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  • 12 Mar

    It Would Be Really Strange If

    In my very quick search for documented evidence for my Leap Day post, I came across the portfolio for the creative writing class I took during my senior year of high school.

    Inside there’s a great mix of fiction and poetry, one of which I’ll share in a minute.  But on the outside of the folder is a great set of seven rules we apparently had for being successful in the class:

    1.  Keep your hand moving
    2.  Lose control
    3.  Be specific
    4.  Don’t think
    5.  Don’t worry about punctuation, spelling, grammar
    6.  You are free to write the worst junk in America
    7.  Go for the jugular

    I particularly like No. 6.  It’s such a great message for what writing should be — just do it, who cares if it stinks or people don’t like it?

    The piece I want to share looks like it sprang out of the prompt “It would be really strange if…”  I briefly thought about utilizing my rap skillz, but I think it’s best if I just give you the text.  You may rap if you please.  Also, it may help to know that Oakton is the name of my school.


    It would be strange if Oakton were run by goats,
    If they walked around school in ties and coats,
    Disciplining children and making them take notes,
    It would be strange if Oakton were run by goats.

    It would be strange if Oakton were run by chickens,
    If they taught the students and made them read Dickens,
    The brains between them would be slim pickens,
    It would be strange if Oakton were run by chickens.

    It would be strange if Oakton were run by dogs,
    If in P.E. they went with students on jogs,
    And spent the rest of the day fixing bathroom clogs,
    It would be strange if Oakton were run by dogs.

    It would be strange if Oakton were run by cats,
    If they did nothing but comb the school for rats,
    And for lunch they fed the students gym mats,
    It would be strange if Oakton were run by cats.

    It would be strange if Oakton were run by birds,
    If they taught with chirps instead of using words,
    And to lower class sizes they expelled all the nerds,
    It would be strange if Oakton were run by birds.

    It would be strange if Oakton were run by horses,
    If they said there were no such thing as magnetic forces,
    And accepted papers without requiring a list of sources,
    It would be strange if Oakton were run by horses.

    It would be strange if Oakton were run by gophers,
    If in the dress code they required students to wear loafers,
    And everyday for lunch they served microwave dishes from Stouffers,
    It would be strange if Oakton were run by gophers.

    It would be strange if Oakton were run by squirrels,
    If they ignored the boys and taught only the girls,
    And especially liked the ones who wore their hair in curls,
    It would be strange if Oakton were run by squirrels.

    It would be strange if Oakton were run by armadillos,
    If during class they let students sleep on pillows,
    Or held class outside underneath the willows,
    It would be strange if Oakton were run by armadillos.

    It would be strange if Oakton were run by fish,
    If they listened to the students and catered to their every wish,
    And they served themselves as a lunchtime dish,
    It would be strange if Oakton were run by fish.

    It would be strange if Oakton were run by bugs,
    If all they did was harass and bite the students like a bunch of New York thugs,
    And made it illegal for students to give each other hugs,
    It would be strange if Oakton were run by bugs.

    It would be strange if Oakton were run by bears,
    If they growled at students and chased them up the stairs,
    And forced them to travel everywhere in pairs,
    It would be strange if Oakton were run by bears.

    It would be strange if Oakton were run by moose,
    If they let the students roam the halls like chickens on the loose,
    And changed the school colors to orange and chartreuse,
    It would be strange if Oakton were run by moose.

    ###

  • 08 Mar

    You Think You Know

    I’m not one to typically jump into a post like this, but I feel like publishing something and my friend Brooke threatened to hurt me if I didn’t do it.  Okay maybe she didn’t.  But I do like thinking about these kinds of questions.  In all honesty I’m writing this portion last, and I can tell you I had to think for quite a while about some of the ones she asked.  Enjoy.

    The Rules:

    1. Post these rules.
    2. Post a photo of yourself and 11 random things.
    3. Answer the questions set for you in the original post.
    4. Create 11 new questions and tag people to answer them.
    5. Go to their blog/twitter and tell them that you’ve tagged them.
     Such promise in that face
    Eleven Random Things:
    1.  I have ancestors named Jebez and Wallerand.  I hope these names make a comeback.

    2.  If I won the lottery (enough to never have to work), I would own a putt-putt golf course near the beach and hang out there all day.

    3.  I’m really good at putt-putt golf.  And ping pong.

    4.  I missed exactly four days of high school — two days sophomore year, two senior year.  I don’t know why I know that.

    5.  The oldest email I have is from February 13, 2000.

    6.  The first time I ever went to Starbucks was in 2008, and I only went then because a kind coworker gave me a gift card.  Now I’m one of those guys who sits there on weekend mornings with my laptop.

    7.  I have a twin sister (counts as random since I’m often surprised by how many people are unaware).

    8.  Many people have issues with breaking $20 bills, but I hate having them.  I prefer a pocket full of fives.

    9.  I’m writing this while watching “Hugo.”  It’s the fourth of this year’s best picture nominations I’ve seen (Midnight in Paris, Moneyball, Tree of Life are the others).  Clearly capturing my full attention.

    10.  I don’t like bacon or seafood.  On a date once I shared this information, then had the audacity to respectfully decline a glass of water from a waiter.  My date responded with, “Oh, so you don’t like WATER either?!”  And not in a flirty way.  At all.

    11.  I named my first iPod “Tim.”  The one I have now is named “Milhouse.”

    Questions from Brooke:

    1. If you were a cocktail, what would you be?

    I feel like this question should have started with, “So, Bachelor #2…”  I’ll say an old-fashioned.

    2. What would you say is your ritual to relax and unwind?

    I am very much a creature of habit and follow the same basic routine.  I eat breakfast (remember I work nights) while clearing out all possible things from my email.  Then I watch a movie (like now) or an episode of a TV show as a block of time in which I can unplug and not think about anything else.

    3. Who was your favorite author when you were in high school?

    Can I say all of them?  It’s pretty obvious I enjoy reading, and I rarely dislike any books.  I don’t think I read enough of a particular author back then to have a favorite, but I definitely gravitated toward the Dickens/Hugo types.

    4. If you could give an award to a fictional character, who would it be and why?

    I would give a MacArthur genius grant to Ignatius Reilly, mainly to see what he would do with it.  Best.character.ever.

    5. What would you do in the supermarket if you thought nobody was watching?

    Place a random item in everyone’s cart — the SAME random item.  Imagine the checkout area as person after person shows up with a box of Cheez-Its they swear they don’t want.

    6. What is your dream vacation?

    A perpetual one.  With some sun, a beach and a book.  And a pizza.

    7. Is there one thing that you could have changed that would drastically have altered the course of your life? What was it, and if you could go back and change it, would you?

    My first “real” job after grad school.  Getting the gig as a proclamation writer for the state of Hawaii (of course I applied), or at ABC News in New York would have definitely altered the way things have turned out.  But no, I wouldn’t change it.  There are certain experiences I would not have had and would not trade for anything, and some very important people in my life I never would have met.

    8. If you could marry one historical figure, who would it be?

    I think this is pretty well established.

    9. I have admitted my obsession for all things Cadbury. What one food could you not live without?

    Believe it or not, I could live without Taco Bell.  Pasta is another story.

    10. What one thing would surprise me about you?

    I spent many many many many hours of my senior year of high school asleep — especially English class.  I feel like that’s a terrible answer to this question, but I’ve been thinking about it for far too long.  Besides, I think I’ve shared a ton about myself on this blog, and the things I haven’t written about remain more private for a reason.

    11. What is the soundtrack of your year so far?

    Latika’s Theme” by A.R. Rahman, off the Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack.  It’s a great take a deep breath and refocus kind of song, and since that entire album has very few English words to distract me, I’ve been wearing it out this year while I write.

    My Questions:

    1. If you had to make one kickass meal to impress someone, what would it be?
    2. If you had to pick, would you choose to spend 10 minutes on the moon or a year in Europe (all expenses paid) (a question totally stolen from Chuck Klosterman, but I enjoy people’s answers)?
    3. If you could hang out with any celebrity, who would it be and why?
    4. What one album would you pick if you could only listen to one for the rest of your life?
    5. If you won the lottery and didn’t have to work, what would you do?
    6. What is your biggest unfulfilled life goal?
    7. Is there one thing that you could have changed that would drastically have altered the course of your life? What was it, and if you could go back and change it, would you (I like this one)?
    8. If you all of a sudden had 1 million people following you on some form of social media, how would that make you feel?
    9. What is your stance on jorts?  Time for a comeback?
    10. What one thing would surprise me about you (I like this one too)?

    11. If you could trade places with any fictional character, who would it be and why?

    I’m going to specifically call out some people who have not posted on their blog in forever, like Stacey, Jason, Felecia, and Kyle.  Obviously it doesn’t matter if you do this.  Anyone else, like perhaps Ashley, or any non-bloggers feel free to take part in some form!

    By cjhannas Uncategorized
  • 05 Mar

    Hunger Games

    It’s been a while since I read a legit page-turner, but “The Hunger Games” certainly fits that description.

    It’s also a rare read in that I didn’t have the burden/luxury (depending on how you look at it) of picturing the main character in my head.  The movie version of the story comes out in a few weeks, so I’ve been aware for a while that actress Jennifer Lawrence plays the lead role, Katniss.

    I’ve only seen her in the 2010 film “Winter’s Bone” for which she was nominated for a Best Actress Oscar, but clearly know what she looks like.  The movie itself was also nominated for Best Picture, and was actually one of my favorites from the category.  (Netflix peeps — it’s available for instant streaming right now!  Go watch it!)  I’ll even go as far as the potentially blasphemous statement that I enjoyed it far more than “The King’s Speech.”

    In “The Hunger Games” you can almost see Lawrence’s character from “Winter’s Bone,” the same kind of hard-scrabble kid doing whatever is necessary to take care of her family.  They face enormous challenges growing up in tough areas and have a father who in one way or another disappears from their life.  What follows is a test few would ever expect to face, one that requires them to fight with everything they’ve got.

    It’s a character you root for.  You have to.  Sure, she can seem a bit cool and standoffish at times, but who goes through life peppy and outgoing at every moment?  As she prepares for the big challenge, she has a team of people helping her.  Her main adviser chides her for her attitude, but another she is more naturally open to says, “No one can help but admire [your] spirit.”

    “My spirit,” Katniss says.  “This is a new thought.  I’m not sure exactly what it means, but it suggests I’m a fighter.  In sort of a brave way.  It’s not as if I’m never friendly.  Okay, maybe I don’t go around loving everybody I meet, maybe my smiles are hard to come by, but I do care for some people.”

    The beautiful thing about this book is that it even subtly appeals for grammar nerds to get behind Katniss.  She’s from a poor district lorded over by a totalitarian government, which is seated in the “far-off city called the Capitol.” 

    Who doesn’t want to fight an atrocity like that?

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to plow through the remaining books in this series.

    By cjhannas books Uncategorized
  • 04 Mar

    In The Garden of Beasts

    There are pieces of history we know, ones for which the broad strokes are considered common knowledge.  But then there are the intricacies, the different angles and depths that give us a different view, or at least a different lens with which to view those events.

    Erik Larson’s “In the Garden of Beasts” is one of those stories.

    It’s an account of Hitler’s rise in Germany, focusing on the period of roughly 1933-37, told through the experience of William Dodd, the U.S. ambassador to Berlin.  Larson is the author “Devil in the White City,” which I described as an “info-dense” book.  This one is no different.

    Larson gives you a sense of what it’s like to walk the city’s streets at different points as Hitler’s regime takes hold of Germany.  He uses a boatload of primary documents to reveal the inner workings of the Western diplomatic corps, showing how a few people sounded alarms along the way, but no consensus for taking action against Hitler formed until it was much too late.  (You can listen here to Larson talk about the book with NPR’s Terry Gross.)

    It’s easy to judge the notes that in the moment said things aren’t as bad as people are making them out to be, but of course as readers now we have the incredible advantage of knowing what was to come.  It’s hard to fault to anyone for not foreseeing such atrocities.

    The U.S. consul general in Berlin, George Messersmith, was one of those putting up red flags.  Larson writes that Messersmith warned Hiter’s government “could not be viewed as a rational entity.”

    “There are so many pathological cases involved that it would be impossible to tell from day to day what will happen any more than the keeper of a madhouse is able to tell what his inmates will do in the next hour or during the next day.”

    Larson writes about U.S. Senator Millard Tydings, who proposed a resolution calling on President Roosevelt to express the “surprise” and “pain” of the American people upon hearing about the persecution of Jews in Germany.

    But we can’t whitewash our own history, either.  Larson presents a response to Tydings’ resolution, written by Assistant Secretary of State R. Walton Moore.  Moore points out the resolution could lead to Germany asking “why the negroes of this country do not fully enjoy the right of suffrage; why the lynching of negroes in Senator Tydings’ State [Maryland] and other States is not prevented or severely punished; and how the anti-Semitic feeling in the United States, which unfortunately seems to be growing, is not checked.”

    Reading this book, it’s hard not to draw parallels between the tactics of Hitler’s government and other oppressive regimes we have seen since.  Even now, as we have seen peoples in the Middle East and North Africa launch revolutions against people like Hosni Mubarak in Egypt, Moammar Gadhafi in Libya and Bashar al-Assad in Syria.  That’s not to say what they did was equal to the evils of Nazi Germany, but that doesn’t mean horrific acts haven’t taken place.

    What stands out is the rhetoric.  These governments make the same kinds of statements, blaming others for their problems and attempting to restrict the flow of information in order to maintain the illusions they spin.

    In his famous 1934 “Marburg speech,” Vice-Chancellor Franz von Papen was critical of the Nazi regime, but those in charge of stifling expression blocked it from being broadcast and banned his words from being printed in newspapers.

    Another striking attribute of these tactics is the arrogance with which they are carried out.  The leaders have no sense of their own fallacy.  In response to the Marburg speech, Hitler says, “all these little dwarfs who think they have something to say against our idea will be swept away by its collective strength.”
    After the “Night of Long Knives” in which hundreds were killed as Hitler consolidated his power, Herman Göring, a top Nazi official, said a “foreign power” was involved in plotting against the state.

    In the current situation in Syria, the government has often blamed foreign powers — along with “armed terrorists” — for stoking what is now a year-long opposition uprising.

    Larson writes that the purge in Germany “in time would be considered one of the most important episodes in [Hitler’s] ascent, the first act in the great tragedy of appeasement.  Initially, however, its significance was lost.  No government recalled its ambassador or filed a protest; the populace did not rise in revulsion.”

    It’s not easy to know what the right response is to these situations.  After all, these are sovereign nations, and we certainly wouldn’t be happy with the international community dictating our internal affairs.  But at some point, the world has to have a voice in speaking up against evil.

    Larson writes that in September 1936, about a year before his tenure in Berlin ended, Dodd wrote to Secretary of State Cordell Hull: “What mistakes and blunders since 1917, and especially during the past twelve months — and no democratic people do anything, economic or moral penalties, to halt the process!”

    All of this perspective is just a small sampling of the narrative Larson is able to weave together in this book.  There are other fascinating strands — most notably the life of Dodd’s daughter, Martha.  I could not recommend this book enough, even with the underlying horror it depicts.

    By cjhannas books Uncategorized
  • 03 Mar

    Capital Loss

    Things are not too happy in Caps land these days.  A talented team with very high aspirations has spent the season squandering opportunities, rekindling hopes with small winning streaks and responding with games that seem to completely lack any effort.

    Last night I attended a game they lost 5-0.  It was still a good time at Verizon Center, but not an inspiring thing to watch.

    This video pretty much sums up the entire game.  You can hear the P.A. announcer running through the details of a goal the visiting Devils just scored, followed by the standard “WHO CARES?!” response from the Caps fans.  At this point the game was only 2-0, so the sarcastic refrain was still welcome and funny.  Of course the chant had barely ceased by the time the Devils scored again:

    The guy sitting next to me heartily enjoyed the “WHO CARES?!” the first two times, but didn’t participate himself.  After the goal you just saw — which made it 3-0, no longer time to be taunting — he decided to jump in, even as the rest of the arena stayed mostly quiet.

    The good thing about going to Caps games is that overall experience is one of the best I’ve ever experienced.  When the professionals are playing so badly they get booed off the ice after the second period, and welcomed the same way when they return for the third, you can always count on the kids who play during intermission to give you some joy.

    I wonder how long it took to settle on the “Benny Hill” music as the standard background for this event?  I’m guessing about -12 seconds.

    By cjhannas hockey Uncategorized video
  • 29 Feb

    Leap, Leaplop, Leaplopanonymous

    Today is Leap Day, an extra 24 hours in our year in which anything is possible.  Of course, it’s a Wednesday, so that does put some limits on what you can do, but I still say dream big.

    Take this post.  By blogging on Leap Day, I’m doing something I’ve never done before and will not have the opportunity to do again for four years.  I went back in the archives and found a post from February 28, 2008, but not the following day.

    It turns out there’s a reason for that.  On February 29, 2008, I boarded Southwest Airlines Flight #192 from Jacksonville, Fla., to Baltimore.  How do I know this?  It’s in my day planner.  If you know me at all you’re probably not the least bit surprised that I still have it and found it in less than a minute.

    I was living in Jacksonville in 2008, producing the weekend morning news shows at a television station.

    On Leap Day 2004, I was a college junior who apparently spent that Sunday put the final touches on a story I wrote for the feature writing class I was taking that semester.  A few weeks later we printed it in the school paper.

    In 2000, I was a high school junior.  Records from this year exist, but nothing specific to this day.  I know I took a class that year that involved playing fantasy football.  Our school was also evacuated for a chemical spill.  Good times.

    In 1996, as your math could tell you, I was a 7th grader.  Exact information for Leap Day is scarce.  My locker was yellow.  I got detention for the first time for forgetting my history homework at home.  My assignment was to make a Puerto Rican flag.  These are the important nuggets I carry around in my brain.

    Leap Day fell on a Saturday in 1992, when I was in 3rd grade.  I have no idea what I was doing that day, but it’s at least conceivable that I hung out with current roommate MR.  That year we were in the same class and first became friends.  The working theory is the relationship was based upon his skill in drawing Bullwinkle and my ability to do the cartoon moose’s voice.

    In 1998, Leap Day was on a Monday, which didn’t matter to me so much back then because I was still a year away from hitting the harsh reality of Kindergarten.

    In 1984, things were even easier.  My day probably went something like this:

    “Wait, what’s that over there…is that a hand?  HOLY COW I HAVE A HAND.  Wait wait wait.  What’s that on the other side.  ANOTHER HAND?!?!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!  THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVARRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!”

    Happy Leaping.

    By cjhannas nostalgia Uncategorized
  • 28 Feb

    Going On Assignment

    If you’re into the news and want to learn a little more about what’s going on behind the scenes of some interesting stories, then I have a show for you.

    I’m not involved in any way, but my friend AV is one of the hosts taking you “On Assignment.”  She and a co-host talk to reporters, photojournalists and producers who makes these stories happen.

    Here’s the first episode, which starts with the story about Iraqi women in a country in transition along with the challenges journalists face in Iraq.  Then AV interviews a correspondent who did a series on the recovery in Haiti two years after a devastating earthquake.  She also talked to a Burmese reporter who recently returned to her country for the first time since 1995.  It closes with a great story about an Iranian woman in Canada who created an innovative product that has helped Muslim women participate in sports.

    Let me know what you think.  If you want to keep following the show, be sure to “like” their Facebook page or follow them on Twitter.

    By cjhannas Uncategorized
  • 17 Feb

    Hayes-y Feeling

    Spring training is almost here, and I just ordered an item that significantly raised my excitement level for the upcoming season.

    My Washington Nationals have a set of four presidential mascots (Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt) who each wear a jersey emblazoned with their first name and a number corresponding to their spot in office.

    But those are four pretty obvious picks if you’re going to honor an American president.  If you know me at all, it’s probably no surprise that for a few seasons I’ve thought about expanding that list.  Fortunately, Major League Baseball allows you to order custom jerseys and shirts with the name and number of your choice.

    So now this is on its way to me:

    That’s Rutherford B. Hayes, our 19th president.

    For a long time, I thought I would get James K. Polk, who has the distinction of being the subject of a They Might Be Giants song.  He also has a cool nickname – “Napoleon of the stump” – related to his oratory skills.

    One problem with Mr. Polk is that his president number is the same as Nationals star Ryan Zimmerman.  And while my hope is that fellow nerds will see and appreciate honoring an obscure president in this way, having “James K” on the back of the shirt seems a little obvious for that quest.  Plus he died of cholera, and that’s not any kind of message I want to send about myself.

    Rutherford, on the other hand, has it all.  His beard is amazing.  When he was first elected to Congress, he didn’t even campaign.  Mark Twain supported his White House run.  He named one of his kids Manning.

    Some people will think I’m a guy named Eric Rutherford who felt the need to get his own name on a Nats shirt.  Only the truly cool kids will understand.

  • 10 Feb

    Lame Lameness

    I did it.  I made it through an entire week without injuring myself.  This may seem like an odd milestone to celebrate, but given that last week I hurt myself while walking, I’ll take it.

    There’s nothing like getting a diagnosis, then reading more about it online and finding you are even lamer than you thought (pun intended).  My injury is a meniscus tear, which WebMD says “can occur when you lift something heavy or play sports.”

    Was I doing either of those things?  No.  I simply walked onto a Metro train, planted my right foot and turned left to walk up the aisle to a seat.   The result was a sharp pain in my knee that I expected to go away while I slept that day, but got progressively worse throughout the week, eventually making it difficult to walk at all.

    Fortunately it doesn’t appear to have been a major tear, so I should be back to things like running pretty soon.

    It’s also great to know I have the support and sympathy of my friends and family.  Roommate CA’s first question upon hearing the diagnosis was whether I would have some sort of brace or device he could make fun of this time.  He was referring to this, my friend for eight weeks during the great Stress Fracture Winter of 2009-10:

    Sadly, for him, there’s nothing of the sort with this injury.  Though I still have the boot in my closet somewhere in case of emergency.

    By cjhannas injury Uncategorized
  • 03 Feb

    Hair Today, Gone Monday

    Today I had the urge to get a haircut, but opted not to because the Giants are playing in the Super Bowl.

    To a non-sports fan (and perhaps to the more rational among us), that logic seems crazy.  After all, there’s nothing about the length of my hair that will in any way affect how my favorite team plays on Sunday.  But for those who won’t shift positions in their seat during crunch time of a game for fear of throwing off whatever is working for their team, the ones who cross their fingers and make wear ridiculous-looking rally caps, there’s something to it.

    I last got a haircut on December 13.  Five days later the Giants lost to the Redskins in a listless performance that represented a low point of their season.  It seemed unlikely they would make the playoffs.  They haven’t lost since, winning their final two regular season games and three straight in the playoffs.

    Analysts would probably credit things like having some of their injured defensive players return to the lineup, or the continued maturation of an inexperienced receiving corps.  But there’s no way I would forgive myself if I visited the fine folks at Hair Cuttery and then watched the Giants lose to the Patriots.

    The hair can wait until Monday.

    By cjhannas football Uncategorized
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