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  • 30 Jul

    A Writer By Another Picture

    Knowing the sound of an author’s voice can completely change your reading experience.

    I just polished off David Sedaris’ “When You Are Engulfed In Flames,” a book I read entirely with his voice running through my head. Sedaris is a sort-of frequent contributor to Chicago Public Radio’s “This American Life” and thus I have heard his very distinct voice many times.

    It was a bit jarring that from the very first paragraph it was as if I was listening to a book on tape. The way he punctuates the paragraphs led me through each sentence just the way he would speak it. It made me read slower, sitting over certain words and phrases and putting in pauses where he would have taken a breath between sentences.

    It reminded me of an episode of Seinfeld where George says he can’t read because the voice in his head is too annoying. He then buys a popular book in the audio format, only to find that the narrator has the same annoying voice.

    I didn’t mind this experience so much. What I did find odd about Sedaris’ voice is that he looks nothing like I would have expected. Click on any of the stories on this page to hear his voice.

    Before I looked up his picture, I always envisioned he looked something like this.

    In reality, he looks like this.

    Before finding I was so very wrong, I actually thought I had a pretty good ability to translate a voice into an image. If there were records kept in this area, I would have been undefeated after hearing WAMU radio host Kojo Nnamdi and NPR’s Diane Rehm. They look exactly as I pictured them.

    Okay, back to a few points about the book itself. It is a collection of anecdotes that doesn’t have a plot, yet the pieces do combine to give a sort of rounded-out picture. If you have heard his “This American Life” stuff, expect much of the same.

    Early on he is talking about being at a house in Paris with some family. There is a conversation about accusing his sister of “wanting to be French.” Her husband interjects that they are in fact from the United States.

    “‘Americans,’ he repeated. ‘We don’t live in France, we live in Virginia. Vienna, Virginia. Got it?’ I looked at this guy and knew for certain that if we’d met at a party he’d claim to live in Washington, D.C. Ask for a street address, and he’d look away mumbling, ‘Well, just outside D.C.'”

    If you are from the D.C. area, you know this dance all too well. I went to college in Pennsylvania and used the phrase “just outside D.C.” more times that I could begin to count. No one knows where Vienna is, even though it is home to the high school of such noted alumni as myself, my brother and even my sister. “Just outside D.C.” is close enough.

    Sedaris later talks about his own time living in France, during which he became fond of the spiders living in his house. He took interest in every aspect of their lives, particularly the main female, April (he named all of them).

    “Why Marty or Curtis or Big Chief Tommy didn’t mate with April is a mystery, and I put it on a list beside other nagging questions, such as ‘What was Jesus like as a teenager?’ and ‘Why is it you never see a baby squirrel?'”

    I understand that many of you have only read the blog since it moved to this location. But those who were around in the MySpace blog days (or read the archives I copied over) know that I agonized over the squirrel question myself. You can read my take here.

    The last chunk of the book is about his quest to quit smoking. Naturally he gives a detailed description of what different cigarette brands say about a person and describes his chosen brand (Kools). I don’t know anything about cigarettes, so I appreciated his efforts to educate those in the same boat.

    “For those who don’t smoke, a mild or light cigarette is like a regular one with a pinhole in it. With Kools it’s the difference between being kicked by a donkey and being kicked by a donkey that has socks on.”

    Now that is a description you don’t hear very often.

    I know I have written before about my affinity for John Steinbeck’s writing and his evocative descriptions of settings. He has a knack for putting you in the story, making you feel the sunshine and the breeze blowing through the trees.

    Today, Sedaris made me smell a cigarette. I have been around enough smokers in my life to have a thorough knowledge of the various smells. But right now I life in a pretty smoke-free area and can’t recall the last time I had those aromas flowing through my nose. And then I read:

    “Sitting there in that hot little room, I wished I’d taken the advice of my friend Janet, who filled a baby food jar with an inch of water and a half-dozen butts. This she carried around in her purse, and whenever she wanted a cigarette, she’d just unscrew the lid and take a whiff of what even the most enthusiastic smoker has to admit is pretty damn nasty.”

    Now I make no judgment about smoking — if you want to, knock yourself out. In the experience of being lost in this text, this section immediately brought that smell to my nose even though there is no cigarette anywhere near where I was sitting.

    It was a really strange experience, but like the book, one that I found very interesting.

    By cjhannas books Uncategorized
  • 29 Jul

    Put a Smile on Your Face

    It’s always nice to start someone else’s day by putting a smile on their face.

    This morning I got to see such a smile twice as I made my way home from work. I walked into the Metro parking garage with my iPod blaring and just a short drive standing between me and some much needed sleep.

    As I got closer to my car on the first level, I saw a car slowly creeping past the rows. If you have ever been to a mall, you know exactly what I’m talking about. The driver is in a quest for the perfect space, even though the odds suggest they won’t find it here. They should really be up on the fourth level since this prime real estate filled up two hours ago.

    But this young woman was in luck. She happened to come into the garage just as someone was going home from work at 8:45 a.m.

    About five seconds after I first spotted her, she came to a stop. She looked at me hoping I was actually there to retrieve a car and not just cutting through the garage on my way to somewhere else on foot. Lacking a better way to communicate, I simply pointed in the direction of my car and gave her a nod.

    Smile number one.

    It took me another 20 seconds or so to actually get to the car. Then in the process of fumbling for my keys and taking off my backpack while still listening to the iPod, I got the headphones tangled in the backpack. Another 15 seconds of getting myself free from that web and I was able to vacate the now-coveted space.

    As I drove by she gave me a wave and what was easily the biggest smile I had seen all day. Granted, I had not seen many people, and most that I did see were on the train on their way to work. But whatever.

    My last post featured some sort of vague promise about posting yesterday, but working overnights really scrambles your concept of days/time so I’ll just say this is close enough. An example of the craziness — It’s slightly before 10 a.m. and I just had a bowl of cereal for “breakfast,” and will now be going to bed.

    Good Mornight.

    By cjhannas metro Uncategorized
  • 27 Jul

    New Features

    I’ll have an actual post tomorrow, but I wanted to take a minute to point out a new addition to the blog format.

    If you look at the bottom of each post, there is a set of five little icons to the right of the comment link. These buttons allow you to quickly and easily share a particular post through a number of popular services you probably already use.

    When you read something you want to pass on, you can (from left to right): email it, blog it, tweet it, share it on Facebook or share it with Google Buzz.

    Also note that the main cjhannas.blogspot.com address brings you to the home page, where you can see the last 10 posts (and at the bottom of each set you can go to the next 10 “Older Posts”). If you want to be more specific, each post gets its own link, which can easily be accessed by clicking on the titles in the archive section on the right side of the page.

    By cjhannas Uncategorized
  • 24 Jul

    Miracle Marshmallows and Silly Bandz Silliness

    A completely random choice of aisles at Target completely changed my life today. At least, for a limited time.

    I was on my way to pick up some juice and needed to cut through an aisle to get there. I could have picked any of a dozen different routes, but the one I chose took my past a miracle $0.96 product that is truly revolutionary: chocolate swirl marshmallows.

    My first thought upon seeing such a culinary masterpiece was that I had to have some. My second thought was why it took until 2010 for such a thing to exist. I mean, nobody in their right mind could walk past this:

    Two fun flavors in one! The bag does not lie, these things are delicious. But notice in the top-left corner it says “Limited Edition!” While I applaud their enthusiasm with the exclamation point, I do not like the message. Just when we get this miracle product, the fine people at Kraft are already threatening to take it away.

    Crying shame.

    In an unrelated note, I realized today that I forgot another important part of my conversation with 7-year-old Ellie from the weekend. If you didn’t read about the enlightening encounter with a creative kid, you can find it here (or just scroll down, it’s only two posts ago).

    I left out our discussion of kid-craze Silly Bandz. For those of you who are not in the know, they are fancy rubber bands that kids go nuts about. They come in all kinds of colors and themes and are often traded. Some schools have banned them, probably on grounds that they are somehow distracting to the educational mission or some crazy adult reason like that.

    Anywho. Ellie has 78 of them. Or 73. No 78. No, it’s 68. I’m not sure we ever settled on a final number. But she was very clear that she wears five — and only five — at one time. I am sad to report that I did not get a reason for the number. It seems like the kind of thing that would be mom-imposed as a way to keep all 68 (or so) from being worn at one time.

    That would just be silly.

  • 20 Jul

    Helping LiLo

    Everyone needs someone in their corner, and with Lindsay Lohan going to jail today, she clearly needs some love.

    I would like to announce that I am ready to serve my country by becoming the Lindsay Lohan Reclamation Czar (LiLoRC). After all, we have czars for just about everything else: Af-Pak, AIDS, TARP, copyright, drugs, Gitmo and weatherization to name a few.

    I can think of few more worthy causes that would enhance the United States at home and abroad than seeing LiLo return to her status as a promising actress. We are a nation of forgiveness and second chances that likes to see people bounce back from hardship (see: Downey Jr., Robert), and her case should be no different.

    Lindsay only has a 90-day sentence in a women’s prison before she is released back to the real world. Analysts say she may serve more like three weeks because of the minor nature of her crime (probation violation) and the overcrowding in California’s jails.

    That doesn’t leave us much time to get her on the right path. She has a family, but let’s face it, they haven’t been the most stable influence in her life. Her dad is celebrating Lindsay’s jailing by going on Larry King Live tonight. What a guy.

    I feel I am uniquely qualified to help because we have so much in common. She is an actress who has appeared in such classics as “Mean Girls” and “Herbie Fully Loaded.” I have seen “Mean Girls” and “Herbie Fully Loaded.” She became famous at age 11 for appearing in “The Parent Trap.” I was also once 11 years old. She dated “That ’70s Show” actor Wilmer Valderrama. I dated “That ’70s Show” actress Mila Kunis.

    Okay, that last one didn’t happen. Yet.

    It seems like the popular thing on blogs, Facebook and Twitter right now is to hate on Lindsay and wish her some sort of “good riddance.” But what good does that do us? Wouldn’t it be better in the end if we had a 24-year-old who felt supported by the world and could make a positive use of her talents?

    That’s where the LiLoRC comes in. All I need is a conversation with Lindsay and everything will be alright.

    By cjhannas Uncategorized
  • 19 Jul

    Lessons From a Little Girl

    There is a lot you can learn from a 7-year-old.

    My education came over the weekend while at a family gathering in Virginia Beach. A good-sized group from my dad’s side of the family is enjoying a week there, complete with some of his cousins and their kids.

    Sunday night we shared a nice meal at a local pizza place, where I sat next to my second cousin, Ellie. She is happy to tell you about a lot of things in our world, and even some that may only occur in hers.

    We were facing a television that was mounted in one corner of the restaurant, and a somewhat new commercial starring Julia Stiles came on. Ellie was quick to tell me that Ms. Stiles was wearing too much eyeshadow. Now I know.

    She also went into great detail about just the right amount of lemonade to sip at one time. You don’t want too much, of course. That would result in too much sugar and wouldn’t taste right. Then again, you don’t want too little, lest you not get enough flavor. So enjoy your lemonade in moderation — it is the best drink ever made.

    You may not be aware, but I also have magic skills. They are not as advanced as Ellie’s, but they are there nonetheless. I am only at Level 1 (I don’t know how many levels there are, I’ll have to check), while she is an advanced Level 3. Apparently you can go up to the next level on your birthday, but sometimes you aren’t ready and have to wait until next year. I will be interested to see what happens in August, though I may not have been practicing enough to get a magic promotion.

    If you need to work on your skills, you can always go to Magic School. Ellie told me her uncle has been to such a school (her dad told me the uncle can do some magic tricks). I said maybe I could go to an online program, though I wasn’t sure if such a thing existed. Ellie said that was okay, I could always start one of my own and call it MagicSchool.com. I am sad to report that such a site already exists.

    I understand that you may doubt our magic ability. But I ask to you consider the following: We became slightly impatient about getting our food, so we decided to use the magic to make it arrive at our table. We “warmed up” our magic, closed our fists, and on the count of three we opened our hands in the direction of the kitchen. Not one minute later, several pizzas were placed right in front of us. (In fairness, the waiter had just come by and put the little elevated stands that hold the pizza, so it’s possible the pizzas would have come anyway).

    She went to the restroom at one point and asked if I could watch her drink — “Make sure NOBODY messes with it!” Naturally I moved it to a different table, and she asked what happened to it. I said that an elf came and stole it. She said she didn’t believe me. Then she quickly decided she had in fact seen the elf run by while she was gone. I wanted to make sure we were talking about the same elf, so I asked her to describe it. It was pretty much like a typical leprechaun, except he was wearing a red suit along with a red hat with a big white feather in it. The elf has many of the exact same hat, though he has one — just one — that has a black feather. He wears that one for special occasions.

    That, my friends, is what you can learn from a 7-year-old during just one meal.


    Ellie and I after dinner

    I always find it interesting to experience something and then read an article or part of a book soon afterwards that directly speaks to that experience. The day after this enlightening meal I read the cover story from last week’s issue of Newsweek called “The Creativity Crisis.”

    The story is a bit long, but if you spend any time around kids or creative people, you should find it to be pretty interesting. The basic argument is that kids today are not as creative, owing to more time in front of video screens and less time figuring out ways to amuse themselves.

    Part of the article talks about the different phases that creative kids go through in their development.

    “In middle childhood, kids sometimes create paracosms — fantasies of entire alternative worlds. Kids revisit their paracosms repeatedly, sometimes for months, and even create languages spoken there. This type of play peaks at age 9 or 10, and it’s a very strong sign of future creativity. A Michigan State University study of MacArthur ‘genius award’ winners found a remarkably high rate of paracosm creation in their childhoods.”

    Ellie and I first discussed our magic abilities a year ago during a rousing bocce ball match at my parents’ house. I am pretty sure we conjured our way to victory.

    If she goes on to invent something amazing, you heard it here first.

    By cjhannas family kids Uncategorized
  • 16 Jul

    Animals in Charge

    George Orwell’s “Animal Farm” was first published in 1946, and was seen at the time as a commentary on Stalinist Russia.

    Today it offers a look into other totalitarian regimes, as well as one tremendous way we could improve the political system in the United States. There are not many lawmakers in the U.S. who do much that is drastically different from their peers, which results in year after year of seemingly similar results.

    Napoleon the pig offers a strategy I would love to see implemented on the Senate floor as he and a rival pig argue about the merits of building a windmill on the farm. His opponent has drawn a complex set of plans that sits on the floor of a shed. Napoleon enters.

    “He walked heavily round the shed, looked closely at every detail of the plans and snuffed at them once or twice, then stood for a little while contemplating them out of the corner of his eye; then suddenly he lifted his leg, urinated over the plans, and walked out without uttering a word.”

    Now that is politics at its best. Of course in the Stalinist style of government, Napoleon later became the leader and claimed that he was in favor of the windmill all along.

    Orwell said himself that his writing was always directed against totalitarianism. “‘Animal Farm’ was the first book in which I tried, with full consciousness of what I was doing, to fuse political purpose and artistic purpose into one whole.”

    If you close your eyes, so to speak (hard to read if you actually do it), you can forget about any comparisons to Communist Russia, or current day North Korea and Iran, and see the artistic beauty of a story about animals overthrowing their masters to take responsibility for their own lives. Of course, you can’t keep those blinders on for long as the comparisons fly off of every page.

    After years of Napoleon’s rule, the farm has less food than ever and has an overpopulation of pigs (the ruling class) and dogs (the security force). Orwell describes the pigs, especially Napoleon and his main deputy, as fat while the other animals are struggling to eat. Of course this comes as the pigs convince the other animals that there is no food shortage and that, in fact, there has never been more food at the farm.

    Sound like any current nation to you?

    By cjhannas books Uncategorized
  • 14 Jul

    Train Moving Forward

    Sometimes it’s the small things in life that keep you going. Other times, it’s the really small things that give you a boost.

    Coming back on the Metro always ends my day with a smile, and not just because I am close to being home. There is a point at which the train stops halfway down the platform, for just a few moments, before continuing on to the end of the platform.

    Hopefully you can appreciate the amount of time I spent on the above illustration.

    The people on the platform waiting to get on the train are always thrown off by the fake stop action. If they ride Metro often enough they should know that right now trains are being operated manually and always stop at the end of the platform.

    And yet, day after day, the train comes to that initial stop and everyone lines up at the doors as if they are about to open. There is little that is more entertaining than seeing the confused looks on their faces as the train pulls away toward the end of the track. It is as if the train has rejected them as passengers, deeming them unfit to make the ride.

    Fortunately for them, trains don’t think that way. At least, I hope they don’t.

    By cjhannas metro Uncategorized
  • 10 Jul

    REALLY?!?

    In case you were wondering, I am alive.

    After the whirlwind month of blogging that was June a few (or 9) days off were definitely needed. Add in that I was also changing jobs and I’m sure you can understand the lack of posts to begin July.

    But I bring you great entertainment to get things jumping again. While at the new-ish job today, a co-worker brought my attention to a reporter in Arkansas who made a really poor career choice. I don’t mean poor like he showed up to work without a shirt on or spelled something wrong on air.

    No, he and a few of the people at his station made a pair of videos mocking their profession and posted them on YouTube. Oh, and they made them at the station. With station equipment. And used a lot of profanity while also clearly making fun of people in their market.

    The videos have been removed from YouTube, but fortunately we live in a world in which nothing can really disappear. The website ArkansasBusiness.com has the full story as well as the videos.

    If you are the news director at this station, the crew did you a tremendous favor. It is pretty clear within the first 20 seconds or so that you have no choice but to fire them. If you are one of the reporters involved, how can you not know that project is going to end badly? It’s not like you made an off-the-cuff comment. You spent a lot of time conceiving, shooting and editing two videos over the course of several weeks.

    Now the question for them is what happens next. Any news director with a pulse is going to google their names if they apply for another job, and the story about them getting fired is going to be high on the list of results. Though if I were in charge of hiring at a station I would definitely call them in for an interview. Then I would do my best Seth Meyers impersonation — look them square in the eye and say, “REALLY?!?”

    By cjhannas Uncategorized
  • 30 Jun

    Six Years Ago Today

    Today is a pretty big day for me. It is my 30th consecutive day of blogging, the last day at my part-time video job and the sixth anniversary of a great relationship with Altima.

    Of course, Altima is my car, which I bought on this day in 2004. When I rolled off the lot, the car had a whopping nine miles on the odometer, most of which came during my test drive. I remember the instant peace of mind that came from trading in my dying 1993 Pontiac Grand Am for the gleaming Nissan goodness.

    Here’s what I looked like that day in my family’s standard driveway car picture:

    Note the tucked-in blue polo and khaki shorts, which indicate that I was either on my way to or from a shift selling shoes at Galyan’s. My brother’s red SUV with 18 bajillion miles on it is down at the street.

    Strangely enough, all of my life journeys since that day six years ago have covered exactly 49,994 miles. I was doing a lot of math on my way to work yesterday trying to see if there was any chance I would get home today at the 50,000 mark. I think this is pretty close (remember I started at 00009):

    During the past six years I moved six times, lived in four states (Pennsylvania, Virginia, Maryland, Florida), had six employers, was called a nerd on live TV (for my Rubik’s skillz, thanks Rebecca!), ran a marathon and three half marathons, owned two different cell phones and two different laptops, attended five family weddings (cousin, aunt, brother, sister, cousin), and ate countless meals at Taco Bell.

    Altima also acquired two bees in that span of time. They are both located in the bottom left corner of the back window, just an inch or so apart. Strangely though, one of them has been there since the first week I owned the car and the other just appeared sometime last year.

    You can’t quite see them here, but they are just below the stickers:

    A closer look at the peacefully resting bees:

    I tried several times to get the first one (left) out with a vacuum and other implements, but to no avail. At this point, they are really a part of the car’s ambiance. I mean, if things get lonely on a road trip I can always talk to the bees.

    That brings the June Blogoganza to a close. Hopefully someone enjoyed me posting that much, though I apologize for the days I clearly had nothing to write about (and wanted dearly to skip). Definitely not writing anything tomorrow, so you’ll just have to occupy yourself with the archives. Hasta luego.

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