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Untangling Christmas Vacation

Re-watching an old movie gives your eyes the opportunity to spot something new. During the 7,904th viewing you don’t need to hyper focus on the big plot points. You got all the important stuff the first 7,903 times.

I’ve written before about revelations I had about “Snatch” and “Mr. Deeds.” This time I want to dive into a moment in “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.”

Clark Griswold, played by Chevy Chase, is trying to adorn his house with a few Christmas lights. And by that I mean 25,000 Christmas lights. For part of this extensive operation, he enlists the help of his son Rusty (Johnny Galecki). Clark gives Rusty the key task of untangling a string of lights. Rusty is less than pleased:

Like, really not pleased:

The first many times I saw this movie, I interpreted Rusty’s reaction as that of a kid who is being unfairly forced to do something solely because a parent is making him do it. Clark has a lot of work to do with the staple gun, so he’s exercising his authority and making the kid do the thankless job.

But no more. Tonight I saw this exchange in a different way. Rusty is reaping what he sowed.

Flash back to the year before the movie takes place. It’s the beginning of February and Ellen (Beverly D’Angelo), Clark’s wife/Rusty’s mom is making her daily gripe about being the only house on the street that still has Christmas lights up. She says it’s embarrassing, and Clark finally decides to follow through on his pledge to take them down. He goes upstairs to find Rusty playing the Paperboy Nintendo game he got for Christmas and demands the kid help out.

Rusty gives Clark an attitude, scoffing and dragging his feet as he reluctantly pauses the game and follows his dad outside.

“Fiiiiiine,” he says.

Clark remarks about the crisp, cool air and bright sunshine while Rusty can only think about hurling virtual newspapers and how lame it is he has to be out there. Clark then climbs up the ladder and starts detaching light strings from the house, feeding them down to the ground to be neatly put away for the following year.

Rusty is in such a sour mood he will do whatever he can to just get the job done and get back to his game. The fastest way is not to nicely coil up each string, but rather to grab the heap of wires and bulbs and stuff them straight in the box. The result? A huge mess of tangled lights. When that same box comes out again a year later, the lights have not magically untangled themselves and Rusty has nobody but himself to blame.

Moral of the story: a little effort now will save you lots of effort later. And Paperboy is super fun.

December 12, 2013 movies
Adam Levine, Egg McMuffin Provider

If you like ridiculous conversations that matter to absolutely nobody, you should watch TV with me and my roommate sometime.

Where else are you going to get an extensive breakdown of Adam Levine’s Kmart commercial, complete with multiple viewings that include seeing it in reverse and slo-mo?

Here we see Levine hurriedly searching for clothes as he leaves the room, and the woman, behind. The roommate’s theory is that Levine is being a stereotypical rock star jerk and trying to run away from a one-night stand. But in our attempt to scour the video for details confirming the setting is in fact a hotel room (the obvious “Do Not Disturb” sign is not in the TV version) I became convinced something else is going on.

Yes, he is clearly rushing to find his clothes from various locations around this lovely suite, and he has a smirk when the woman comes to the door that says, “Yeahhh you caught me.” You could make a compelling case for the jerk scenario with those. However, also note that his first few steps out the door are just as quick as the last ones he takes inside the room. Then when he gets outside, he checks his watch.

My conclusion? He’s obviously trying to get to McDonald’s before 10:30 and the dreaded, “Oh I’m sorry, sir, we stopped serving breakfast.”

Adam Levine is trying to do the right thing and bring this nice woman some hotcakes and egg McMuffins. He knows the deadline is tight, so he has to get dressed quickly and get going. He moves so fast he forgets his keys. Because hotels are notorious for having doors that are way too loud no matter how quietly you try to shut them, and because women are smart enough to figure out simple scenarios like this, she is both awake and ready at the door with the keys when he comes back. He knows both of these things, thus the smirk of “okay you got me.”

In conclusion: Adam Levine is a nice guy who cares about the most important meal of the day, and is attracted to smart women who are not fooled by his schemes.

Secondary conclusion: We have way too much time on our hands. And that’s okay.

December 12, 2013 Uncategorized
Put A Mural On It

Major League Baseball stadiums are kind of depressing in December. Seriously, look at this and tell me something different:

Fortunately there’s something going on nearby that’s pretty cool. Diagonal from the stadium is a building formerly occupied by the National Geospatial-Intelligence Agency and now sitting empty waiting for demolition. It’s all part of the massive redevelopment in the blocks surrounding Nationals Park.

What do you do with a lame duck building? Let artists have at it.

I brought my camera into work last week to take pictures of the area around the Capitol all decked out for Christmas, then read an article in the Washington Post about the art project (reminding me of something my mom had already told me). So after work, I hopped the Metro down there and found three of the giant murals:

After walking by this building a million times in the past few years, it’s great to see something other than an old ugly structure. If only the art didn’t have to disappear when the building does.

In case you’re curious, the site is due to become “office buildings, with ground-floor retail” according to the awesome website JDLand.com, which has more details about development in that part of the city than you could ever want to know.

December 8, 2013 DC Uncategorized
The Season, Tis

Sing it with me now: “It’s the most wonderful tiiiiime of the yeeeeear.”

Christmas season is upon us, which means it’s time for my yearly reminder to myself that I’m not a big fan of my cheap fake tree and its one strand of lights — both situations that I’ve meant to change and never do.

My main issue with the fake tree is that each time I have to assemble it and manually spread out each and every one of the little “branches.” The final product is okay…in the dark:

I like to take the spirit of “it’s the thought that counts” and focus on the overall experience. I do love that we have the tree plugged into an outlet that’s attached to a light switch so that we can turn it on with ease. The pine-scented candle nearby somewhat makes up for the lack of natural Christmas tree aroma.

And then there are the ornaments, which I feel have a nice personal flavor. Plenty of people have stars or angels on top of their trees, but who else has a mitten?

I received this mitten as a gift from a coworker when I was in Florida. There was a Starbucks gift card inside, which was both a really unexpected and appreciated gesture and also the impetus for my first ever Starbucks trip.

The newest piece was inspired by this blog post about brightly colored shoes. My sister-in-law read it and grabbed this guy for me:

There’s also the ridiculous. And by that I mean ridiculously awesome. It doesn’t glow in the dark anymore, but I appreciate the joy from an ornament that came out of a Golden Crisp box:

On the other end of the spectrum is the sentimental. I have a handful of ornaments from my grandmother’s tree, including this classy piece:

The rest of the living has some Christmas cheer as well. On the mantle, in addition to a stocking, there’s a dog with appropriate headwear:

No Christmas would be complete of course without this, which needs absolutely no explanation unless you’re a terrible person:

Christmas is the final holiday of the year, and I like to make sure that we keep an eye toward what is next. That, of course, is the new year, and what better way to celebrate that than with a piece of Taco Bell memorabilia?

When you squeeze him, he says, “Happy New Year, amigos!”

We’ll get there soon enough. For now, Merry soon-to-be-Christmas, amigos!

December 6, 2013 Christmas Uncategorized
Spectacularness

Things I should not do: drink so much soda, sleep so little, wait a month to blog about a book.

The consequences of the first two are evident and possibly related. The third one results in me not remotely remembering what to say about it.

This example comes courtesy of Tim Tharp’s “The Spectacular Now,” which while a good read did fall a tiny bit short of my expectations. It follows the story of a SUPREMELY confident — at least outwardly — high school kid named Sutter who has a love for alcohol, himself and a girls who tire of his antics.

As the title suggests, his main focus in life is the present. He acts accordingly with little forethought or consideration for what those actions might bring. One afternoon he’s sitting on the hood of his car drinking with his best friend and notes how the day’s nice weather probably means a hot summer is coming, but that he’s not worrying about that.

“I was never big on the future,” Sutter says. “I admire people who are, but it just never was my thing.”

This is the only section I actually remember highlighting. I’m not present-focused like Sutter, but I’m also not someone who has peered far into the future with a blueprint for how it’s all going to play out. I’ve never had a five- or 10-year plan. I don’t make New Year’s resolutions. I don’t have a bucket list or a piece of paper listing my life goals. I have plenty of friends who do all of these things, but whenever I think about them, all I can picture is the last five or 10 years and how utterly unpredictable most of it would have been.

What I do know about the future is that I won’t wait so long next time so that I have more to say. To make up for it now, enjoy this picture of some ducks:

November 22, 2013 books Uncategorized
No Means No

I’ve had some interesting experiences riding Metro over the years, but nothing like what happened as I went to work last night.

The earlier ones all fell on the entertaining end of the scale, from the guy who said loudly that his little niece “sucks,” the man and woman who got in an argument over a child eating Burger King on the train, or the guy who got his arm stuck in the door meaning his coffee made it on but he did not.

Last night was different, and I don’t tell this story for kudos or credit, but because it really made me angry how some people can treat others with such little respect. As human beings, that’s one of the basic things we can do every day. It should be our default. It wasn’t for this guy on the orange line.

A few stops into my trip, he got on the train with a group of other people, including a young blonde woman. Just to give you a picture of the scene, here’s a terrible graphic of where the key players settled:

I had a pen and legal pad out, trying to craft a scene between two characters who are playing that game where you say three things and the other person guesses which one is a lie. To my right, I heard faint mumbling from the guy. It wasn’t loud enough for me to make out anything, but it went on for a few minutes. The young woman started shuffling in her seat, and in the only quick glance I made at that time, it looked like she was winding up her headphones and packing up her stuff as if she were about to get off at the next stop. She did get up, but only to move seats:

Note her new location, behind me and to the right. That move told me all I needed to know about that
mumbling — clearly she was uncomfortable being near the guy. Her respite lasted only about 30 seconds, because the creep couldn’t take no for an answer and moved closer to her to resume his mumbling:

I looked straight at him and watched as she said something back, which I didn’t catch, but prompted him to immediately make the ultimate harassing move of sitting in the seat next to her. There was no way she could escape:

She made the perfect move, immediately getting up and sternly saying, “Let me out.” A moment later, I was standing above him with my hand gripping his shoulder and telling him, “You need to move right now.”

In the next moment, I thought I was going to get in my first ever Metro fist fight. He didn’t appreciate me confronting him and demanded that I take my hands off him. Unfortunately for him, I’m more than willing to inflict that kind of disrespect on someone who is acting the way he was — especially toward a young woman. I looked him square in the eyes and told him again to let her out. He did.

The creep slinked away to the front of our part of the car, wearing an expression on his face as if to say to everyone else, “Man, can you believe how I was just treated?!” There wasn’t an ounce of sympathy for him, just looks of disgust. Two stops later, he got off the train.

Meanwhile, an older woman had gone back to talk to the young woman, and from their conversation behind me it was clear that she was both okay and surrounded by people who were prepared to look out for her.

A guy sitting nearby came up to me later and thanked me for “stepping up,” saying that he felt a weird vibe about the creep as soon as he got on the train, but was in the kind of commuting daze we all slip into when things got serious.

As the train was about to pull into a station a few stops from my own, there was a tap on my shoulder from behind.

“Hey. Thanks for helping me.”

It’s a cliche that we often think we know how we would react in certain situations, but that we never truly know until it happens. I hope we live in a world where people can understand simple concepts like if a woman doesn’t want to talk to you, then you need to leave her alone. But in reality, I hope we all have someone nearby willing to help, because we all need it sometimes.

November 14, 2013 metro Uncategorized
Run Shoes, Fun Shoes

I don’t like to take credit for a lot of things, but when I saw this article in today’s New York Times about the boom in neon running gear — particularly shoes — I couldn’t help but feel partially responsible.

The piece really pegs this as a trend that has exploded this year, and I’ll mostly agree with that. But as a longtime proponent of rocking brightly colored running shoes, and more importantly, as a veteran of the running shoe industry, I can tell you this did not pop up overnight.

One of the central questions the story explores is, will it last?

“Most analysts do not track shoe sales by color, but it is clear that the shoe business is booming. NPD Group, a retail analyst firm, said sales of retail goods in the running category were up $39 million, or 12 percent, this year from 2012. Some attribute that, at least in part, to the new palette.”

I began selling shoes in 1999 as an after-school job and worked for that company until 2005. During that entire era, running shoes came in a very narrow range of colors. Companies did not branch out much at all. For men, the shoes were typically white with navy blue, and an accent of either black or something in the gold/beige family. In fact, “typically” isn’t even a fair word. Your choice was which logo went on the side.

Women’s shoes were slightly more adventurous, but still consisted of either white or grey, with some sort of baby blue, purple or a rare appearance by pink. All muted tones, too.

I moved to another company in 2006 and 2007, and that’s when this neon trend really got its start. But it happened slowly. Shoe companies are quick to jump on trends, but they tread carefully when it comes to establishing what those trends will be. Remember when there were only two choices in the minimalist shoes that are everywhere today? It took a few years for that to really become a thing.

The same was true with bright colors. In 2006, I bought a pair of bright yellow New Balance running shoes:

Perhaps the finest news crew ever assembled

Before that purchase, I’m sure I didn’t sell one pair to a customer. They were intrigued, would pick up the shoes and think maybe they would be fun, but ultimately get self-conscious and decide to play it safe and get what they saw everyone else wearing.

After I bought them and wore them around in the store, though, I sold tons. People loved them, but most of all they loved seeing someone else wear them. That’s what broke down that last little bit that kept them from embracing the fun that running should be. I was never a pushy salesman on things like trying to get you to purchase a matching jacket, but I encouraged everyone I could to branch out and pick up the more colorful version of a shoe. The same pattern of suddenly skyrocketing sales played out again when I bought a pair of bright orange shoes there, ones that I’m proud to say I wore setting my best time in every single race distance:

I can’t tell you the number of compliments I have received on my bright shoes over the years, whether it’s from someone standing next to me at a start line, or the Instagram picture I post of the latest pair I just bought. What I can say is that nobody ever, ever, ever, ever, ever said one word about white shoes with navy blue accents.

As long as the manufacturers keep making them, I will always wear shoes like these:

My current lineup

And if you’re looking for an interesting section for my Wikipedia page, I’m proud to say I played a role in making other people feel cool about wearing them too.

November 12, 2013 running shoes Uncategorized
Haircut Games

Last week I got my hair cut, and not a single person said anything. Not even on the Internet.

Why not? Because I’m not Jennifer Lawrence. When you think of JLaw, you probably picture this:

Post by Jennifer Lawrence.

But after a session that I’m assuming probably took five times longer than mine, now she’s rocking something that for some reason really freaked out a lot of people, and led others to rush to her defense. Check it out:

Post by Jennifer Lawrence.

I certainly am a fan of JLaw’s longer hair, but I am nearly as into this look. It’s fun! She’s 23! I wouldn’t tell her to keep it forever, but as a phase to rock for a little while, I definitely like it. The few people I talked to about it so far — all girls — have gone through the exact same arc of reaction. First, they hate it. Then it’s kind of okay. Then, “You know, I actually do think it’s cool.”

How could it be even cooler? When she’s rocking Google Glass:

Post by Jennifer Lawrence.

So to anyone who has a problem, first of all, find a hobby. Second, it’s hair! It grows back! I celebrate that fact about half the time I get mine cut. When the moment comes that the woman I always go to asks about what to do with my sideburns, there’s frequently a miscommunication in the phrasing of her question and the phrasing of my answer, leading to them sometimes getting chopped off. Whatevs. A week later you’d never know.

In six months no one will remember the JLaw pixie cut was even a thing. Let’s have fun with it now!

Also, let’s get excited for her future appearance in a remake of East of Eden. It’s kind of a long book, so if you’ve never read it, consider this your push to get going.

November 9, 2013 Uncategorized
Blue Horse Dragon In The Night

A blue horse dragon sits quietly in the night. Ten feet away, drops of Budweiser the same temperature as the hands that have been holding it for two hours spatter out onto my clothes and the ground around me as I toss the bottle in the air. I make it flip over once, then twice, then three times. The bottle turns gently in the soft light of the one nearby light that’s casting a glow on the carousel. The fourth try is too violent, too fast, sending the only big drop of beer that remains directly into my eye. It burns for the second it takes for the bottle to clang against the hard-packed dirt at my feet. I’m sitting on the National Mall in Washington next to the carousel where my daughter, Annabelle, made me bring her every Saturday. The blue horse — the one that looks more like a dragon by the time you get to the back — that was hers. If some other kid got on there before I could hoist Annie up to the ornate saddle fit for a medieval fantasy princess, she threw a fit. We would wait until the next round, waving ahead the families behind us with an awkward “no please, go ahead” without the chance to properly explain the situation.

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October 26, 2013 Short story
Disappointing But Fun Year at Nats Park

If you want to make money betting on baseball next season, keep track of how the Washington Nationals do in the first few games I attend. If they win a few, bet on them to lose. If they lose a few, bet on some wins.

Why? Because during the 2013 season, the Nats went 11-11 with me in attendance. You might think that’s a small sample size, so let’s expand it. In 2012, the Nats went 10-10 with me in attendance. Not satisfied yet? Fine. In 2011, the Nats went 7-7 with me in attendance.

That’s three seasons, 49 games, and a perfect .500 record. Of course I know this because I’m a nerd and have a spreadsheet with data on virtually every major sporting event I’ve attended in my life:

This season was certainly a disappointment for the Nationals, who missed the playoffs by a few games after winning their division last year. But they were still playing baseball, and a season at the park with my mom and brother was a great time. We saw Stephen Strasburg and Dan Haren pitch five times each, with sometimes frustrating results, but were also treated to a few surprisingly positive starts by Ross Ohlendorf and six games with the amazing Jordan Zimmermann.

Zimmermann is one of my favorite Nats both for the way he just goes about his business and also the pace at which he works. A game with him on the mound is much more likely to be over in 2.5 hours than 3.5. This year we saw him pitch two complete shutouts in which he gave up a combined three hits.

There were also some pretty crazy things that happened at our games.

Opening Day brought a pair of home runs by young star Bryce Harper. It’s a shame he got hurt early in the year because he was about as locked in as a hitter can be. Hopefully next season he won’t run into any fences.

Near the end of an 11-inning game in June, I began noticing smoke wafting in from across the stadium. It was the kind of thing you see sometimes from the restaurants behind right field, but not at that point in the night. Then there was what I can best describe as a loud electrical “zoink” noise with an accompanying flash of fire. A bank of lights had shorted out, sending entire sections of people rushing to relocate.

In early August, the analog clock next to the scoreboard began malfunctioning, sometimes freezing, sometimes going super fast and other times going backwards. Naturally I began documenting the saga on Twitter, part of which ended up in a Washington Post article:

Side story of this #Nats game: the clock next to the video board is going CRAZY fast
— Chris Hannas (@cjhannas) August 9, 2013

Real-time that inning took 10 minutes. #NatsClock said an hour and 15 minutes. #Nats
— Chris Hannas (@cjhannas) August 9, 2013

#NatsClock now slowly going backwards. #Nats
— Chris Hannas (@cjhannas) August 10, 2013

#NatsClock froze at 3:43 before going forward again. I feel like there’s a secret message in there. #Nats
— Chris Hannas (@cjhannas) August 10, 2013

#NatsClock really moving again. That half-inning took 3 mins, clock said 23. #Nats
— Chris Hannas (@cjhannas) August 10, 2013

#NatsClock stuck again…but the #Nats scored 4 so 4:15 is apparently a good tme for them to hit http://t.co/BvJLy2YhMs
— Chris Hannas (@cjhannas) August 10, 2013

Scratch that theory. #NatsClock still says 4:15, but no runs for the #Nats that inning.
— Chris Hannas (@cjhannas) August 10, 2013

Another inning stuck at 4:15 and no runs for the #Nats. Everyone please pray for #NatsClock.
— Chris Hannas (@cjhannas) August 10, 2013

In case you were concerned, the clock was fixed in time for our next game.

In September, we saw something I didn’t know was possible. Braves pitcher Alex Wood was upset about a pitch he thought was a strike and the umpire called a ball. He expressed that frustration. His manager brought in a new pitcher because of the game situation. The moment Wood handed over the ball and began walking off the mound, he SCREAMED at the umpire, who then gave the ejection sign. So a player who had already been taken out of the game was thrown out of the game. Fun times!

Speaking of fun, one of the great things about working overnights not far from Nats Park is that I can just go in a little early and catch the bulk of a game if I want to. One night Zimmermann was pitching against Giants starter Tim Lincecum, who is someone I’ve always thought was cool to watch but had never seen in person. So the day of the game, I grabbed a $15 ticket online for a decent seat on the lower level and got to see most of that matchup. Of course since I had to leave early I did miss Denard Span make probably the catch of the season to save a win for the Nats.

I also enjoy when we get to see players make their Major League debuts. In 2011, pitcher Tommy Milone hit a three-run homer on the very first pitch he saw as a hitter. This season, pitcher Nate Karns didn’t have that kind of moment, but there was cool sky above the park as he threw his first pitch:

Here’s to another great year in 2014.

October 19, 2013 baseball Uncategorized