I hate crossword puzzles. Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate them. But I also enjoy them a lot.

What’s with the disparity?

The last two boxes. That’s right, the only things that stand between me and a sense of great satisfaction. Today is Monday, so it’s the “easy” puzzle of the week. I agree. 69 Across clues, 63 Down clues. I have two boxes left.

Now I could just hop on Google and figure this out in 2.1 seconds. But that’s cheating. I will feel no better finishing that way because quite frankly, that’s not finishing.

Usually it’s stuff that I feel OK about not knowing–french words, German authors, a Croatian prince, a 1932 Broadway play–things I’m aware I don’t know and can put the puzzle aside knowing that I did my best.

Today is not one of those days. 39 Down: Verb Type (abbr.). I should be all over that. No clue. 38 Across: Debra of “Love Me Tender”. No clue, though I feel as if this is someone I should have heard of. With what I’ve got around that, I’m pretty sure the box I’m missing is a vowel….but it could literally be any one of them. That makes me mad.

I will now spend the rest of the night, and a portion of tomorrow staring at these two boxes as they mock me and my inability to attack them with my pencil. Then I’ll cheat. Then tomorrow’s puzzle will cause me more anguish. In the words of Ren & Stimpy, Happy Happy Joy Joy.

Arbitrary things shouldn’t control us…right? I mean, there are so many decisions that end up as a slightly better than random solution, borderline complete guesses as to how the situation should be handled.

Take microwaves. These things are the king recipients of arbitrary decisions. Need to cook hot dogs? How about a minute. But when was the last time you stopped it at 2 seconds? No no, couldn’t possibly do that, what if they’re not done yet? You’ll never notice the difference.

If there’s one thing in this world that paaaaaaaains me to do, it’s setting a microwave for a “normal” time like 1 minute or 30 seconds. There’s no point. They may seem like nice correct numbers, but that hot dog cooks just as well at 29 seconds as it does at 32, let alone 30…so why not pick a number that’s more fun? Everyone does 30. 30 is easy. Branch out. Remember, you’re bigger than the microwave, and like computers, casts, small rocks and staplers, you should never lose to anything that is smaller than you.