    Life is all about perspective. It’s about how you look at things, how they stack up together and relate within the context of the rest of the world.

    Some people get swamped at work, have to do something with their kids or just plain end up with so much to do they have to skip a meal. They’re miserable. It ruins their day. But then there’s thousands of people on Earth who didn’t even have one meal today, and if they did, it’s not what we would even consider a meal. Perspective.

    A football player is having the season of his life. He’s leading his team to a great record and in doing so is making a great name for himself. Then a knee injury ends his season. It’s a tragedy. His teammates feel bad, his family feels bad, fans feel bad that the injury has ruined this great season. But he goes to one of the country’s best doctors, pays nothing, gets great medical care and still gets paid millions of dollars. At the same time, a factory worker falls down the stairs while rushing to work and injures his knee. He doesn’t have health insurance. He gets a huge medical bill that he can’t pay because now he can’t work. Perspective.

    According to the National Priorities Project, the United States has appropriated more than $346 billion in Iraq. For perspective, this is what just $87 billion looks like. That’s a lot of cash that could probably go towards some pretty good things.

    One such cause is this thing we call home. Well I guess it’s really called Earth, but it needs a little help. Do yourself a favor and watch An Inconvenient Truth, featuring the one and only Al Gore. That’ll give you some perspective.

    And some final perspective:

    The youth of the nation.

    Pac-Man-related material.

    By cjhannas Uncategorized
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