It’s late 2015 and as of this moment I’ve never seen the movie Titanic.  There are a few reasons for this, mainly that I understand this film is more than three hours long.

I’m currently enjoying a period of free HBO courtesy of my friends at FIOS, and after seeing Titanic pop up I thought I would rectify the hole in my cultural knowledge and finally watch it.  Here we go.

Wait, why is some new fancy craft looking at a boat at the bottom of the sea?  THANKS FOR SPOILING THE ENDING ALREADY, JAMES CAMERON.

Okay, we found the lady who was on board.  She experienced this horrific sinking firsthand.  But let’s leave it to Admiral T-Shirt to explain the whole thing to her.  “The experience of it was somewhat different.”  I don’t think she’s a big fan of Admiral T-Shirt and his methods.

Ohhh, I get it, this is a Fast and the Furious prequel.  Fast and the Furious: Iceberg Drift?  Too soon?  Sorry.

Have a wonderful time, everyone!  We’ll just remain behind this high-security picket fence!

The montage of people boarding showed several bringing dogs with them.  Naturally, I asked Google how many dogs were on Titanic, and you betcha Google is all over that:

I was 14 years old when this movie came out and heard numerous stories of girls my age who went to see it like every moment of their free time.  I think that was because of Leo.  And here we are 23 minutes in before he makes his first appearance?  What was that theater atmosphere like in minutes 1-22?

Leo is running to the ship declaring himself and his Italian buddy the “luckiest sons of bitches in the world.”  Sir, I do not think this will turn out to be historically accurate, but I wish you the very best.

Good news though: THE CAPTAIN MADE PIZZA ROLLS!!!!

So the cavalry comes to “save” Rose from Leo who is CLEARLY THE WORST EVER PUT HIM IN CUFFS NO WAIT ACTUALLY LOLJK HE’S COOL EVERYONE WALK AWAY.  Well, that de-escalated quickly.

“I know you’ve been melancholy, I’ve no idea why…”  Maybe, Mr. Fancy Rose’s man it’s because you suuuuck.  Oh, but you have a giant diamond, so it’s all good.

“There’s nothing I couldn’t give you, there’s nothing I’d deny you if you would not deny me.  Oh open your heart to me Rose!”  This engagement is going super well.

I’m glad Leo got to cross “spit off the Titanic” off his bucket list.

And now our Fast and the Furious prequel is a Great Gatsby prequel?  Hollywood is so complicated.

“You can almost pass for a gentleman.”  I can’t wait for this dude to drown soon.

Leo, I’m not sure if you know this, but hitting on women at the gym is a dicey proposition.  Oh and calling her a “spoiled brat” was probably not the best strategy.

“It’s not up to you to save me, Jack.”
“You’re right, only you can do that.”
Hmmmmm…

So where is Captain Controlling AKA Rose’s dude?  He’s all worried about his girl and being demanding she follow his every command and yet she keeps ending up chillin by herself out on deck with Leo?

The Admiral has a new shirt.  He may also have a warrant out for being a serial killer.

Ruh roh.  Vin Diesel is going to be maaaaaaad.

“I’d rather be his whore than your wife” #ROSEMICDROP

The crew on this ship is all about enforcing the damn rules.  The Irish don’t take kindly to that kind of blind allegiance to authority, especially in a crisis.

“It’s starting to fall apart, we don’t have much time.”  Dawg, the Ti-EFFING-tanic has been sinking for half and hour.  We’ve been in a dire situation for a while now.

“I’ll be fine, alright.  I’m a survivor.”  Was Leo the inspiration for Destiny’s Child?

“I always win, Jack.”  Did this movie inspire EVERY SONG?!

There’s almost an hour still left in this thing?  Yoooo Jimmy Cameron let’s wrap it up!

Houston, we have a problem.  Are these blokes concerned about their impending deaths or truly awed at the bad things gravity is doing to all the people in this movie?  Come on, gravity, like they don’t have enough challenges?

“I promise you, Jack, I will never let go.”  Um, I’m pretty sure in the present day portion of this movie Rose is not hanging onto any dudes, so this statement seems like a lie.  How are we supposed to believe any of her story?!

After three hours, eight minutes and 25 seconds I have reached the most shocking portion of this entire film: finally hearing Celine’s voice for the first time.  Thank you to everyone I’ve talked to since 1997 for not spoiling this for me.

Last year, I took a closer look at the holiday classic “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.”  For this Christmas, I want to delve into “Home Alone,” more specifically, why Uncle Frank is the worst and the reason behind everything bad that happens.

It’s easy to blame Kevin.  He’s practically the youngest around, the other kids describe him as essentially helpless, he’s at the center of the major conflict in the beginning of the movie and ends up telling his own mother he wished she would vanish from the Earth.

So not a strong start for Lil’ Kev.  But lurking nearby without any repercussions for his actions is Uncle Frank.  He’s the one who sets everything in motion.

The first thing he does is start the process of beating Kevin down by not letting him watch the movie with everyone else.  As Kevin says, he’s “just being a jerk.”  We’re talking about a guy who will grab all your pizzas and say someone else will cover the bill.

Uncle Frank has a son named Fuller, which is a dumb enough name that I’m sure Frank picked it.  Fuller has a known bed-wetting problem after ingesting liquids.  So what does he have with the pizza?  A Pepsi.  Who likely told him he could have it?  Perhaps a nearby parent?  The one sitting right next to him?  Looking at you, Frank.

Oh and what’s on the other side of Uncle Frank?  That’s right, a 2-liter bottle of Pepsi, which we see just as Kevin’s mom walks past and says she hopes everyone is drinking milk.  Way to go, Frank.

Back to Kevin.  He’s being further persecuted by brother Buzz, who informs Kevin that the family has collectively eaten the only kind of pizza Kevin likes.  It’s been like four minutes.  The pizza guy is still lurking at the front door waiting for someone to give him some cash.  Kevin makes a run at Buzz, and milk goes all over the plane tickets because NOBODY DRANK THE MILK.

Oh Fuller’s getting up to get involved now?  I wonder where he learned to stick his nose in things that aren’t his business (see Frank, Uncle).  Also note that Kevin’s dad is now spilling the bottle of Pepsi that shouldn’t have been open in the first place.  Thank you, Frank.

Uh oh.  Kevin, you are not going to Paris.

Uncle Frank jumps in to lead the pitchfork mob against Kevin.  He’s extra salty because some of the spilled Pepsi got on his pants: “Look what you little jerk!”  Maybe next time don’t open the Pepsi, Frank, and you won’t have to cast blame on others.

Frank’s method is effective though.  Now everyone’s mad at Kevin.

At this point, how should the kid feel?  I mean, if every single person is going to look at you with daggers and call you names, wouldn’t you wish they would all disappear?   Kevin suggests they all go suck a lemon, while his mom agrees to make leakypants Fuller sleep somewhere else.

In case you’re not fully convinced that Uncle Frank is a bad dude, he’s the kind of guy who steals salt and pepper shakers off an American Airlines flight as Kevin wakes up HOME ALONE in an attic.

Kevin’s mom realizes during the flight that he is not with them.  She laments, “What kind of mother am I?”  Uncle Frank responds with his brand of charm, saying if it makes her feel any better, he left his glasses at home.  NOT THE SAME, FRANK.

Frank’s brother and wife have clearly had too many years of this crap.  They know his game.  Their many wishes for him to disappear have gone unfulfilled.

Back at home, Kevin is exhausted from a fitful night’s rest up in the attic following the trauma of the previous evening.  He falls asleep in a recliner, and is lucky he wakes up when trouble arrives.

The kid could have been killed the first night during the events that Uncle Frank caused, but somehow rallies to ward off the danger.  And no, he wasn’t snoozing in that chair because it was super late.  After Kevin chases off the robbers the first time, he hides under his parents’ bed.  Their clock shows it’s not even 8 p.m.

(WebMD suggests 8-year-old Kevin could have a bedtime as early as 7:30, but he was almost surely asleep before this, and given the range listed 8-8:30 is probably a more normal bedtime for him.)

Back in France, the family is now frantic to try to reacquire Kevin.  His mom runs to a phone, kicks off a French woman and hangs up on the kind lady’s call.

Who knows who was on the other end of that phone.  The French woman’s mother?  Boyfriend?  Therapist?  The French FBI?  Santa?  Who knows what they were discussing.  How to cook a turkey?  How to cook a turkey?  How to cook a turkey?  How to stop a terrorist from cooking a turkey?  Could Santa please bring a turkey?

Uncle Frank is a menace who unleashes crises on multiple continents.  He must be held accountable for his actions, not Kevin.

We also need to talk about two other quick things, starting with Kevin’s mom in that last shot.  She’s asking her sister-in-law to call everyone in her address book.  That would be the address book she brought with her on vacation to Paris.  I understand it’s not 2014 and she doesn’t have all her contacts in her iPhone.  But barring this completely freak disaster, why would she ever need even one of those numbers?  As the guy’s face behind her says it all: unplug, lady.

And finally, back in the beginning of the movie, why does the cop-acting robber open the door when the pizza guy rings?

If he’s a real cop, he’s not opening the door to an unknown person and then turning his back.  If he’s a robber, why add another set of eyes that could later place him in the house that he plans to rob?

Criminals are dumb.  And Uncle Frank still sucks.

Re-watching an old movie gives your eyes the opportunity to spot something new.  During the 7,904th viewing you don’t need to hyper focus on the big plot points.  You got all the important stuff the first 7,903 times.

I’ve written before about revelations I had about “Snatch” and “Mr. Deeds.”  This time I want to dive into a moment in “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.”

Clark Griswold, played by Chevy Chase, is trying to adorn his house with a few Christmas lights.  And by that I mean 25,000 Christmas lights.  For part of this extensive operation, he enlists the help of his son Rusty (Johnny Galecki).  Clark gives Rusty the key task of untangling a string of lights.  Rusty is less than pleased:

Like, really not pleased:

The first many times I saw this movie, I interpreted Rusty’s reaction as that of a kid who is being unfairly forced to do something solely because a parent is making him do it.  Clark has a lot of work to do with the staple gun, so he’s exercising his authority and making the kid do the thankless job.

But no more.  Tonight I saw this exchange in a different way.  Rusty is reaping what he sowed.

Flash back to the year before the movie takes place.  It’s the beginning of February and Ellen (Beverly D’Angelo), Clark’s wife/Rusty’s mom is making her daily gripe about being the only house on the street that still has Christmas lights up.  She says it’s embarrassing, and Clark finally decides to follow through on his pledge to take them down.  He goes upstairs to find Rusty playing the Paperboy Nintendo game he got for Christmas and demands the kid help out.

Rusty gives Clark an attitude, scoffing and dragging his feet as he reluctantly pauses the game and follows his dad outside.

“Fiiiiiine,” he says.

Clark remarks about the crisp, cool air and bright sunshine while Rusty can only think about hurling virtual newspapers and how lame it is he has to be out there.  Clark then climbs up the ladder and starts detaching light strings from the house, feeding them down to the ground to be neatly put away for the following year.

Rusty is in such a sour mood he will do whatever he can to just get the job done and get back to his game.  The fastest way is not to nicely coil up each string, but rather to grab the heap of wires and bulbs and stuff them straight in the box.  The result?  A huge mess of tangled lights.  When that same box comes out again a year later, the lights have not magically untangled themselves and Rusty has nobody but himself to blame.

Moral of the story: a little effort now will save you lots of effort later.  And Paperboy is super fun.