I was kicking around possibilities for today’s post and wasn’t sure if I should go in a certain direction, but then the people spoke:
@cjhannas YESSSSSS.
— Brooke Shelby (@txtingmrdarcy) January 24, 2015
The sad thing is I had to think about which one would earn that title. There are two strong contenders that both involve dogs, so I’ll roll them together. But first, let me get a drink.
The night started innocently enough, driving to a pizza place five minutes from my house. It was a few days before Christmas, and getting to know someone new over an easy meal sounded nice. I got there first, and spotting a nearly empty restaurant, waited just outside for her to arrive.
She seemed normal enough. There wasn’t anything at first that made me question the week or so we had talked before meeting up or whether I should grab a slice of pizza and make a run for it.
But in talking about normal first-date things, we discovered that we each had a niece and nephew about the same age. Except when I talked about mine, I used words like “she” and “he” while my date repeatedly used only the word “it.” “When it was born…” “I was babysitting it one time…” “It just had a birthday…”
The first few times I ignored her phrasing, but when she said it over and over I had to ask what the deal was. Her answer? “Babies don’t have personalities, so I don’t recognize them until they turn 5.”
Oh. She went on to tell me how that fifth birthday was the milestone at which she not only gave the kid a proper pronoun, but also put in effort to talk to them.
I know what you’re thinking: this is a strange date. But the title of strangest date would require more. Buckle up, compadre.
Later we got to talking about pets, at which time she informed me she was the proud owner of both a cat and a dog. At some point, the dog required surgery and came home with a cone of shame. When he didn’t need it anymore, she kept the cone, tossing it in a closet until it was needed. For another surgery perhaps? Nope. Boredom.
“When I get really bored, sometimes I get the cone and put it on the cat to watch her freak out. It’s hilarious. She doesn’t know what to do, and ends up backing up until she hits a wall, then that scares the crap out of her and she tries to run and ends up crashing into more stuff.”
HILARIOUS.
Think about your strangest date. How long did it last? I would think most people would bail early on theirs. Mine went on for two and a half hours, mainly because I was so fascinated by this behavior that I kept asking her questions. It was amazing.
The close second place also lasted about that long, but involved a real, live dog.
It was another first date and happened in May of that year (I’m not a super genius, but I do back up my texts to a Gmail folder so I have this INCREDIBLY useful information). We discussed a few options for where to meet up, but she had a special request: could we go someplace with outdoor seating?
She had just adopted a dog a few days earlier and didn’t want to leave it home alone. I’m not good with dog breeds so I’ll just describe it as small, but not a yappy white one. We went simple, agreeing to meet at Starbucks at the town center right by where she lived.
It’s rare that I’m the talkative one in any conversation, but that was quickly apparent when she and the dog arrived. We grabbed our drinks and settled into a table outside next to two others occupied by couples.
Well, the dog didn’t exactly settle. He did a lot of wandering despite his owner’s quiet exhortations to “stay.” Fortunately the people around us found the dog’s curiosity endearing and not annoying. Eventually he sprawled out under a chair and we focused on conversation.
All I remember from the Starbucks portion is her telling me about how once a year(?) her rich aunt in New York brings in the whole family and rents out this super fancy hotel and there are limos involved, etc. It felt like she was selling me on her financial merit.
Eventually we decided to take a stroll, which I assumed would take a route around the outside of the town center. And we did start that way. From there though, we took a route that I tried many times to figure out on a map afterward, but to no avail. We walked down streets and across intersections, the dog out front the whole way.
At one point, we stood at a light at a rather large road. She pointed out an apartment building up the street (and up a big hill) mentioning its unique courtyard she liked. We had been walking for about an hour, and given that she told me she had walked to our date, I assumed this building was hers and we were about to walk her home and put and end to this bundle of awkwardness.
Hahahaha. I could not have been more wrong. We crossed the big road, went up the hill, into the courtyard…and kept going. We stopped only when the dog dove in random patches of mulch and rolled around as my date barely squeaked out another passionless “no, don’t do that.” At this point I both did not know where we were in relation to where I had parked nor how long we would be wandering the the streets.
But what I had figured out by then is that we weren’t going where my date was leading us, but rather where the dog was leading us. We were following a little dude who surely had no idea where I parked.
Another forty-five minutes of walking finally brought us back to our starting point. My date dropped a bowl on the ground and filled it with a bottle of water, giving our tour guide a much needed drink. We sat for about ten minutes doing some people watching as the dog rested. I was ready to go. She, however, was not, and suggested we stop in somewhere for dinner.
After three hours or so I was beyond done, and told her something about having to be somewhere. My other distinct memory of this date is walking back to the parking garage and sitting in my car for 20 minutes trying to figure out what just happened.
And then laughing, because what else can you do?
