life plans

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  • 22 Nov

    And the Oscar I Do…

    It has been nearly a full week since the folks on the other side of the pond announced the engagement of Prince William and Kate Middleton, an event that clearly showed Kate stole my life plan.

    For those of you who haven’t been following along, marrying into royalty has been Plan A for both ensuring my early retirement and fulfilling the plans others may have for my future. It also means fancy manors, castles and pompous titles that sound just made-up enough to be real.

    You may point out that she has been dating William since 2003, and thus could not possibly have stolen my plan. But that just proves she has a time machine and can read my mind.

    And that’s fine. Getting engaged to royalty is so 2010.

    In 2011, it will be all about Oscar winners. Actually, since there are a limited number of those each year, let’s include nominees to widen the field a little bit.

    They need someone to accompany them to awards shows, premieres, dinner and “look how normal I am” events like sports games. I can do all of those.

    They need someone to tell them their movie is awesome, who doesn’t mind taking month-long vacations and can remember to feed the dog when they have an all-day shoot. I can do all of those.

    They need someone to talk them out of thinking things like, “hey, I’m a movie star, I can release a rap album,” “hey, I’m a movie star, I can park my car sideways on this sidewalk in front of a daycare center,” or “hey, I’m a movie star, these drugs look delicious.” I can do all of those.

    You may hear a lot more about William and Kate next year, but in the (mangled) words of the Black Eyed Peas, “I’m so 2011, they so 2000 & has been.”

    By cjhannas life plans Uncategorized
  • 20 Oct

    Catching Up

    I just noticed a woeful number of postings for this month, and I really don’t have an excuse for not writing.

    So to break the streak, I bring you what could be a useful collection of stories for those just finding the blog, those who started reading partway through the year or those who just want to relive some good times.

    On this 20th day of the 10th month, I bring you the 10 best posts of 2010 (skipping posts from October — those are new enough for you to find on your own):

    Oh Baby Baby
    Mom lets me know I face a deadline for producing a child. Also proof that including celebrities in your writing brings in readers (thanks, Natalie!)

    Dealies, Please
    A trip down good-eating lane with perhaps my favorite food product on Earth. The accompanying picture belongs in a museum.

    Lessons From a Little Girl
    Easily the most popular post of the year. I share a meal with a 7-year-old girl and learn more than I would have dreamed possible. This post is a bonus on the list that adds a small part to the story.

    Six Years Ago Today
    The anniversary of a special relationship. Also has pictures of bees. And a bonus link inside to a video of me solving a Rubik’s Cube.

    Tickling the (Plastic) Ivories
    Another half-baked talent that doesn’t do much for my day-to-day life — my piano skillz.

    My Regrets to the Duchess
    One hyphenated word: T-Shirt-Tank.

    Taking the Floris Elementary Stage
    My 4th grade class at Floris Elementary goes In Quest of Columbus.

    Seeing the Past
    I see an old co-worker while checking out at Target. Kind of a sad story, but I think one of the better-written posts of the year.

    So Long, Tai Shan
    Washington loses its baby panda, but you gain a look at the TV news report I did about Tai Shan while in grad school.

    Do You Like Hot Sauce?
    A simple question that was probably the most debated issue on the blog this year.

    Enjoy.

    By cjhannas baseball best of family food kids life plans Rubik's cube Susquehanna Taco Bell Uncategorized
  • 26 Sep

    Oh Baby Baby

    Baby Hannas is almost here — my brother’s child, not mine — and to say that my mom has been waiting for her arrival for a long time would be an understatement.

    Roughly six years ago my cousin had a son, and after going to one of his early birthday parties my mom told a carfull of my siblings something to the effect of, “I’m ready when you’re ready.”

    Since then my older brother got married, and more recently my sister did as well. (First I wrote “my older brother and sister got married,” but clearly that doesn’t sound right). The prevailing theory among the rest of us was that once a grandchild existed, mom would have someone to play with and dote upon and all pressure would be off.

    Well, it looks like that thesis is incorrect.

    I was over at my parents’ house the other day to help out with a few things. One task was to move some furniture in the ongoing process of getting the upstairs more baby-toting visitor-friendly. Later I was doing some stuff on her computer when the One Year Plan came up.

    It turns out the one grandchild plan was flawed from the start. Apparently relying on other members of the labor pool (pun not intended, but accepted) is not within the expectations of management. All are supposed to contribute to the system. Who knew?

    I asked what sort of timetable existed, and as the name of the plan suggests, my child was slated to arrive in a year. Given the laws of nature, the current state of the stock market, global warming and the like, that didn’t leave much time to get the plan in gear.

    I mean, that doesn’t give Natalie Portman a lot of notice to change her filming schedule to accommodate the plan. I was able to push the deadline back to two years, but I should probably let Natalie know pretty soon anyway.


    Natalie is a little skeptical about the plan

    I asked a few more questions to make sure the expectations were clear. There is no cap on grandkids — so if my sister were to announce tomorrow she was having twins, that would in no way affect my situation. The deadline is also important because the grandkids are supposed to have cousins who are near in age to play with. I argued that it would be good to have a range so that the older ones could be passing along wisdom. Suggestion rejected.

    You may recall from an earlier post, that my mom and I have a running joke that I am going to be married with two kids before she even knows I am in a relationship. So while the first kid may arrive in two years, it’s not like she would even know about it until much later.

    So, blog readers, we have some work to do.

    P.S. Hi Mom!

    By cjhannas kids life plans Uncategorized
  • 19 Jun

    My Regrets to the Duchess

    Today I high-fived a bird. If you did something cooler, let me know.

    Of course the bird receiving my hand slap was the mascot for the Washington Nationals and we were celebrating a successful rendition of “Take Me Out To The Ballgame.” The encounter also included some solid time on the Jumbotron.

    I would like to thank Nats center fielder Nyjer Morgan for providing great entertainment for those of us seated in his general vicinity. He tossed his warmup ball into the stands before each inning and gave one group of fans a hard time after they completely failed in their quest to catch it. He also reacted when people yelled out things like, “Hey Nyjer, you’re the man and you know it!” Most players–like Chicago’s Andruw Jones–stand there and pretend they don’t hear you.

    Here’s today’s hero:

    The game was tough for the Nats, who apparently have forgotten that they are allowed to hit the ball. White Sox pitcher Jake Peavy looked like his old self, allowing only a few hits and totally controlling the game. Here he is getting warmed up for his dominant outing:

    Perhaps the most productive part of the day though was the running conversation with my brother, who accompanied me to the game. We came up with extensive plans for running our own minor league team (when we get a few million dollars to burn, of course).

    The first order of business will be to construct a t-shirt launching device known as the T-Shirt-Tank. Forget hand-held t-shirt cannons that are now so common at sporting events. We want a vehicle you can tool around the ballpark with a cannon mounted to the top. Think of all that t-shirt flinging power!

    We also want to bring back the bullpen cart, and combining these ideas seems only logical. Our bullpen will be hidden from view, so that the first time you see who is coming in to pitch is when he emerges from the tank. While he warms up, the tank can go around the stadium performing its t-shirt duties.

    Our mascot race would take on a different form as well. Each race would begin with some sort of predator mascot in the back (a lion perhaps), with the three or so others being things the lion would eat. There are no predetermined outcomes in our race, just like in the wild.

    Arizona’s stadium has a pool just past the outfield wall. Milwaukee has a slide the mascot goes down after home runs. Our park will have a water slide for the mascot to use during games, and that fans can enjoy afterward. We will create two mascot suits, one of which will be engineered specifically for water use.

    Of course, we don’t have millions of dollars to acquire and run this team. So the key to this whole plan is actually a slight variation of our recently created life plan.

    Our cousin just got married to a doctor, and our brother is married to a Ph.D. Naturally, we feel the bar is set pretty high and had decided we needed to be prowling for a duchess or maybe a Grammy winner.

    Now it is all so clear. What we really need to find is the daughter or granddaughter of a baseball team owner who is in line to own the team.

    I wonder if it is appropriate to talk about the T-Shirt-Tank on a first date.

    By cjhannas baseball life plans Uncategorized
  • 24 Jan

    By the Numbers

    I know I have mentioned it before, but I am a big fan of “This American Life.”

    But sometimes the stories can bring things up that are, well, a little sad. After last week’s episode, a guy I went to college with tweeted, “this week’s This American Life is pretty depressing.”

    The episode is titled “Somewhere Out There” and can be found on their site. Specifically he was talking about the first and last stories.

    The first involved one of the correspondents talking about a time when he was at Harvard and along with some classmates calculated their odds of getting girlfriends.

    They used something called the Drake Equation, in which you take characteristics of subsets of the population and by applying their percentage in that population you end up with a small group that has all of those qualities. In this case they started with the population of Boston, kept just the females, those within a certain age range, those with a certain level of education and of course those who were single.

    The result was a depressingly small number that did not make them feel very good about their prospects.

    So of course I did some research on my local population to see how things shake out. In the name of not being too restrictive, I started with my entire county. Fairfax County, Va., has a total population of about 1 million people. Of that, there are about 34,000 females between the ages of 25-29.

    That number drops even more quickly by applying just two basic characteristics–the need for them to be single and be a college graduate. According to census statistics, about 46 percent of females in that age range are single. That drops eligible number to 15,460.

    I live in an area with a high level of education, with about 62 percent of females in that age range having college degrees. That cuts the pool to 9,696.

    The only other obvious requirement from the census data I found was the ability to speak English (since that’s what I speak). But the data shows a negligible percentage of residents who don’t speak English well.

    I couldn’t find anything on percentage of females in that age range who are not crazy, or those who like Taco Bell. But I’m guessing that second group will certainly cut down the 9,696 significantly.

    You might be saying, nearly 10,000 people is a pretttty big pool. However, that is before you factor in anything like physical appearance, personality and of course the narrowing equation from their end as well. If I had to estimate, I think that brings the original 34,000 down to about 7. Hard to say.

    By cjhannas life plans Taco Bell Uncategorized
  • 04 Jan

    Do You Like Hot Sauce?

    Technology is great.

    With out it, how would I quickly find the answer to pressing questions like “I wonder if a girl would ever say yes to a proposal done with a Taco Bell sauce packet?”

    The fine folks at Taco Bell have for years put little sayings on their sauce packets. On the “Hot” variety, one of the lines is “Will You Marry Me?” My roommate picks that one up every time we go, and so far hasn’t had any luck with me.

    But that made us think, could that actually work? And further, could you convince the girl to actually have the wedding at a Taco Bell?

    We hoped both were possible.

    So of course I posed the question on Facebook and quickly got a response from every possible part of the spectrum. A no: “Not unless there’s a ring inside the packet.” A yes: “Love it!” A response I could have predicted (from my mom): “Is there something you would like to share with us?”

    I’ll take a moment and address the last one first. My mom and I have a longstanding joke that I’m going to be married for several years with several kids before I bother to let her know I’m even in a relationship. I take this as a challenge.

    Now putting a ring in the packet does seem like a logical next step. But I would fear the reaction of a significant other who has to deal with a ring covered in hot sauce. Doesn’t seem like the best way to start things off.


    In case you’re wondering, yes I did tape a hot sauce packet to my wall

    As for the “Love it!” comment, I’m glad I’m friends with that person.

    Lest you think this is a crazy plan and no one would actually go through with it, I invite you to meet Chellie. She not only was on the receiving end of this tactic, but was cool enough to say yes. Read her account on what I presume is her blog.

    If you’re the kind of gal who is down with the packet proposal, it’s not much of a stretch to think you would be OK with doing the ceremony there as well. And, well, that has happened too. Check out this story from the Associated Press (Via HuffingtonPost). The best line of the story, “He proposed on New Year’s Eve and, because they like to spend time at the local Taco Bell, they decided to wed there.”

    Maybe I should spend more time hanging out at Taco Bell.

    By cjhannas life plans Taco Bell Uncategorized
  • 23 Aug

    My Own Worst Enemy

    It’s amazing how when we’re really focused on something that we can completely block out other parts of life and give them no consideration whatsoever. With finishing classes on Thursday, a whole region of my brain suddenly turned back on. I never realized the things I had blocked out until I didn’t have to think about moving to Maryland, signing up for classes, and then taking classes all summer and all of the mental capacity that ate up.

    Not to say that’s a terribly good thing…but definitely a different use of my brain than the past two or three months. It didn’t help that I saw a someone for the first time in about a year that really made me think about the mythical “what might have been.” What would life be like now if a few things back then had happened a little differently? They’d be different, very different, but I couldn’t help but feel like they would be just as good. It’s not like I haven’t thought about this before, or in the past year, but actually being there, three inches away and having a conversation made it so much more real.

    Here’s to one more week of being lost in my head, then back to classes and the world of no time to think…

    By cjhannas life plans Uncategorized
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