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  • No Diving

    There may be nothing better in this universe than finishing a run on a ridiculously hot day and then jumping in a pool. It’s glorious.

    One downside is having to share pool space with kids who happen to also live in your apartment complex and by their very nature suck the relaxation out of the experience.

    But something strange is happening in the neighborhood. In the warm months leading up to the end of the school year, there were always kids at the pool. In fact, I rarely ventured up that way so that I could avoid the constant screaming and non-parental supervision madness.

    Now that school is out, you would expect the pool fiasco to only worsen. Yet for some reason, the kids have all disappeared. Maybe there’s a new Pokemon-type fad I’m not familiar with. Or perhaps they just don’t like the extra heat that Summer has so nicely provided.

    Today there were two children near the pool, in a picnic area just outside. It looked like one may be roughly 10 and the other about 6. The younger girl was sitting at a table looking miserable-as-can-be. The older girl was berating her about something. I didn’t stop to listen, a lot work remained to do in the pool.

    As my cooling-off ritual continued, so did the yelling from the older girl. She was probably babysitting the younger child, and reveling in her authority. Her style was borderline abusive, leading me to think about why people talk to others like that. Her mother probably spoke to her like that (it had that distinct overbearing mother sound).

    Just when I extremely disliked this older girl, she turned her power trip to something useful. The younger girl got up from the table and tossed her empty water bottle on the ground. That dirty litterer. The older girl sprang into action, chasing down her younger counterpart and yelling for her to “PUT YOUR DAMN BOTTLE IN THE TRASH!!!”

    The younger girl was obviously not a big fan of their relationship. She refused. The older girl spanked her. The centuries-old technique was effective and seconds later the bottle was placed in its rightful place. (Note: The rightful place would be a recycling bin, but our complex apparently does not believe in preserving the planet).

    Good thing there were no kids in the pool.

    July 14, 2008 kids running Uncategorized
  • Aiding Your Heroin Budget

    You know the economy is tight when seemingly every article you read is about how to weather the tough times. They give you tips on bettering your gas mileage, lowering your electric bill and how you can save at the grocery store.

    But we officially reached a tipping point. In this month’s issue of Money magazine there is the following headline: “New Ways To Save On Drugs.”

    Before they offered that page of advice, I had no idea how to get out from my crippling cocaine bill. And don’t even get me started on how heroin is killing budget this month. I might have to take out a loan just to keep the smack dealers from breaking my leg and stealing my iPod.

    In the magazine’s index, they give you little indication they’re actually talking about prescription drugs (a major disappointment). The article itself has a giant picture of legitimate-looking pills to dash your hopes once you get there.

    Just when I thought Money was only going to dash my hopes, it delivered something even better than drug advice on the very next page. They had a few paragraphs on a rather creepy service that allows you to send birthday cards with money to your grandchildren for their entire lives. Do the math, and you see that the only way for that to happen is for many of those gifts to arrive long after you’re dead. It’s called AfterThoughts Birthday Insurance, and costs at least $141 a year to guarantee a $100 check each year to your grandkid.

    Their Web site has a lovely testimonial-filled video about the wonders of the service. Definitely not for me, but it appears to make some odd people very happy.

    June 30, 2008 Uncategorized
  • At Home in the World

    Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped January 23, 2002 in Karachi, Pakistan. Days later he was beheaded by his captors. Because of his death, I read a great book this week–a collection of his work from the Journal.

    The clips date back to 1994, and strange as it is to believe, I was not a WSJ reader in the 4th grade. What’s great about Pearl’s work is that he had beats that sound very mundane, yet broke out of the expectations to report interesting stories. A writer covering air cargo and telecommunications penned stories about children’s beauty pageants, candy cane trucking controversies, Iraqi planes stuck in Iran and the power of pharmacists in India.

    Those are just the stories I marked, not encompassing the 8-year journey “At Home In The World” presents.

    Because of my love for candy canes, I was naturally drawn into a story about how they are transported. It started as part of an investigation into a now-defunct government agency that set trucking rates for different products. Basically truckers argued that candy canes should not be classified as candy because they take up more room. Candy makers fought to keep them as candy, ultimately losing their battle. The twist comes as the agency in charge of setting the rates actually had no real power to enforce them, and the truckers didn’t pay much attention to their work. The best quote, “If we’re not careful, the [truckers] will drag Santa Claus before the commission for transporting candy canes at the wrong rating.” Hopefully he’ll just get a slap on the wrist.

    Though the stories are anything but breaking news, there were some I had no idea about. Like the piece on Iraq demanding Iran return its planes. Apparently Iraq feared its arsenal would be destroyed in the first Gulf War and decided to try to stash them in Iran. Only when the war was over, Iran refused to allow Iraqi pilots to come and pick up the planes.

    And then there’s the health care system in India. The story was written as the country was on the verge of having to enact new standards. But at the time, pharmacists were the main way that many people got medical advice. They would go to the pharmacy, describe some symptoms, and walk away with some pills. The system apparently led to pharmacists being the target of deals from drug makers, like buy 7 of these and get 1 free. Drug makers say it was to protect their market share, while pharmacists could take advantage and boost their profit margins. The criticism is that often people with no medical training were dispensing drugs with no instructions on how to use them. The biggest problem being with antibiotics, as “patients” would take the drugs but not complete the full course. That has been blamed on increasingly resistant strains of deadly diseases like malaria. Again, who knew.

    Another interesting piece was on the “Saudization” of Saudi Arabia’s work force. The article says 6 out of every 7 service workers at the time were foreigners, and the government wanted to give the jobs to its own people. So they started training potential workers on an American-style work ethic so they would be capable of doing the job. The plan would also keep the current workers from renewing their VISAs, basically firing them all after a given period of time. Well there were some bumps along the way.

    One of the workers in the training program was 24-year-old Saleh Fatallah. “Mr. Fattalah tried out for the McDonald’s job. But when a McDonald’s customer spilled a cup of soda, Mr. Fatallah says he asked a Filipino worker to clean up; the worker told him to do it himself, and Mr. Fatallah refused. He didn’t get the job.” Whoops.

    I found the book after watching the movie “A Mighty Heart.” It takes you through the entire kidnapping and search for Pearl. I didn’t think much about those circumstances while reading the book. It’s broken up into sections with an introduction by a former colleague. She sets the stage of where Pearl was working at the time, gives anecdotes from co-workers, and describes some of the interesting stories behind the stories that led to Pearl’s writings.

    Only after I finished the book did I think about the unfortunate circumstances that are the only reason this text exists. If you’re at all interested in good journalism, or a greater perspective on our world, “At Home In The World” is a good place to start.

    Next up: “Everything Is Illuminated” by Jonathan Safran Foer.

    June 20, 2008 books Uncategorized
  • Remaking the Supreme Court

    The U.S. Supreme Court is easily the most interesting piece of the government. The historic nature of their opinions, the secretive nature of their deliberations and the appointment process all give the court a different feeling than other entities.

    But it’s time to shake things up. Well, maybe just a small change. We need to get rid of associate justice John Paul Stevens.

    He hasn’t committed any grand crimes against America (that I know of), nor have his opinion offended me beliefs. Rather, I just can’t remember the man. Whenever I read a story about the court, I always try to then name the nine justices to see if I can remember.

    Back in the day, roughly 2005, I could do that in my sleep. I was taking multiple classes where that was useful, everyday information and had no problem reeling them off. I could tell you which five were the conservatives and which were the liberals.

    Now things are a little fuzzy. Last night I read a story about the importance of this election, since five of the justices will be at least 70 years old on election day (a sixth being 69). That means a two term president would have a great chance at nominating several justices, with 88-year-old John Paul Stevens high on the list of possible retirees.

    So why not grease the wheels a bit and announce your retirement in August? There’s no way a new justice could be nominated and confirmed before the new president takes office. And that way I could just remember the new guy’s name, which will already be drilled into my head by the aforementioned confirmation process. Everybody wins. Well maybe just I do, but whatever.

    Supreme Court fun fact of the day: In the last 40 years, all but two appointments to the court have been made by Republican presidents.

    *Editor’s note: The Supreme Court fun fact of the day is a one-time occurrence and will not be seen again unless I come across another fun fact and feel the need to share it, thus necessitating the return of the Supreme Court fun fact of the day for another post that will feature yet another disclaimer letting you know that I don’t intend to keep up with such a thing since I’m pretty much lazy but if you know me then you already knew that.

  • That’s Just Not Thinking

    Gas is expensive. I think you’d have to be a 2-year-old living on an island by yourself with pieces of coconut stuck in your ears and a monkey holding its hand over your eyes to not know that.

    But for as much as people complain about the financial hardship, that doesn’t stop them from turning off the brain button.

    On my way home from work there must be a dozen gas stations. Most of them are spread out, with several of them having no competitors for half a mile. Then there are the groups where one is just a few blocks from another, or in one case, practically on the same lot.

    That is the site of some serious not-paying-attention-ness. The stations are divided by a very small street, which again makes them basically on the same lot. Driving home from work the other day, I noticed a few cars parked at one station, and just one car at the other.

    There are many possible reasons for the disparity. Those drivers may simply like that station better. It’s the second one they’d come to, so if they suddenly were reminded by the first station that they needed gas they would be more able to stop in time for the second one. Or perhaps the price was just a penny better, drawing in a crowd from the station next door. It’s in that last situation that you wonder why the guy next door doesn’t just drop his gas by a cent and decide to compete.

    But what if the difference was more like 24 cents? That’s right, 24 cents. Station A was selling for $4.20 with Station B offering the same product at $3.96. Um, no-brainer right? Well not for that one guy happily pumping away at Station A. He didn’t appear to be driving a Hummer or a Mercedes, so I can’t assume he just has loads of extra cash maybe to burn.

    Perhaps he just felt bad for the guy at Station A who probably didn’t have a single customer to keep him company all day. Poor guy. Maybe I should have swung in for some ridiculously overpriced fuel action. Maybe next time. Or I could just spend those extra few bucks on something useful, like a couple of Cheesy Gordita Crunches. Mmmm.

  • The Results, Please

    I’m a big fan of reading the results of random studies. These are things nobody should spend time on, but end up answering some of life’s great questions.

    Possessing a somewhat random mind at times—especially while driving—I sometimes ponder issues we really don’t need answers to. Today’s desire for statistical analysis involves car accidents.

    Today while I was driving home from work I passed an intersection with a car exactly like mine—same model, year and color. That got me thinking about how often the exact same cars end up in a crash. Like you’d call the insurance company and really exasperate the agent when they asked for the details on your car, and then the other car.

    “Mine’s a 2005 silver Toyota Camry.”
    “Ok, great. And the other driver’s?”
    “Yeah he was driving a 2005 silver Toyota Camry.”
    “No, I got yours, what was the other guy driving?”
    “A 2005 silver Toyota Camry.”
    “Yes. I know that’s what you drive. I see it on my computer. I heard you say it. I wrote it down. What. Type. Of. Car. Was. The. Other. Guy. In. When. He. Slammed. Into. Your. 2005. Toyota. Camry?”
    “A 2005 silver Toyota Camry.”
    “What is the name of the guy playing first base?”
    “Who.”
    “The guy playing first!!!!”

    It seems logical that it would happen most often with the best-selling cars in any particular area. But it would be a fascinating study to examine. Maybe the drivers of that best-selling car are a safer group than the general population, and those cars rarely hit each other. Maybe there’s a certain color that perks up the drivers, making them less likely their brethren.

    I bet thousands of researchers have started this study, only to have the auto lobby shut them down for fear of branding a certain car incredibly likely to attack its own.

    If not, someone should really put in the effort, and that someone should definitely not be me. Just be sure so send me the results. Please.

    June 12, 2008 nerdness Uncategorized
  • Beautifully Lazy

    Ten pages in I was cursing F. Scott Fitzgerald. I remember really enjoying The “Great Gatsby,” and coupled with a recommendation from a friend I had high hopes.

    Sitting in the blazing afternoon sun while trying to get the reading project back on track, all I could think about was Hemingway’s “A Farewell To Arms.” I hated that book from the beginning and don’t think there’s any way I’ll be dipping in the Hemingway pool again.

    “The Beautiful And Damned” took a different course, suddenly becoming a very engaging read after the initial drudgery with which it began. I was later reminded by The Recommender that she had warned me about the slow start. I think she made that up.

    The overall tone brought back memories of Oscar Wilde, with a number of characters you don’t necessarily like but still want to follow. They begin young and idealistic without the day-to-day worry of being concerned with money. The protagonist, Anthony, is little concerned about his eventual inheritance from his aging grandfather. It’s only a matter of time in his mind that a heart will stop beating and he can go cash a check.

    Unfortunately for Anthony, he doesn’t quite get to Plan B. I mean, if you see millions of dollars “surely” in your future, who wants to get a job? It must have been so awful being an aristocrat in those days. It’s certainly no fun to not have to work if you can’t sit around and play video games on your giant HD television. All they could do was have nightly drunk-off-their-face parties and spend the days recovering. Who needs a job when you could just do that?

    If only he had found a wife who had a bit more drive: “I just want to be lazy and I want some of the people around me to be doing things, because that makes me feel comfortable and safe–and I want some of them to be doing nothing at all, because they can be graceful and companionable for me.”

    That sounds like she wouldn’t much mind if her husband actually went out and worked for a living. Unless of course she wanted him to be in the group of doing nothing. Asked if she approved of lazy men, she said, “I suppose so, if they’re gracefully lazy.”

    Now gracefully lazy is something I could get into. Just have to find a couple million dollars to cover my Taco Bell trips and child support payments. I mean, Taco Bell trips and um, miscellaneous expenditures. Yeah, we’ll go with that.

    Anthony, emboldened by his wife’s enabling shows some true entrepreneurial spirit and does…nothing. Oh and then he blames her, because after all it’s definitely her fault. “As a matter of fact I think that if I hadn’t met you I would have done something,” he said. “But you make leisure so subtly attractive.”

    She completely derailed his career of pretending like he was going to do something, instead leaving him with just doing nothing. If Fitzgerald were writing today, the two wouldn’t be addicted to laziness. Rather they’d be going through rehab for their codependent meth addictions, and failing miserably at that.

    Should I be worried that I was completely into characters with those traits? I think I’ll go check myself into rehab as a precaution. I don’t want this to be a gateway book. But hey, if you’re looking for some “good stuff,” you might want to give it a shot. Just remember the first 10 pages are a bear, and don’t say I didn’t warn you.

    Hugs not drugs.

    Next up: “At Home In The World: Collected writings of Daniel Pearl”

    June 10, 2008 books Uncategorized
  • Um, Numbnut?

    If you missed the Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee, you are a complete loser. I mean, what else could you have possibly been doing on a Friday night than watching smart kids spell hard words on ABC?

    Oh, right.

    Well some of us did watch, and were treated to one of the greatest moments in television when one of the spellers almost attempted the word “numbnut.” Not antidisestablishmentarianism, or even verisimilitude, but numbnut.

    The judge actually asked the 13-year-old eventual winner to spell “numnah.” But the way he said left the crowd in chuckles and the kid mightily confused. The YouTube video is the only way to do it justice. And yes, you will watch it multiple times.

    I think I’ve written this before in this space, but I still find it a bit odd that Candadians are allowed in the national spelling bee. I know it’s America Jr. and all, but perhaps the organizers should check out a map before next year’s competition and tighten things up. It’s one thing if our powerhouse basketball team doesn’t win Olympic gold, but imagine national shame if we can’t even win our own spelling bee.

    I also stumbled across two videos that would have made my week were it not for the numbnut kid. I’ll digress for a second now that I think of the speller a few years ago who did a Napoleon Dynamite impression and became famous for that. This poor kid is sure to be called numbnut for a good portion of his high school years. Oh well.

    Anyway, the first is one I saw a while back but neglected to bookmark. It’s easily the most entertaining segment ever on The Price Is Right (which is saying a lot). Watch as this guy either shows the world’s worst short-term memory or, well, I’m not sure how to explain what happens other than Bob Barker wants to shoot him.

    And a crazy video the description says is out of Japan. If you’ve ever been on a crowded subway car and thought it sucked, um, don’t go to this place.

    Book report coming shortly…got slightly off track for a few weeks but I’m rolling again!

    June 2, 2008 Uncategorized
  • He Needs to Find Employment

    Most people need jobs. In our economic system, the best way to secure the funds necessary for food and shelter is to perform a service in exchange for money.

    Some members of families don’t have to work because at least one person is bringing in enough cheese to cover the rest. Or for the rich or retired, they just happen to have enough money to sustain themselves for an appropriate period of time.

    Chris Henry should fall into that last group. He’s a professional football player who has collected a good amount of cash over the last few years playing for the Cincinnati Bengals. Of course that was before he was arrested multiple times and eventually kicked off the team.

    A judge says he “obviously needs to find employment,” and thus the court is going to give him “some latitude” on his current house arrest.

    In his latest scrape with the law, Henry is facing charges for assault and criminal damaging from an incident where police say he punched a student in the head and damaged the man’s car. This is the same guy who was suspended for eight NFL games last season because of his previous arrests.

    Definitely sounds like someone who deserves “latitude.” I’ve never been to Henry’s home, but I’m guessing he’s probably doing OK for himself. I imagine there are more than a few people in the United States who could get by with the resources he has on hand, without bringing in new paychecks.

    We really should be giving leeway to someone who served a combined two days in jail for multiple gun charges–including assault with a firearm–providing alcohol to minors, multiple traffic offenses and drug possession. Yeah that’s a guy who needs special treatment from the criminal justice system.

    Maybe we should give a hand to some other people looking for jobs, those who don’t have a history of criminal activity and haven’t been given multiple chances to learn what it means to be a productive member of society.

    May 8, 2008 football Uncategorized
  • Call Now!!!

    One of the perks of my job is the ability to be awake and sitting in a place full of TVs while most of the sane world is asleep.

    Wait that’s not really a perk. Scratch that. Because I’m awake at a time when virtually everyone is asleep, the programming on TV when I’m at work is an interesting sort. Some play movies you have forgotten about (and rightly so), while others let you take a trip into the glories of your childhood with gems like Full House, The Cosby Show and Home Improvement.

    The rest just play informercials, which can be quite a source of entertainment when you are sleep-deprived. There’s the guy selling his book on how you can eschew modern medicine and cure just about anything by changing your diet. He’s traveled the world and interviewed more than 5,000 medical professionals, doing the legwork so you can just get the book for a better life.

    I caught a new one this weekend for a guy selling knives. It was visually the most spectacular bit of television I’ve ever seen. It was a close-up shot of a spinning table packed with 10 different pocket knives. And that’s it. You never see the guy, or even a different angle of the knives. Just the set spinning around and around and around. But it was this guy’s passion for the product that really set this one apart. He kept describing how exremely rare each knife was.

    “This one right here, that I know of, there were only like 2,000 of them made. Well that I know of,” he says. I can think of a lot of things that I’ve made only once. That doesn’t mean you want to get out your credit card and BUY NOW!!!!! But hey, maybe I’m just not enough of a knife enthusiast to understand that particular one.

    Now Dr. Ho’s Neck Comforter, that’s a product I can get behind. If you were to think of the the most stereotypical infomercial with cheesy assistants asking clearly scripted questions, this one is for you. I’ve only seen it a couple of times, but it’s truly remarkable. It looks like a travel neck pillow, but once you have it on, you push a button to inflate the pillow.

    It’s supposed to take the pressure off your neck (apparently by trying to remove that pesky head from your body). It also looks like something Dr. Ho made in his basement in about a half-hour. If you can find it in your local listings, I suggest you try it.

    Otherwise, just check out this video. It’s pretty much the same idea, just with a weight loss product and me as your host.

    April 28, 2008 television Uncategorized
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