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  • 06 Aug

    Summer Glovin

    What started as a one day, maybe purchase turned into a serious mission when rain put a Nats game into a delay and I went to the team’s website to look up something.

    The main picture featured pitcher Max Scherzer and his beautiful glove (this is not that exact photo, but I assume the same glove):

    With a vague idea that I wanted to look into getting a new glove, I next visited the Rawlings site.  The first thing I saw there was the ability to create a custom glove, so naturally I had to see what that was like:

    You get to pick the color of every piece of leather, a dozen different webbing designs, optional finger holes and hoods, custom text or even country and state flags.  This is not even close to the ugliest glove you can make with all those choices.

    The real one I built was far simpler, with a two-tone color pattern.  Like the bat I got in January, I went with my “brand” but skipped the flag this time.  Three weeks later, this beauty showed up at my door:



    This is by far the most comfortable glove I’ve ever owned and I’m pretty sure it is impossible to make any errors with it.  The smell should also be a cologne. There’s also the bonus that after playing catch for a while, the baseball starts to get a nice red hue.  So many things for the Rawlings marketing department to work with.

    By cjhannas baseball Uncategorized
  • 23 Jul

    Roo The Day

    Last night I returned to the scene of one of my greatest triumphs, where summoning the very essence of grit and determination buried deep in my soul left me on a mountaintop of glory.

    And by that I mean a putt putt golf course in Ocean City, where nearly a year ago I overcame a six-stroke deficit after three rounds and defeated my friend Mike by a predicted three strokes.  Last night went a little differently, but before we could play, we had to actually make our way to the course.
    The early going was not very positive for what I believe must have been a mustard bug:

    Then we needed some fuel, and while we did make the obvious stop for gas, we also found our way here, to a burger place that proudly proclaims it’s been “Horrifying Vegans Since 2013.”

    It’s the kind of place where you pick everything aspect of your burger, and since I’d never tried kangaroo before, that happened.  I can report it was mighty delicious.

    Finally, with my newfound roo strength, it was time to tackle Down Under Golf, the Australia-themed course that Mike and I have frequented since roughly 1959.  But things quickly got awkward:

    Oh, hey guys.  I totally had a regular cheeseburger earlier.  I’m sure your cousin is just out for a hop somewhere.  
    Phew.  I think I made it through that okay.  Now we can move on with…oh no…

    Did I say awkward?  Because I meant REALLY AWKWARD.  I believe this dude’s name is Rootini, but there were about 17,000 people there getting their picture taken so it was hard to be too sure of what was happening.
    As for the golf, Mike and I took advantage of the pay once, play all you want policy and played three rounds.  After the first, we were tied.  I sprung to an early lead in the second round, but my spiffy red ball betrayed me on the 8th hole, when I disastrously mishit the first shot…and then the second…and walked to the 9th tee down by three strokes.  
    That’s how the round ended, and needing an epic comeback in the final 18 holes, I went with last year’s strategy and selected a black ball to lead me to glory.
    Methodically, with the heart of a champion sending blood pulsing through my veins, I whittled Mike’s lead down to one by the time we made it to the 14th hole.

    This is one of the wackiest and most fun layouts on the whole course, one of those holes where you get your ball in motion and hang on for the ride as it swings back and forth, up and over hills and barrels its way down near the hole.  
    Typically I shoot mine to the left (right in this pic), but in an inspired move, I hit it to the right in our second round and notched a hole in one.  What good did that do me?  Oh yeah, Mike took the exact same line and got not only his own hole in one in the second round, but also one in the third as well.  When I missed, that began to spell the end of my comeback attempt.
    Then he got a hole in one on the next hole too, and it was over.  My dreams shot.  Spirit broken.  Resolve crushed.  Roo power neutralized.
    The rematch shall be epic.

    Maybe next time I’ll try koala power. 

    By cjhannas Uncategorized
  • 17 Jul

    Is It Weird That You’re Weird?

    About seven months have gone by since I detailed a few of the strangest dates I’ve ever had, and while there has only been one new date since that time, it became an instant classic worthy of contending for my worst date of all time.

    This happened a few months ago, but I was reminded of it the other day while listening to a rerun episode of “This American Life.”  The first act, which runs about 8 minutes, talks about things that other people point out about ourselves that we have a hard time shaking.

    I’ll let host Nancy Updike pick up around the 3-minute mark:

    “These are not statements that a human being forgets. The moment you hear the observation it becomes part of how you see yourself, seemingly forever. Even something tiny, if it hits you right, can turn into this chirpy little voicemail that your brain is never able to erase.  And it doesn’t have to be about looks; it can be a comment on how you run or laugh or drive, how much money you make, what books you’ve read or haven’t read, any outside assessment of you that you never saw coming and couldn’t shake once it was uttered.”

    Which brings us back to my date in May.  It was our first time meeting in person after messaging back and forth for a few days.  Her reaction was like many people I meet comment immediately about my height, but while most people are like, “Hey you’re tall!” her wording was, “Do you ever get self-conscious about being so tall?”

    Well, um, not usually.  After we sat down and ordered drinks she went back to the tall well, looking oddly at my hands and then asking if, because I was so [freakishly] tall, they were abnormally big.  I don’t think so?

    Our charming conversation continued with more normal first-date questions like where we were from, college and what we’re doing at work.  Then she asked when my last relationship was, and I gave an answer that I didn’t think was the worst in the world but drew a swift, “Well that’s not a red flag or anything…”


    So menacing

    Cool.  We wrapped up dinner and took a stroll at the town center across the street.  It was a little chilly, and when my hands got cold I casually put them in my pockets for warmth.  That seemed like a pretty normal move to me since just about every human in the same situation has done the same, but silly me.

    “Really?  Pockets?  You look like a serial killer right now.”

    Oh.  I can report that in the two months since then I have thought about that comment 100 percent of the time when putting my hands in my pockets, which I now notice happens all the time.

    But don’t worry, I have a solution for this massive problem.  On my next date, I’ll just show up rocking these:

    That won’t be a red flag or anything.

    By cjhannas Uncategorized
  • 02 Jul

    Berry Good

    Once in a while, great things happen to us.

    So, we’ll see you tomorrow? #CapnCrunchDelights pic.twitter.com/7umLWZVl2Q

    — Taco Bell (@tacobell) July 1, 2015

    I was casually browsing Twitter and noticed my friends at Taco Bell reminding the world that the glorious-sounding Cap’n Crunch Delights were about to be released into the wild.  If you’re not familiar, these are an off-shoot of the Cinnabon Delights that are easily the best thing to emerge from the Taco Bell breakfast menu.

    Naturally, since Taco Bell is literally on my way home, I had to grab a couple of these guys (two for a dollar-ish):

    As a fan of Crunch Berries, I did not think there was any chance I wouldn’t love these.  We’re basically talking about a lighter donut hole with icing and Crunch Berries bits.

    All it took was one bite to confirm the amazingness at work here:

    These are truly phenomenal.  I don’t want to know how many I could eat in one sitting because the number is probably somewhere around 30 and that seems not great for my long-term goals on this planet.  But two of them?  Go for it.

    I will say, though, that they do taste more on the Trix end of the cereal spectrum, which is certainly not far from Crunch Berries, just a tiny bit different.  But whatever, I won’t begin to complain.

    By cjhannas Taco Bell Uncategorized
  • 27 Jun

    Profiling

    Online dating involves looking at a lot of profiles, and after a while certain commonalities make them all blend together.

    I can’t tell you the number of women who are looking for a partner in crime, work hard and play hard, and have an affinity for the phrase “live, laugh, love.”  So it’s especially refreshing when there’s a detail in a profile or conversation that comes out of left field.

    During the past few weeks I’ve tried to remember to screenshot a few of these as I come across them.  Perhaps my favorite is the woman who bragged about her ability to excel at breakfast time:

    Sometimes it’s best to get the important questions out of the way to test compatibility before you invest too much time.  First part, great, second part, oh boy:

    The “You Should message me if” section is one where a lot of the cliches live, so imagine my joy when I came across this final sentence:

    Oh and this one:

    If you are not aware, ReBoot was an awesome show that graced our lives when I was a kid.  Get educated.

    Back to contemporary computer life.  Profile pictures commonly include some sort of hiking shot or, in a shocking number of cases, skydiving.  Emus are not common:

    At work I have to write all units of measurement in metric, so when a Canadian messaged me, it was only natural that I described my distance from DC in terms of kilometers.  Very nice to have my efforts appreciated!

    Also, the Canadian knows about ReBoot, so bonus points.

    Finally, the deal-breaker of all deal-breakers:

    You should know better than to talk about Natalie like that.

    By cjhannas internet Uncategorized
  • 26 Jun

    Mini Simpsons Multiplying

    The awesome folks at LEGO upped their Simpsons game this year with a new Kwik-E-Mart set and another batch of 16 mini figures.

    Having spent a ton of money on the Simpsons house and 16 characters last year, I couldn’t bring myself to justify getting the Kwik-E-Mart set too, and instead “compromised” down to just getting the new group of characters.

    A photo posted by Chris Hannas (@cjhannas) on

    You may recall that I made a fancy platform for the house and first set of characters to sit on, and with the addition of so many other residents of Springfield, it was time for an expansion.  So I made a matching platform on a shelf down below:

    Of course that also meant re-imagining the scenes playing out among all these folks.  Here’s the new top shelf:

    And the new bottom:

    Let’s zoom in on the lower level, where chaos seems to be the theme.  Grampa is riding Santa’s Little Helper into battle against Snowball II. SLH has no idea what is happening:

    Fallout Boy brought a Buzz Cola to a beaker fight with Professor Frink:

    Two Maggies really have no idea what’s going on:

    “Eat bat, Willie!”
    “In Scotland, we call this a bat!”

    Krusty with an impressive, but probably unwise barehanded block of a plutonium rod. I have a feeling Burns is about to get pied:

    I hope for Wiggum’s sake that Lisa recently cleaned out the spit valve:

    Bart is just trying to shred on that halfpipe, but Bartman and his slingshot aren’t about to let that happen:

    Sing it with me now: “They fight, the bite…”

    That was intense.  Now, let’s focus our attention on the much more relaxed upper level, where Milhouse and Martin are discussing important issues of the day:

    Meanwhile, Homer is professing his love for Marge (probably after doing something dumb) and Patty and Selma seem less than impressed:

    Ralph Choo-Choo-Chooses Lisa.  She does not Choo-Choo-Choose him back:

    Ned mans the grill and mentions to Edna how their names are almost the same:

    While the boys check out Homer’s car, Dr. Hibbert commits what must surely be a HIPAA violation and shares Homer’s x-ray with the group.  Homer can’t believe it:

    And then there’s Hans Moleman.

    Poor Moleman.

    By cjhannas Simpsons Uncategorized
  • 26 Jun

    Sleep With The Lights On

    I would not sleep a wink in Gillian Flynn’s house.

    That was already the case after reading “Gone Girl” last year, but was further solidified with “Dark Places.”

    The story of Libby Day, a survivor of the night in which her mother and two sisters were killed, contains the same unsettling vibes, befuddling revelations and general creepiness at times as “Gone Girl” (though not enough to make it a better book).

    Flynn acknowledges in her note at the end of the book that perhaps what goes through her head is not quite the normal inner monologue.  She thanks her husband, saying, “What do I say to a man who knows how I think and still sleeps next to me with the lights off?”

    Has anyone checked on the husband in a while?  Are we sure he’s okay?

    As for the story, the normal experience with thrillers held true with this one with me flagging very little because I was so engrossed in what was happening.

    At one point, Libby describes going to first meet with Lyle, a super fan of her family’s murders who later brings her to a club where other murder super fans gather.

    “He stood up, pulled out one of the folding chairs, looked like he regretted the chivalry, and sat back down.  ‘Your hair’s blond.'”
    “‘Yup,’ I said.  I hate people who start conversations with facts — what are you supposed to do with that?”

    Does this happen to you?  I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve met someone who’s first words were, “You’re tall.”  I fight back the urge to act shocked and confused, as if they were revealing something I wasn’t actually aware of, but usually go with the Libby-like, “I know.”

    After working together on uncovering new details about the murders, for which her brother is in prison, Libby goes on a surprise trip to Oklahoma to visit her father.  Lyle tries to check in often while she’s gone, getting only her answering machine.

    “Lyle had left nine messages in the days I’d gone Oklahoma-incommunicado…”

    We need “Oklahoma-incommunicado” to become a mainstream saying.

    “Are you bringing your phone to dinner?”
    “Nah, gonna go Oklahoma-incommunicado.”

    “Why didn’t you tell me the game got delayed?”
    “Sorry, I was Oklahoma-incommunicado.”

    “My phone is about to die, ugh.”
    “Haaaate being Oklahoma-incommunicado.”

    “Be safe behind the wheel, go Oklahoma-incommunicado.”

    We can do this, people.

    By cjhannas books Uncategorized
  • 21 Jun

    Watch The Face

    Friday was nearly a very bad day for my face.  Twice.

    It began with an outing to Top Golf, which was perfectly safe for the portion where my friend Mike and I were swinging clubs at a high rate of speed.  But when we moved on to the putt putt portion of the day, things got a little more precarious.

    I’m not one to take the “easy” way on any form of golf course, believing instead that it’s more fun to sometimes try the crazy route.  So when I had a small lead and encountered a rock between me and the hole, I decided to attempt chipping over the obstacle.

    You may think that using a public putt putt course putter to do that is not ideal, and you would be right.  But this is America and we try things:

    I felt in the moment that the ball came pretty close to my face, but only after seeing the video did I realize how close:

    Later in the day I went to the Nats game.  Somewhere in the middle the folks who do the in-game entertainment spotted two empty seats just behind us and decided to use that area to stage a couple of fake Pirates fans for the mascot, Screech, to chase out.  My brother Pat suggested that since we would be in the foreground, he should fake punch me.  Naturally, this was a great idea.

    Unfortunately, the people who had tickets in those seats returned, and the fake Pirates fans moved about five rows up and across the aisle.  We were still in the background though, so he stood up, told me (in the blue shirt) to stand up, and went to throw his fake punch:

    Our photographer has profusely apologized for missing the key moment.  Apparently she thought it wasn’t recording, and hit the record button again…thus stopping it.  So you’ll just have to wonder if the punch landed.

    By cjhannas Uncategorized
  • 04 Jun

    HAGS

    Ever go back to your high school yearbook and see if the “Most Likely to Succeed” actually succeeded, or if the people with the “Best Hair” still, um, have hair?  No?  Good.  Because who cares.

    But what about the more personal things, like specific calls to action left by your friends?  Did you follow through on those?  Let’s see what I was supposed to do.

    Freshman year

    We are off to a bad start.  I can almost surely say I did not pay Jamie that dollar.  Though if I don’t remember what the bet was about, it goes away, right?

    Okay, here we go.  I remember doing this one!  My friend was in my gym class and this girl had gym at the same time with a different teacher.  I told my friend very soon after she wrote this.  No idea if anything happened from there.

    I’m sensing a theme here.  But we’re back in the category of things I most likely did not do.  To be fair though, girls in my grade were prettttty big fans of my brother and I got asked this exact thing all the time.

    Now there’s an instruction!  Let’s say I went two out of three here.  Shout out to Matchbox 20.

    I know you’re thinking this is a statement of fact and not an instruction.  That’s true.  But later on in the note she does mention my HUGE contribution all year long related to her daily requests to put in a good word with her crush, who happened to be a good friend of my older brother:

    Sophomore year

    This is probably my biggest success.  Not only did we make more videos, but they were hilarious.

    Oh boy.   This message later notes that the first thing this girl remembers me saying to her was, “Walk much?” after she tripped while walking past me on the bus.  It also, as you can see, requests that I make her a tape of me singing for her to take as she moved away.  That came from asking me once on a bus ride if I sang, to which I replied that I only did to myself while in a baseball outfield.  I did not make a tape…

    If you know Spanish, you can safely guess this is another thing I did not do.

    Junior year 


    If you talk about 7-Eleven and Taco Bell enough, people on the bus will eventually join in the fun, and everyone is happy.  Wait.  Except…

    Oh no.  I didn’t get to everyone.  WHEREVER YOU ARE LET’S GET SLURPEES.

    For several reasons, I cannot fully publicly explain why this one made me laugh so much, but obviously you can appreciate some of its ridiculousness.  Here is one case where I can proudly say I did not do this thing!

    Well…after getting cut the first three years, that next year I did not try out for the baseball team again, so another failure.  I did sell a lot of shoes though.

    Senior year 

    Thank you!  You’re very kind.  Would anyone care to guess what happened here?  Anyone?  That’s right, a thing I am pretty sure I did not do.  This is going very poorly.  Maybe we need a quick breather before pushing to the finish.

    I’m absolutely calling this a success.  I kept a fleece jacket in my locker specifically to take to that class in case nap time presented itself (after all my work was done, mom).  This girl sat behind me so she’s definitely a trustworthy witness.

    Oh boy, we’ve reached the biggest failure yet.  I’M TRYING.  Wait, does my fake Russian girlfriend count?  No?  Fine.  Anything else?

    I do own a Carrie Underwood album, so that’s a victory!  Great job ending on a winning note, Chris.  HAGS.

  • 04 Jun

    Diablo Bell

    When it comes to Taco Bell, I’m pretty simple.  My meal always includes either a Mexican pizza or a cheesy gordita crunch (or both) and a minimum amount of extra sauce.

    But when it comes to the sauce, I’m a wuss.  You will not see me employing the fire sauce.  On rare occassions, I will rock some hot sauce on the Mexican pizza instead of mild and verde:

     But Taco Bell is not deterred by my lack of interest in climbing the Scoville scale.  Today I noticed a new bin of sauce packets, making the progression now go Mild->Hot->Fire->DIABLO:

    No. Thank you.  My most frequent TB companion is a hot sauce fan, though, and after I sent him the above picture, he seemed into it:

    Okay, I admit there is no official “Man vs Food” style challenge at work here, and eating that many packets will likely not do much to increase your longevity.  But you also never know until you try, so give it a shot and let me know your results!

    And if you’re wondering why I have this friend labeled as “Mklovin,” I do have a logical explanation.  Back in the older cell phone days, texting/calling individuals from my contact list in a quick manner first required searching for their name.  Unfortunately I had frequently contacted people named both Mike and Mika, so typing M-I-K took forever and did not get me Mike.  So he became Mklovin, speeding up my phone life by an entire character.

    By cjhannas Taco Bell Uncategorized
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