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Santa Taylor Thomas

After I posted about the classic movie Snow Day, my friend presented me another winter film challenge:

@cjhannas do the movie with Jonathan Taylor Thomas & Jessica Biel next. Home for Christmas ?

— Nurse Bailey™ ⚾️❤️ (@heartRN13) December 5, 2015

Netflix assumes I will hate this movie. They are usually correct about such things, but let’s enjoy the ride!

This is supposedly taking place at a college, so why do they have lockers? I should also note there is a kid locked inside like any good high school college movie. It also appears they hired 14-year-olds to play most of the students. Except Jessica Biel.

Guess which of those two is older? I was surprised to learn (according to Wikipedia) the answer is JTT by six months. He turned 18 the year the movie came out, which was also the final year of Home Improvement.

Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have antagonists! I’m pretty sure one of them is in No Doubt. But let’s not be too quick to cast them as the bad guys because JTT’s character is a total punk. I wondered how such a bad person came to be, but then he called his dad and it was all so clear.

Bill.Freaking.Lumbergh. (If that name means nothing to you, I need you to put down your device and watch Office Space. I’ll wait here.) If it wasn’t clear already, there are some excellent 1998 things in this movie, like when people had pagers.

These were carried in a school, which if 1998 high school freshman me remembers correctly would have earned me a suspension or expulsion for being a drug dealer, or something. Anyway, JTT did the “bad” guys wrong and they responded by putting him in a Santa suit and dumping him in a desert.

Rock that weird santa mustache thing with shame, young man. Our story is not odd enough yet, so let’s add in the other element of any good 1998 teen movie: the other dude.

“What should we listen to? Jewel? Sarah? Fiona?” Late ’90s other dude is working hard to steal this girl. Meanwhile, back with our hero…

Old ladies took pity on him and gave him a ride. THINGS ARE GETTING ZANY NOW. Oh now he puked in the car and they kicked him out. He’s at a place where there are tons of people…and yet he walks back to a desolate spot to try to get another ride?

JTT, we need to have a talk about your hitchhiking skillz. First of all, you need people to get a ride, so stay where they are. Second, you’re trying to make a trip from Los Angeles to New York (to be with his family at Christmas…sorry I forgot to mention the goal of all of this). HOW IS THIS SIGN HELPING?

Dude. We just talked about this. Why did you go stand on the side of the highway now? This is how you spend a day watching cars fly by at 70 miles per hour until one hits you. Also, I’d like to point out that despite being very much alive in 1998, I have not recognized a single song in the first half of this movie.

Let the ZANINESS continue! Our hero(?) got picked up by a thief in a van, they got pulled over and told the cop they were actually on their way to give the stuff to kids lol and the cop said ok cool I’d love to see Santa do that I’ll come watch. So kids are getting microwaves.

Now one of the kids told a sad story and all adults are reevaluating their lives, including JTT who called home and I think we’re supposed to root for him now? I refuse. The cop doesn’t, he’s giving JTT a ride to Nebraska to help him win back his own lady. Also, it’s been 15 minutes since we checked in on the other storyline and I think Jessica might have killed that other kid?

“Marjorie it wasn’t me kissing her, it was the Jagermeister!” K. Now JTT is writing a parody of O Christmas Tree with lyrics to impress Marjorie and he’s doing it on the fly? GET RIGHT OUT OF HERE. Somehow this worked and JTT got a bus ticket out of it.

Update: other kid is not dead, but may be soon. JK she just had a little snowball fight with other dude and they’re totes getting married now. Back to the bus.

JTT “found” an unattended cooler with a human liver in it and is demanding the bus detour to its proper home and wouldn’t you know he put the cooler there and the place is really the hotel where the girl and other dude are…and when he gets there he admits to the girl he’s really rushing home to beat a deadline his dad set so he could get a Porsche because these are likable people.

Hoooboy the dudes decide to travel together, stuff happens, JTT gets kicked out, and miraculously comes across a Santa 5K with a $1,000 prize?! Seems pretty generous for a race with like 40 people and a $10 entry fee, but whatevs. Oh and I don’t even have to tell you he won because of course!

But guess what? Something ELSE went awry and he is at the airport with no ticket. No problem, because JTT has a knack for immediately seeing the next really convenient thing right in front of him!

What’s that? A dog crate I can climb inside that’s going on that very flight?! Fret not, my friends, this was basically the final step in the hero’s journey. Everything is going to be fine.

And most importantly…

Thank.Goodness.

December 16, 2015 Christmas movies
The Girl On The Diving Board

One of the features of my industry is a virtual guarantee of a TV on your desk. During newsworthy times, it’s tuned to whatever event, but when there’s nothing going on then random background content takes over. Like on Christmas when the sweet sounds of police scanner blend with A Christmas Story.

That was my desk in Jacksonville, where that TV brought me an amazingly high frequency of TBS showing the classic film Snow Day at 3 a.m. Send the kids away before we continue because this film is rated PG for some serious stuff.

To understand the general tone of this film, know that it came out in 2000 so of course the soundtrack features Smashmouth, LFO and 98 Degrees. Oh and it has a plot, largely involving this high school kid who has a crush on the gorgeous girl his friends think is way out of his league. “To people like her, people like you are invisible.”

These friends may be onto something. But wait, there is some glimmer of hope. It seems she has just broken up with her boyfriend, despite the fact that he drives a yellow Mustang convertible.

She needs some “time to think.” I used this time to Google how old supposed high schooler Emmanuelle Chiriqui was at the time, and the answer is 23. But getting back to our hero, it seems he found her bracelet in the pool earlier and is totally not being weird about it back at home.

Like not weird at all.

The friends remain concerned, even the bucket hat kid. I can’t tell if that’s because of the hero or the fact that we’re almost 20 minutes into a movie called Snow Day and the weather is still warm and sunny.

Wait. Here we goooooo!

Our hero’s little sister remains just as unconvinced about his quest. “You’re going to waste a snow day on some girl?!”

She leads a side plot involving a vendetta against the creepy snow plow guy who always clears the streets so effectively that they can’t get more than one day off of school. I fully support this effort. Especially since the man has a bird in his plow truck and that should be against regulations.

There’s also a little brother involved who is stuck inside with their work-too-much mom. If you watch this movie, these are parts you can skip. She is worthless. The kid said his teacher tells them a story about “a Poky Little Puppy” and the mom has no clue what that is. Well, lady, I KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT.

Back to the hero. It appears that roughly 89 other people are in love with this girl and have taken to picketing outside her house. I have never tried this but suddenly think maybe that’s where I’ve been going wrong all this time?

Scratch that. The hero has better plans. Take over a TV live shot!

As someone who has spent many hours in a control room, I can tell you that our first instinct in a situation like this is to say, “Eh, let’s see where this goes.” And it goes well. Rico Suave knows her favorite gum!

Did I mention she dated the old boyfriend for three years and just broke up with him YESTERDAY? Because that’s the situation.

Meanwhile, the younger kids have concocted a plan of placing a body in the middle of the road faking death with a pile of ketchup on his chest. This is very rational. It also results in creepy snow plow man dipping his french fries in the ketchup.

This is a good time to revisit that PG rating. The only violence has been people getting hit with snowballs, but we’re totally fine with this. Oh, and now he has abducted the child. This kids movie is going well. I feel like an entire generation of young people is very anti-snow plow because of it.

Anywho, THERE ARE IMPORTANT THINGS HAPPENING IN THE OTHER STORYLINE!!! The hero’s solid wingwoman friend has made an impassioned plea to the hot chick, and now hot chick is laughing off the criticism of her own friends and going after our hero!

But wait, holy plot twist, Batman!

This relationship status just became complicated. The 98 Degrees song was involved here. And now this is happening:

Two seconds later the hot chick is all like yeah you should go after the other girl and hero dude is like yeah I know, I am. So, to recap, he spent unknown hours before we joined the story thinking about this girl, kisses her, and then walks away like nothing ever happened.

And then the real travesty of this snow day sets in. The hero gets a resolution. The girl and her younger kid friends get their resolution with the snow plow dude. The hot chick? WE NEVER SEE HER AGAIN.

She could still be up on that diving board. Someone please go check.

December 4, 2015 movies Uncategorized
Check Yourself

Think for a second and try to remember the last time you were at the register in a store, the cashier told you the total amount they wanted in exchange for whatever you were purchasing, and your next move was to write a check.

Really, think hard. But don’t hurt yourself. I understand this will be a really tough task like trying to remember an ex’s cousin’s dog’s name.

I ask because yesterday at the grocery store this happened. I saw a lane where the only person in line was two bottles of wine from reaching the payment process and swung my cart in there. To my disbelief, the guy pulled out his checkbook and asked how much he owed.

He wrote quickly, but when he handed over the check and his driver’s license, the entire process proved exactly why we don’t do this anymore. The cashier typed in what seemed like 40 things into the computer and ran the check through. There was an error. A manager was summoned to register 6. He punched in 60 things and swiped his keytag four times. They ran the check through again and made it work.

The cashier sent the guy on his way and started scanning my stuff, only to be interrupted by the cashier from register 5. In his hand, a check. He needed to know how many times to hit some button to make the check work.

So if you’re scoring at home, it’s been years since I can even recall seeing someone use a check, and yesterday it happened twice in a matter of seconds.

When it came time for me to pay, my credit card transaction went through in what I estimate to be .00000003 seconds. No special buttons required.

Also, before I got to the checkout process, this happened:

Guy at Harris Teeter sneezes. Woman nearby: “As Seinfeld would say, ‘you’re so good-looking.'”

— Chris Hannas (@cjhannas) December 3, 2015

Pretty special day at the grocery store.

December 4, 2015 Uncategorized
Literary Larceny

It’s not often I see the movie version of a story and then proceed to the book. Off the top of my head, I actually can’t think of another example, but I just did that with Markus Zusak’s “The Book Thief.”

For most books, having seen the movie would provide too many spoilers to fully enjoy the written version. Sure, there are plenty of pieces left out, but you know the highlights and especially the ending.

This story was different. I knew the ending when I flipped to page 1, and that was okay, since the narrator, Death, pretty much tells you the end right from the start.

Death turns out to be a really great narrator and should definitely keep up that line of work. The main focus of the book is Liesel Meminger, a young girl whose mother gives her up to an older couple in Nazi Germany. Liesel is the ultimate protagonist you root for and the actress that plays her in the movie, Sophie Nelisse, is downright perfect.

Death takes us through dual storylines involving Liesel and a man named Max, which are destined to come together, and he handles our expectations of the merger appropriately.

“The juggling comes to an end now, but the struggling does not. I have Liesel Meminger in one hand, Max Vandenburg in the other. Soon, I will clap them together. Just give me a few pages.”

Death is busy at this time in history and uses his unique position to relate Liesel’s world and the wider one around her in a way that takes a perspective outside of a human body.

“You might argue that I make the rounds no matter what year it is, but sometimes the human race likes to crank things up a little,” the narrator says. “They increase the production of bodies and their escaping souls. A few bombs usually do the trick.”

As the bombs fall throughout Europe, Liesel wants nothing more than to read, and to do that she needs books. Wartime in a poor family is not the ideal set of conditions to acquire said texts, so, as the title suggests, she is fond of stealing. Her most frequent target is the house of her town’s mayor, in a library kept by his wife.

One of her selections involved motivations straight out of “Billy Madison,” who tells his teacher he drew a blue duck in class because he had never seen a blue duck before.

“Typically, many of the titles tempted her, but after a good minute or two in the room, she settled for A Song in the Dark, most likely because the book was green, and she did not yet own a book of that color.”

For all the evil in the book, which should be expected when your narrator is Death, the story has an overwhelming balance of showing the good in people and what happens when you take the time to care.

Death sums it up.

“The human heart is a line, whereas my own is a circle, and I have the endless ability to be in the right place at the right time. The consequence of this is that I’m always finding humans at their best and worst. I see their ugly and their beauty, and I wonder how the same thing can be both.”

November 21, 2015 books Uncategorized
Future Chris

Last week I got an email that had just about everything, starting with time travel:

The message is from Hinge, a dating app that shows you profiles of people who are connected to you in some way through your Facebook network. They show you a few profiles a day, you say yes or no, and if you both say yes then you can chat.

I haven’t used this app since March, but apparently Future Me really wants me to talk to Anne.

How far in the future was this written? I feel like that’s a crucial piece of information for Current Me to know. If it’s only a few weeks from now, that’s less compelling than 98-year-old me imploring me to act.

Also, worth it in what way, Future Me? Is this a love connection or do I get a really good deal on a timeshare through knowing her? DOES SHE OWN A TACO BELL?

I sure hope Future Me is way in the future, because man the end of the email is not cool:

And that capitalization. Come on, Future Chris.

Oh there’s another issue too. This message included a picture, which, well, shows Anne standing rather next to a gentleman in a way that suggests her status is not exactly single:

So Future Chris, please follow up with clarifications on these issues.

November 20, 2015 internet Uncategorized
Paperback Writer

After a few weeks of tweaking the layout, we’re finally at the last big step for my book: the paperback edition is now available.

Where can you get it? Several places. Which should you choose? Depends on who you are and what you want. Okay, that’s a bit existential, so let me break it down.

If you have Amazon Prime or will otherwise order enough to get free shipping, get it on Amazon!

If you’re going to be paying shipping costs anyway, get it through Createspace!

If you know you want me to sign it, send me a note! (I’ll sign any of them, but we can skip at least one step of you shipping a book to me.)

Basically, Createspace is an Amazon company that is printing the book. If you buy using the first option Amazon keeps a bigger percentage of purchase price, but not paying shipping is obviously a perk. They take a smaller cut if you order through Createspace, but there you have to pay for shipping. I can get books cheaper directly from them, but obviously then have to ship to you or hand-deliver.

Any way you do it, enjoy!

November 12, 2015 Uncategorized writing
Not Night Book

I don’t watch horror movies. The last thing I would ever do is watch one before bed since I often dream about things I saw or thought about late in the day. In a similar vein, as much as I was riveted by the story and wanted to get to the end of the book, Marisha Pessl’s “Night Film” was not bedtime reading for me.

The depth of this book is fantastic and anyone who is a crime story fan will love it. I was extremely impressed by the way the print version is presented with believable recreations of media websites like CNN and Vanity Fair.

The story follows an investigative journalist and his look into the life of reclusive horror director Stanislas Cordova and his family. Cordova is a cult legend with a legion of fans who gather for ultra-secret screenings and an even more secret website devoted to his life and work.

The reporter, Scott McGrath, at one point gains access to the site and reads about the concept “freak the ferocious out.”

“There were quite a few pages on the site devoted to Cordova’s supposed life philosophy, which meant, in a nutshell, that to be terrified, to be scared out of your skin, was the beginning of freedom, of opening your eyes to what was graphic and dark and gorgeous about life, thereby conquering the monsters of your mind.”

It’s safe to say Cordova films would not be in my Netflix queue at any point whatsoever. Unless by some Cordovian way they creepily appeared on their own, in which case I would throw my TV in a river and move to another country.

One of the main themes in the book is the effect that Cordova has on people and the way that those he works with and other characters make choices to completely change their lives. He mentions in an interview the three words sovereign, deadly and perfect to describe the perfect shot in one of his movies. Perfect hits on that theme.

“The understanding that life and wherever you find yourself at the present are absolutely ideal. No regret, no guilt, because even if you were stuck it was only a cocoon to break out of — setting your life loose.”

Now that is a Cordova-related thing I can get behind. Of course, it’s not always true, but isn’t it nice to think that no matter the challenge, there’s always the potential to break free and flourish into something better?

Nora, a young woman who assists McGrath, spent part of her childhood living in a nursing home, and only left when a resident handed her a bunch of money and told her to scram.

“So I scrammed,” she says. “I walked to the Kissimmee station and got on a bus to New York. People don’t realize how easy life is to change. You just get on the bus.”

Again, it’s rarely so simple. But at the same time, even a smaller version of getting on the bus is all you need to get going.

Nora works as a hostess at a fancy restaurant when McGrath meets her, but later changes jobs to a place that brought tremendous 2006 flashbacks for me.

“Did you miss work tonight?” [McGrath] asked. “The Four Seasons?”
“Oh, no. My last day as yesterday. The normal girl game back from maternity leave. Tomorrow I’m starting as a waitress at Mars 2112.”

That, of course, is the restaurant in Times Square themed like you were visiting Mars in the year 2112 for your meal. I went there with my cousin Lauren and it was everything we dreamed it could be.

November 7, 2015 books Uncategorized
Refrigerate Your Fancy Penguin

Before working full-time at my current job I was a contractor there, which involved having to officially register as a business. I was my only employee, but still ended up on tons of databases of small businesses. That means that to this day I still frequently get mail from places like Comcast Business and others trying to get me to sign up my “company” for their services.

One of the things I got recently was a giant catalog featuring just about any supply you could want to run an office. Since I don’t have one, there’s no need for me to buy, but that shouldn’t stop us from examining the wonderful things that are available.

I’ve always struggled with how to best ship my deer statues, but now all my problems are solved!

Why do I get the feeling there are teeth in those bags? Are they included in the price?

I honestly couldn’t decide which of these to show. On the one hand, it would be great to finally control all the crowds that follow me around, but at the same time it’s so hard to look past a product name like “wire dump bins.”

Forget grabbing a cart at the grocery store that’s already been used by 10 random people that day. It’s time I stepped up and got my own. Maybe one in each color?

For the love of Pete, DO NOT FREEZE YOUR PENGUINS! Or do? This collection of signs is very confusing.

As a former footwear professional and one-time taker of a college physics course, I have to vehemently disagree with this aspiration. Tell people it’s like walking on pillows. That’s a real thing they can do. Attempting to walk on clouds will not end well for your business.

Who knew brooms were available in so many colors? As a business owner, I would be paralyzed by the decision of which to get. Except the white one. I don’t know what kind of psychopath would order that.

Once I’ve got my crowd controlled, I should have a nice place for them to quietly sit and observe the world. Thank goodness I can order some nice aluminum bleachers! But only three rows of you can come at one time, so please form an orderly line.

Beard net. A beard net. A net for beards.

I’ve seen lots of cones in my life and to my recollection they were all orange. I assumed that was pretty much all that was made, like the way tires are black. Yellow? I can see maybe some use for those. Is there a chance anyone has bought a single blue one though? I kind of want to put in an order so they can email back saying, “Ohhh sorry, we Photoshopped that to make it seem like a more diverse line, but we don’t actually make the blue ones lolllll.”

November 6, 2015 Uncategorized
Taco Bell & Chill

People’s opinions on Taco Bell vary widely, and nowhere is that more true than in the dating world. Sure, there are those who celebrate the wonderful contributions that Taco Bell makes to our lives, but much more often even the knowledge that I like said deliciousness leads to texts like this:

That was a pre-emptive shutdown of the idea of going to Taco Bell, which I wasn’t even offering in the first place. I mean, what could be worse than eating a simple meal with someone you like?

Of course, some people make their Taco Bell feelings clear in their profile, which seems to me like the perfect method for filtering. So I used one site’s search feature to compile a quick sampling TB attitudes.

It so does count! Come on! We’ll never succeed as a species if we don’t proudly stand behind our beliefs!

You’re BAD. I’m sorry, that was harsh. But so was making such a declaration about TB. You might even say it was preachy. I should also point out that this person’s profile picture is a rabbit.

Well, I can appreciate your views and thank you for respectfully setting culinary expectations.

Listen, lady, there’s no need to curse. You could have just stopped two sentences earlier and been totally cool.

Oh now this is a different problem altogether. I can’t decide if the first issue to tackle is a nice Taco Bell lunch or this cobweb situation. At the very least I need to know what an alternative pronunciation would even be.

Forget math, musical ability or naming state capitals backwards, this is a true talent.

This one started out so well, and then I completely stopped understanding her point. What kind of life prioritizes abs over chalupas? Not one I want, that’s for sure.

Wow, I can save you a lot of time. The basic process is acquiring Taco Bell food (either by walking into the restaurant and ordering when your turn in line comes up, or by utilizing the drive thru), then you unwrap the menu item you’d like to eat, open your mouth, place a portion of the item inside, bite down, chew and swallow. It’s actually the exact same process you would use when drunk, so it shouldn’t be too hard for you to figure out.

You just did publicly admit that, and there’s no shame! Sing it loud and proud!!! I moved last year to a place farther away from Taco Bell. It’s only half a mile farther, but I can feel the separation in my bones.

You’re out.

This is not the Taco Bell experience I desire. Have a blessed life.

There’s no need to bring social desirability into this. You do you, and if that’s Taco Bell, then great! All the haters have plenty of each other to choose from.

Amen. Are you free Friday night?

November 1, 2015 Taco Bell Uncategorized
Iceberg Right Ahead

It’s late 2015 and as of this moment I’ve never seen the movie Titanic. There are a few reasons for this, mainly that I understand this film is more than three hours long.

I’m currently enjoying a period of free HBO courtesy of my friends at FIOS, and after seeing Titanic pop up I thought I would rectify the hole in my cultural knowledge and finally watch it. Here we go.

Wait, why is some new fancy craft looking at a boat at the bottom of the sea? THANKS FOR SPOILING THE ENDING ALREADY, JAMES CAMERON.

Okay, we found the lady who was on board. She experienced this horrific sinking firsthand. But let’s leave it to Admiral T-Shirt to explain the whole thing to her. “The experience of it was somewhat different.” I don’t think she’s a big fan of Admiral T-Shirt and his methods.

Ohhh, I get it, this is a Fast and the Furious prequel. Fast and the Furious: Iceberg Drift? Too soon? Sorry.

Have a wonderful time, everyone! We’ll just remain behind this high-security picket fence!

The montage of people boarding showed several bringing dogs with them. Naturally, I asked Google how many dogs were on Titanic, and you betcha Google is all over that:

I was 14 years old when this movie came out and heard numerous stories of girls my age who went to see it like every moment of their free time. I think that was because of Leo. And here we are 23 minutes in before he makes his first appearance? What was that theater atmosphere like in minutes 1-22?

Leo is running to the ship declaring himself and his Italian buddy the “luckiest sons of bitches in the world.” Sir, I do not think this will turn out to be historically accurate, but I wish you the very best.

Good news though: THE CAPTAIN MADE PIZZA ROLLS!!!!

So the cavalry comes to “save” Rose from Leo who is CLEARLY THE WORST EVER PUT HIM IN CUFFS NO WAIT ACTUALLY LOLJK HE’S COOL EVERYONE WALK AWAY. Well, that de-escalated quickly.

“I know you’ve been melancholy, I’ve no idea why…” Maybe, Mr. Fancy Rose’s man it’s because you suuuuck. Oh, but you have a giant diamond, so it’s all good.

“There’s nothing I couldn’t give you, there’s nothing I’d deny you if you would not deny me. Oh open your heart to me Rose!” This engagement is going super well.

I’m glad Leo got to cross “spit off the Titanic” off his bucket list.

And now our Fast and the Furious prequel is a Great Gatsby prequel? Hollywood is so complicated.

“You can almost pass for a gentleman.” I can’t wait for this dude to drown soon.

Leo, I’m not sure if you know this, but hitting on women at the gym is a dicey proposition. Oh and calling her a “spoiled brat” was probably not the best strategy.

“It’s not up to you to save me, Jack.”
“You’re right, only you can do that.”
Hmmmmm…

So where is Captain Controlling AKA Rose’s dude? He’s all worried about his girl and being demanding she follow his every command and yet she keeps ending up chillin by herself out on deck with Leo?

The Admiral has a new shirt. He may also have a warrant out for being a serial killer.

Ruh roh. Vin Diesel is going to be maaaaaaad.

“I’d rather be his whore than your wife” #ROSEMICDROP

The crew on this ship is all about enforcing the damn rules. The Irish don’t take kindly to that kind of blind allegiance to authority, especially in a crisis.

“It’s starting to fall apart, we don’t have much time.” Dawg, the Ti-EFFING-tanic has been sinking for half and hour. We’ve been in a dire situation for a while now.

“I’ll be fine, alright. I’m a survivor.” Was Leo the inspiration for Destiny’s Child?

“I always win, Jack.” Did this movie inspire EVERY SONG?!

There’s almost an hour still left in this thing? Yoooo Jimmy Cameron let’s wrap it up!

Houston, we have a problem. Are these blokes concerned about their impending deaths or truly awed at the bad things gravity is doing to all the people in this movie? Come on, gravity, like they don’t have enough challenges?

“I promise you, Jack, I will never let go.” Um, I’m pretty sure in the present day portion of this movie Rose is not hanging onto any dudes, so this statement seems like a lie. How are we supposed to believe any of her story?!

After three hours, eight minutes and 25 seconds I have reached the most shocking portion of this entire film: finally hearing Celine’s voice for the first time. Thank you to everyone I’ve talked to since 1997 for not spoiling this for me.

October 23, 2015 movies