Uncategorized

  • 13 Jan

    An Offer You Can’t Refuse

    Everyone has some piece of iconic pop culture they somehow missed along the way.

    It’s the kind of thing you are almost ashamed to admit to your friends, and when you do they respond with something like, “WHAT?!?!?!?!”

    Until today, the biggest thing on my list was the movie “The Godfather.” I’ll wait while you complete your “WHAT?!?!!?!?!”

    Good? OK.

    I can’t fully explain how I missed out on this movie until the year 2011, but it’s probably mainly because it’s part of a trilogy. Once you watch the first movie, you are pretty much committed to watching the entire series, and locking myself into 9-10 hours of “Godfather” material seemed like a huge commitment.

    Of course, that didn’t stop me from watching hundreds of other movies that most people would not consider remotely worth their time. Whatever. “Happy Gilmore” is awesome.

    Having now seen the movie, I wish I had seen it long ago, preferably around the age of 6. That’s because just about every part of the movie has been parodied to death by every possible form of media I have seen since then. When I see a guy in a bed, I know instantly there’s a horse head in there with him. When they mention the “five families” all I can picture is Kevin and Andy from “The Office” arranging a meeting with the companies in their office park.

    Oh and Marlon Brando. I may have seen some versions of his character before today.

    One problem with movies “you have to see” is the expectation created by others. In recent days my friend AV has been advocating for “The Godfather.” While her high regard for the movie did set up a lofty standard, I would blame any shortcomings on all those elements I felt like I had already experienced. On a four-star scale, I’d give it 3.5.

    The experience reminded me of my introduction to “Almost Famous.” I say “introduction” because I have never actually seen the movie.

    I tried.

    In college I spent some quality time with a girl who LOVED that movie. She insisted I watch it. Then insisted some more. Eventually I agreed to watch it, and made it a solid 20 minutes into the film before falling asleep.

    I don’t think she was very pleased with that, but in my defense I was worthless after like 11 p.m. back then. A few weeks later my roommate Jason and his ladyfriend (or a ladyfriend, I don’t remember) joined us for a second chance viewing.

    I woke up at some point during the credits to Jason’s ladyfriend laughing at the fact that I had been snoring…for a while. Whoops.

    I learned a lot from that movie without even watching it. Mainly, if someone says it is one of their favorite movies of all time, you should probably do whatever is necessary to at least keep your eyelids open.

    Even after working an overnight shift, I made it through “The Godfather” with no problems.

    The Godfather 1.
    Almost Famous 0.

  • 10 Jan

    Leave a Message After the Beep

    When someone asks you about a voicemail they left a month ago or you come across an email you have repeatedly avoided responding to, there’s a problem.

    Almost two weeks into the new year, I am proud to report I am crushing my goal of addressing that issue. It’s not like I never responded to people, but I found that if I didn’t immediately answer there was a strong chance I would forget to get back to people.

    I used to try to keep my personal email inbox to no more than 25 messages at a time because the client only showed that many items on its first page — anything after that was bound to be forgotten. About once a week I would go through and address a bunch of emails, but that only served to get me down to about 18 messages on a good day.

    Right now I’m at six.

    So if you leave me a voicemail, send me an email, comment here/Facebook/Twitter or even yell something as you drive by on the street — in 2011 I’m going to give you a prompt response.

    Of course prompt is relative. Just like I wouldn’t expect you to respond to my 4 a.m. text, if your message comes while I am asleep (likely in the middle of the day), all bets are off. If I have to research something or craft a diplomatic answer, again, wait times may increase.

    Among other things, one item I forgot about last year was the promise I made to provide a family member with helpful fantasy football information. At Thanksgiving this lapse was blamed for the less-than-stellar performance of her team.

    But while I fully accept responsibility for dropping the communication ball, this incident serves to illustrate the two-way process involved here — if a reasonable response time has passed, please ask again. I may forget once, but not twice. (Ok, maybe twice, but certainly not three times).

    I know you’re ready to test me, so feel free to comment below or on any of the previous posts. CJHANNAS version 2011 is ready.

  • 31 Dec

    Nobody Likes Milhouse!

    I like “The Simpsons.”

    That actually might not capture my true feelings. Let me try again.

    I just read a 430-page book about “The Simpsons.”

    Chris Turner’s “Planet Simpson: How a Cartoon Masterpiece Defined a Generation” is a discussion of the social impacts of the show, both the factors that brought it to popularity and the reflections of our world depicted in Springfield.

    It’s not a book solely for super Simpsons nerds, since Turner gives a enough background with his show references that even those who haven’t seen a particular episode can follow along. Though most of the important points he makes seem to reference Season 7, so maybe watch that first.

    His discussion veers into pop/political/tech influences as whole, whether that’s early ’90s indie filmmakers (Tarantino/Rodriguez/Coens), the music of Nirvana or the early Internet culture. At times it’s easy to forget the book is ostensibly about “The Simpsons,” but all of that background helps to give the show a context.

    I took away three major arguments from the book — Homer as America, Consumerism is King (or not), and Culture: Reflected or Absorbed?

    Homer as America

    Homer Simpson is brash, selfish, loud and inflexible in his beliefs. He does what serves his life at that moment the best, or what he thinks is best for those around him. The consequences of those actions on others are not important. He is a force in the town — what he does affects everyone and nobody has a choice in the matter.

    Turner argues Homer is an allegory of America. What the United States does (good/bad/well-meaning/successful) has a great impact on the rest of the world, whether that involves economic policy, military action or FCC policy.

    More importantly, there is an acceptance of that force, a resignation by the people of Springfield/the world that this is just another factor in their lives that isn’t going to change soon. It’s what Homer’s friend Lenny would call “Homer being Homer.”

    But it is the show’s ability to lampoon that type of influence through the Homer character that Turner argues makes it not only popular in the U.S., but especially so abroad.

    “The show can look, at times, like a pirate broadcast from inside the palace gates, the work of double agents whose sympathies might well lie as much with those caught under America’s thumb as with the people in charge,” Turner writes. “In the realm of mainstream, mass-market American pop disseminated worldwide, ‘The Simpsons’ is — by a wide margin — American society’s most strident critic.”

    Just before this section, however, he also notes the work of a Mexican scholar who says that for those who see life in America as a perfect, unattainable example, the show serves to put the reality of American life within reach.

    Consumerism is King (or not)

    Besides creating a deep character universe that allows for boundless realistic storytelling, it is the underlying satirical take on many aspects of our culture that keeps the show running. Turner highlights the show’s railing against rampant consumerism and its ill effects. The copy I have is dated 2004, so the commentary is post-dotcom bubble, but pre-financial meltdown.

    One interesting thing for me in reading this book is the description of the early years of the show. I was certainly alive in the early ’90s, but I wasn’t exactly plugged into everything that was going on.

    In describing the boom in the SUV-driving culture, Turner talks about an episode in which Marge Simpson gets a behemoth Canyonero. It’s the typical over-the-top vehicle for a mom who’s really just driving to the grocery store and soccer practice, yet has the vehicular capability of taking on a small army in any terrain on Earth. The result is a feeling of protection inside her tank-like car, and a mean case of road rage.

    Turner argues the me-me-me/SUV culture more or less created a boom in road rage, “which barely existed before 1990.” This struck me as a crazy statement — but being only 7 years old in 1990, I have little reference of what it was like to drive at the time. The statement seemed like one of those short-sighted ideas we hear so often that something today is the best, worst, biggest, most outrageous that has ever been without a true comparison with history.

    But I could be wrong.

    Another of the show’s examples has Bart visiting the local mall, which is made up mostly of Starbucks stores. He walks into a piercing store and is warned by an employee to act fast, “because in five minutes this place becomes a Starbucks.”

    I spent some time working at a mall in a Washington, D.C., suburb that had two Starbucks locations when I started. Those stores are at either end of the same wing, no more than a five-minute walk from each other. Of course, that’s a ridiculous spacing for coffee stores. Good thing they later installed a third Starbucks store, right in the middle.

    A final piece of the modern consumer puzzle is the ad gimmick. In Springfield, that is best personified by DuffMan, a character who exists entirely to promote Duff beer. Turner draws a parallel to Budweiser and its early ’90s ad campaign featuring Spuds MacKenzie. We wonder sometimes why we hang onto certain items, but the moment I read that section I felt vindicated in carrying this item from house to house as I moved over the years:

    God Bless America.

    Culture: Reflected or Absorbed?

    “The Simpsons” is a show that at certain times during its run has been criticized by many groups who say it is a bad influence. Turner draws parallels between that thread of argument and the backlash against rapper Emimen. Turner says critics who blasted Eminem’s work “implicitly argued that pop culture was not a mirror of society but [rather] its engine.”

    That is, the things artists/musicians/filmmakers/writers create are not a reflection of the values/events of society, but rather the things that drive those events and define those values.

    At first, I totally disagreed with that statement. But it was one of those lines I re-read, and thought about for a little while. I would argue it’s much more in the middle, a kind of give-and-take. Art reflects society, which can then shape it, and further reflect it. It’s an on-going process in which both entities feed off one another, like the Moon going around the spinning Earth as both revolve around the Sun.

    Turner says one of the factors in the show’s longevity is that unlike non-animated shows, we don’t see the actors in other roles or in real life. If you watch The Office, you see the character Michael Scott. But you also see actor Steve Carrell in movies, on Access Hollywood, on Leno or maybe at Starbucks. Every character he plays carries not only his real persona, but a history of all of his other roles.

    With the residents of Springfield, you would be hard-pressed to find people who actually know what the actors look like. It is only the character that we know, and “we will not get sick of seeing them hawking crap on every other TV channel, nor of reading about their on-again, off-again romances with J.Lo or their painful struggles with alcoholism. We’ll never know anything about their lavish estates in the Hollywood Hills.”

    Of course, to some members of Springfield, that anonymity is a ridiculous expectation for any celebrity.

    Homer: “I believe that famous people have a debt to everyone. If celebrities didn’t want people pawing through their garbage and saying their gay, they shouldn’t have tried to express themselves creatively.”

    My only real beef with Turner’s work is in his recreation of a certain scene in which he left out what is one of the show’s greatest lines.

    Turner is talking about the characters’ ability to go immediately from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other. In this case, Springfield has a bear sighting, and naturally the citizens are incensed that the government/police aren’t doing enough to protect them from bears. When the city creates a bear task force, and an accompanying tax to pay for it, the people are equally angry that they have to actually pay for the service they demand.

    Homer (upon receiving the tax bill): “Let the bears pay the bear tax! I already pay the Homer tax!”
    Lisa: “Dad, that’s the home-owner tax.”

    Homer is by far the most popular character, perhaps because of his logic skills. For me, he’s got nothing on the comedic genius that is Milhouse Van Houten.

    And yes, I did write this entry while drinking out of a Simpsons cup:

  • 28 Dec

    The Other The Other Boleyn Girl

    Following the news yesterday that Natalie Portman is engaged, I offer the following note:

    Dear Natalie,

    I see that you have taken some major steps in your life — seemingly all at once — leaving the wishes of others cast aside as you collect well-wishes for your future. And that’s cool. It’s your life.

    I’ll leave it to you to explain to my mom why I will be disappointing her by not living up to her expectations. And that’s cool, too. Mom can turn to my siblings — two of them already married — for her dreams of near-age cousins for my newborn niece.

    But I’m not sure you totally thought this through. You’re marrying a French choreographer/ballet dancer whom you met through your work on the film “Black Swan.” From the buzz the movie is getting, it may well be the defining work of your career — one that will forever be minimalized in the mind of your spouse.

    Sure, by all accounts you worked really hard to pull off the role of an accomplished dancer. But to someone who actually is one, your shortcomings have to be glaring. If you win an Oscar, your husband will walk by the statue every day thinking, “Heh, nice try,” like an engineer seeing the ribbon his kid won at the science fair.

    It’s like if I were hanging out with Rachel McAdams, whose most recent release had her playing the role of morning television producer. Whatever our relationship, it would be impossible for me to not be constantly picking apart how her “producer” self failed to live up to the real life version I have experienced. And in her case, it’s not like this is the movie everyone will associate her with for the rest of her career.

    Before you feel too bad about the path you’re taking, don’t worry about the rest of us. We’ll be just fine.

    After all, I hear ScarJo is single.

    Sincerely,

    cjh

  • 24 Dec

    Heavenly Pastures

    I finished John Steinbeck’s “The Pastures of Heaven” several weeks ago, but have been wholly uninspired to post its requisite entry here.

    That’s not a knock on the text itself; it’s just one of those that didn’t bring up much that had me thinking afterward. I only marked one page, and that was in the introduction section written by someone else.

    It turns out that before becoming a successful writer, Steinbeck had some interesting jobs. After failing to establish his writing career in New York, he pushed wheelbarrows of concrete for the construction of Madison Square Garden. I don’t think you’ll see Stephenie Meyer doing that. (Sidenote: Stephenie with three E’s? Come on…)

    Usually with authors I have read before, I mention the other works and link to those posts. But since I have quite a few Steinbeck books in my recent reading history I’ll point out the search function of the blog. It’s easy to miss, but in the top left there’s a box that searches my entire archives. So you could just plug in “Steinbeck” for those posts, or have some fun looking up things like “Helga” or “snow.”

    Given that it’s Christmas Eve, I have a present for you (actually for my sister):

    I spent a solid hour constructing it, and wish I took a picture of the underlying cardboard frame before I put the paper on. Probably safe to say she won’t guess what’s inside. Also safe to say I have too much time on my hands.

  • 21 Dec

    Grandma Would Have Wanted Him To

    If you followed me on Twitter, and happened to be logged in early this morning, you would have seen me post “surreal experience of the day: Dr. Elmo playing Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer……with The Roots…”

    The Roots of course is a Grammy Award-winning group that is currently serving as the house band for NBC’s Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. This week the show’s musical guests are apparently all Christmas themed, and thus they played with Dr. Elmo.

    When I was growing up, Dr. Elmo was a big part of our Christmas routine. We had two of his holiday CDs, which feature such songs as Percy the Puny Poinsettia, Grandma’s Killer Fruitcake and my favorite, Grandpa’s Gonna Sue the Pants off of Santa.

    They’re all songs in the same vein as the well-known Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, and work well if you want a break from Josh Groban singing O Holy Night. Of course once you play the Dr. Elmo CD, the situation reverses and you’re ready for a round of Groban.

    But imagine my surprise when I sent that tweet last night, and almost immediately Dr. Elmo started following me on Twitter.

    (Quick notes for the non-Twitter users. “Following” someone is kind of like being their Facebook friend — you see the things they post. RT — which you’ll see in a second — is basically forwarding a message someone has posted, so that all the people who follow you can see it.)

    Dr. Elmo replied to my message asking if I liked the performance. My initial post was more that it was a strange pairing, considering The Roots a few weeks ago were rocking out with Bruce Springsteen and recently released an album with John Legend.

    I sent him a reply, which he then re-tweeted:

    My 10-year-old self would never have imagined that series of events. Of course, if 10-year-old me imagined Twitter I would have been a super genius Internet pioneer in 1993.

  • 17 Dec

    Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

    It’s amazing what can seem vitally important to us today, and then a week or year later seem absolutely irrelevant.

    For some reason the other day I was looking back at some of the really, really old posts, and besides noting how strikingly my writing has changed since then I found it interesting to compare what I was writing about then versus what I think about today.

    I don’t tend to share much deeply personal stuff, so posts like this one from August 23, 2005 really stand out:

    “…It didn’t help that I saw a someone for the first time in about a year that really made me think about the mythical “what might have been.” What would life be like now if a few things back then had happened a little differently? They’d be different, very different, but I couldn’t help but feel like they would be just as good. It’s not like I haven’t thought about this before, or in the past year, but actually being there, three inches away and having a conversation made it so much more real. Here’s to one more week of being lost in my head, then back to classes and the world of no time to think…”

    Clearly someone was on my mind. But five years later, I could not even remotely tell you who that was. No idea.

    I spent a few minutes trying to piece things together: I was in grad school in Maryland…working part time at a local mall…still lived close to where I grew up…

    Nothing.

    Someone who affected me enough to move me to write is now absolutely no part of my life. I guess that’s how it goes.

    Not long after that I reconnected with someone who hadn’t really spoken to me in a long time. In those five years since, we slowly became good friends again, much closer really than we had been before. But as life does, things between us changed quickly (seemed interminably long at the time) and we’re right back to having not spoken in months.

    Even though we lose some relationships we value so highly at the time, we still move forward with those experiences (and sometimes lessons) that help shape the relationships still to come.

    Of course, back in 2005 I was already in the habit of doing not-so-smart things.

    Happy Friday.

  • 04 Dec

    Strike a Pose

    I put on a blue knit shirt with white stripes yesterday and immediately wondered if anyone else felt the slightest bit odd wearing the same thing as in their profile picture.

    Or do they even notice?

    Maybe it stands out more for those of us who keep the same picture up for a long time. It was kind of like putting on a costume that embodies my online persona.

    When I first put up the current picture — used here, Facebook and Twitter — people posted a number of comments:

    “Great pic, Glamour Shots”
    “You look majestic”
    “Nice ds profile pic”

    (DS meaning something like “you are a fine-looking gentleman”)

    I’ll take this opportunity to state that the picture is not some sort of studio headshot. It has caused several people to ask what I’m doing on TV these days, but I’m solely behind the scenes. No need for the standard bio picture like my friends Aundrea, Retha and Kim.

    In actuality, the photo was taken at a bowling alley. Oh, and I have Photoshop.

    The picture gives off a totally different message in the edited form than in the original:

    The one on the left is more like “Hey, let me inform or entertain you” while the one on the right says “I know I’m on pace to bowl a 106 and I’m OK with that.”

    I also own the same shirt in more of a maroon color instead of the blue. Maybe that’s my alter-ego.

    By cjhannas Uncategorized
  • 28 Nov

    Just Crazy Enough to be True

    [Note: This post got really long, so I used some sub-heads if you want to skip to different portions — Unabomber’s Lament near the end is probably the most interesting point]

    Some of the books I read have really nothing to with my everyday life, and after I write about them here I don’t think about them again.

    Chuck Klosterman’s “Eating The Dinosaur” is not one of those books. I finished reading it last week and already I have brought up some of Klosterman’s points in two separate conversations.

    I guess you could describe Klosterman as a culture critic, or as one of the blurbs says, “pop-culture philosopher.” Basically he has spent some time thinking about things that are culturally relevant to people alive today. That means discussing the “reality” of art using Weezer’s Rivers Cuomo or the way technology effects us with the Unabomber’s manifesto. In short, his examples bring to mind phrases like, “I saw that movie,” “I have that album” or “I remember when that guy got arrested.”

    Talk To Me

    One of the early themes in the book is the nature of interviews, and the relationship between interviewers and their subjects. Klosterman writes that as journalists, we ask questions in interviews that we would never ask of our friends or in any normal conversation. And yet, people answer. They accept the “acceleration of intimacy” and open up to someone they usually have never met.

    So why do celebrities, public officials and everyday people involved in newsworthy events respond to interviewers? Klosterman writes, “People answer questions because it feels strange to do the opposite.”

    If you’ve never conducted an interview, this is a key point to understand. We feel naturally compelled to answer questions when people ask. A really effective technique as an interviewer is to wait a second or two after you think the person is done giving an answer before launching into your next question. What happens is this moment where they finish, and then feel compelled to keep going and add onto their response. Why? It feels strange to sit there when someone seems interested in what you’re saying.

    One of the aforementioned conversations about the book was with my younger brother as we drove to and from New Jersey this weekend. With his iPod on shuffle, we heard a lot of songs from bands who were once very popular but now have disappeared from the music landscape.

    Think about a band like Creed. Today it is popular to say you don’t like Creed and can’t understand why anyone ever would. But in 2000-01, you liked Creed. If the song “My Own Prison” came on the radio today with no one else around, you would nod along and enjoy yourself. If someone walked in the room you would change the station and say you’ve always hated Creed. But in 2000, the band had the 4th-highest selling record in the U.S., and a year later had another album in the Top 10. You could make similar statements about bands like Hootie & The Blowfish, Maroon 5 and Limp Bizkit.

    Beauty In The Eye

    Then again, any form of art is open to interpretation. In later essays, Klosterman writes about director Wong Kar-Wai’s “terrible” film “My Blueberry Nights,” which I happened to really enjoy. That may be partially explained by the presence of both Norah Jones and Natalie Portman, but I found the story interesting as well. He’s also clearly not a fan of the CBS geek comedy “The Big Bang Theory,” which my DVR is set to automatically record each week. But whatever. I know from his previous works that he is a big fan of the band KISS, which I could care less about.

    Before reading the book I had heard it was a sort of return to the style of his earlier “Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs” (SDCP). I would partially agree, but would say “Eating The Dinosaur” is much more of a critical selection of essays with less overt humor. Where SDCP is non-stop hilarious for pages at a time, this book is peppered with just a few funny sentences that break up more serious discussion.

    I’ll use the same device and provide some examples to break up my longer piece.

    Last year, one of the books I read was George Orwell’s “1984,” which I had originally read in high school. I wrote then how different it seemed to read it the second time. Klosterman had a similar experience with H.G. Wells’ “The Time Machine.”

    “It became my favorite novel for the next two years, but solely for textual reasons: I saw no metaphorical meaning in the narrative. It was nothing except plot, because I was a fucking sixth grader.” He goes on to describe how as a 30-year-old he tapped into the metaphorical side.

    In an essay complaining about the use of canned laughter in television sitcoms, he gives a great modern way to tell someone to shove it. “Perhaps you think that railing against canned laughter is like complaining that nuclear detonations are bad for the local bunny population. I don’t care. Go read a vampire novel.”

    Miley-Mania

    For those who can’t understand why Miley Cyrus is popular or why so many people watch shows like “The Hills” and “Jersey Shore,” Klosterman has your answer. Certain pop-culture phenomenons that many may describe as “idiotic” or “trashy” serve a few important functions in our culture. “They allow Americans to understand who they are and who they are not,” he says. “They allow Americans to unilaterally agree on something they never needed to consciously consider.” Basically, we don’t need to care about Britney Spears, but she gave us something to talk about and bond over as a society.

    Unabomber’s Lament

    Probably the most interesting section of the book is Klosterman’s discussion of the Unabomber, a.k.a. Ted Kaczynski. I have to admit that even though I was very much aware of Kaczynski when he was arrested, I had no idea why he was called the Unabomber. As Klosterman points out, most of his bombing targets were (UN)iversities and (A)irlines.

    He is quick to point out that Kaczynski is a psychopath who clearly has destructive ideas. But in analyzing the manifesto Kaczynski insisted be published in the Washington Post and New York Times, Klosterman finds the psychopath does have some good points about how technology — more specifically, the Internet — is affecting our culture.

    “Even though he deserves to die in jail, Kaczynski’s thesis is correct: Technology is bad for civilization. We are living in a manner that is unnatural. We are latently enslaved by our own ingenuity, and we have unknowingly constructed a simulated world. The benefits of technology are easy to point out (medicine, transportation, the ability to send and receive text messages during Michael Jackson’s televised funeral), but they do not compensate for the overall loss of humanity that is its inevitable consequence.”

    I was talking with a co-worker last week about the way things like Facebook and smartphones have changed the way we interact, and not always for the better. Kaczynski would say those are technologies that we created, and now feel an obligation to use in a cycle that continues to perpetuate itself.

    As my co-worker cited about herself, we can’t sit in a waiting room without reflexively pulling out our phones to have a text conversation or update our status to let everyone know we are sitting in a waiting room. That changes the way we communicate, and the way we experience the world around us. Gone are those times where we sit quietly and reflect on something or enjoy moments of being completely disconnected from the pace of everyday life.

    I am certainly guilty of this trend. While writing this admittedly long post, I have checked on my fantasy football team, Facebook and Twitter, all while watching a football game on TV.

    Even More Technology

    If you want more on the way technology is shaping us, both beneficially and not, I’ll leave you with two interesting pieces:

    Frontline: Digital Nation

    WNYC’s Radiolab podcast: What Does Technology Want?

  • 22 Nov

    And the Oscar I Do…

    It has been nearly a full week since the folks on the other side of the pond announced the engagement of Prince William and Kate Middleton, an event that clearly showed Kate stole my life plan.

    For those of you who haven’t been following along, marrying into royalty has been Plan A for both ensuring my early retirement and fulfilling the plans others may have for my future. It also means fancy manors, castles and pompous titles that sound just made-up enough to be real.

    You may point out that she has been dating William since 2003, and thus could not possibly have stolen my plan. But that just proves she has a time machine and can read my mind.

    And that’s fine. Getting engaged to royalty is so 2010.

    In 2011, it will be all about Oscar winners. Actually, since there are a limited number of those each year, let’s include nominees to widen the field a little bit.

    They need someone to accompany them to awards shows, premieres, dinner and “look how normal I am” events like sports games. I can do all of those.

    They need someone to tell them their movie is awesome, who doesn’t mind taking month-long vacations and can remember to feed the dog when they have an all-day shoot. I can do all of those.

    They need someone to talk them out of thinking things like, “hey, I’m a movie star, I can release a rap album,” “hey, I’m a movie star, I can park my car sideways on this sidewalk in front of a daycare center,” or “hey, I’m a movie star, these drugs look delicious.” I can do all of those.

    You may hear a lot more about William and Kate next year, but in the (mangled) words of the Black Eyed Peas, “I’m so 2011, they so 2000 & has been.”

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