It’s late 2015 and as of this moment I’ve never seen the movie Titanic. There are a few reasons for this, mainly that I understand this film is more than three hours long.
I’m currently enjoying a period of free HBO courtesy of my friends at FIOS, and after seeing Titanic pop up I thought I would rectify the hole in my cultural knowledge and finally watch it. Here we go.
Wait, why is some new fancy craft looking at a boat at the bottom of the sea? THANKS FOR SPOILING THE ENDING ALREADY, JAMES CAMERON.
Okay, we found the lady who was on board. She experienced this horrific sinking firsthand. But let’s leave it to Admiral T-Shirt to explain the whole thing to her. “The experience of it was somewhat different.” I don’t think she’s a big fan of Admiral T-Shirt and his methods.
Ohhh, I get it, this is a Fast and the Furious prequel. Fast and the Furious: Iceberg Drift? Too soon? Sorry.
Have a wonderful time, everyone! We’ll just remain behind this high-security picket fence!
The montage of people boarding showed several bringing dogs with them. Naturally, I asked Google how many dogs were on Titanic, and you betcha Google is all over that:
I was 14 years old when this movie came out and heard numerous stories of girls my age who went to see it like every moment of their free time. I think that was because of Leo. And here we are 23 minutes in before he makes his first appearance? What was that theater atmosphere like in minutes 1-22?
Leo is running to the ship declaring himself and his Italian buddy the “luckiest sons of bitches in the world.” Sir, I do not think this will turn out to be historically accurate, but I wish you the very best.
Good news though: THE CAPTAIN MADE PIZZA ROLLS!!!!
So the cavalry comes to “save” Rose from Leo who is CLEARLY THE WORST EVER PUT HIM IN CUFFS NO WAIT ACTUALLY LOLJK HE’S COOL EVERYONE WALK AWAY. Well, that de-escalated quickly.
“I know you’ve been melancholy, I’ve no idea why…” Maybe, Mr. Fancy Rose’s man it’s because you suuuuck. Oh, but you have a giant diamond, so it’s all good.
“There’s nothing I couldn’t give you, there’s nothing I’d deny you if you would not deny me. Oh open your heart to me Rose!” This engagement is going super well.
I’m glad Leo got to cross “spit off the Titanic” off his bucket list.
And now our Fast and the Furious prequel is a Great Gatsby prequel? Hollywood is so complicated.
“You can almost pass for a gentleman.” I can’t wait for this dude to drown soon.
Leo, I’m not sure if you know this, but hitting on women at the gym is a dicey proposition. Oh and calling her a “spoiled brat” was probably not the best strategy.
“It’s not up to you to save me, Jack.”
“You’re right, only you can do that.”
Hmmmmm…
So where is Captain Controlling AKA Rose’s dude? He’s all worried about his girl and being demanding she follow his every command and yet she keeps ending up chillin by herself out on deck with Leo?
The Admiral has a new shirt. He may also have a warrant out for being a serial killer.
Ruh roh. Vin Diesel is going to be maaaaaaad.
“I’d rather be his whore than your wife” #ROSEMICDROP
The crew on this ship is all about enforcing the damn rules. The Irish don’t take kindly to that kind of blind allegiance to authority, especially in a crisis.
“It’s starting to fall apart, we don’t have much time.” Dawg, the Ti-EFFING-tanic has been sinking for half and hour. We’ve been in a dire situation for a while now.
“I’ll be fine, alright. I’m a survivor.” Was Leo the inspiration for Destiny’s Child?
“I always win, Jack.” Did this movie inspire EVERY SONG?!
There’s almost an hour still left in this thing? Yoooo Jimmy Cameron let’s wrap it up!
Houston, we have a problem. Are these blokes concerned about their impending deaths or truly awed at the bad things gravity is doing to all the people in this movie? Come on, gravity, like they don’t have enough challenges?
“I promise you, Jack, I will never let go.” Um, I’m pretty sure in the present day portion of this movie Rose is not hanging onto any dudes, so this statement seems like a lie. How are we supposed to believe any of her story?!
After three hours, eight minutes and 25 seconds I have reached the most shocking portion of this entire film: finally hearing Celine’s voice for the first time. Thank you to everyone I’ve talked to since 1997 for not spoiling this for me.