Our brains make weird connections to things.

Last night, I was watching the Nationals play the Padres, and Nats outfielder Bryce Harper hit a double.  This is not a novel occurrence and in most instances would have resulted in nothing but normal, baseball-rooting delight.

But then the camera cut to him standing up from his slide into second base, standing there helmetless with a faraway stare, and for some reason that reminded my brain of a cologne ad:

How long until Bryce ends up in a Giorgio Armani cologne commercial?
— Chris Hannas (@cjhannas) April 25, 2014

In case your brain isn’t recalling what I’m talking about, it’s one of these:

And to bring this all full circle, naturally I had to take time this morning to fully realize my Bryce vision:

I’ll see myself out.

Nationals fans, we have a problem.  Or at least, we have the ability to improve.

Outfielder Jayson Werth has been using the Dave Matthews song “Warehouse” as one of his walkup ditties since at least last season, and I feel those at Nats Park are missing a golden opportunity to make it a little more personal.

In the same way everyone jumped on the “Take On Me” bandwagon and had a blast supporting Michael Morse coming to the plate, I think we can change up the way we respond to “Warehouse.”

Crowds everywhere wait for the little break in the guitar and yell, “WOOOO!”  Like this:

But you know what is almost like WOOOO?  WERTH!  My brother and I have been waging a low-level campaign for a while, which honestly is just the two of us doing it and jokingly lamenting that no one else is.

So consider this my plea to the rest of you.  When you’re at a Dave concert or the Verizon Center or Starbucks, by all mean WOOOO to your heart’s content.  But when it’s Werth striding toward the batter’s box, can we get a WERTH?

And since I already mentioned “Take On Me” I would be remiss not to advocate that we completely move on from that one.  Please?

The Washington Nationals have a drone flying over their spring training facility, which they claim is being used to capture photos and video.

Well, technically it is.  The images the Nats have shared so far are pretty cool:

Here’s the video:

But no matter what the Nats say, I know why they have a quadcopter patrolling the sky.  In response to an incident last year, management has employed this piece of technology to protect center fielder Denard Span.

As told in this video from the Washington Post, the team was taking batting practice when an osprey dropped a fish next to Span, who says he is afraid of both birds and fish:

After a disappointing 2013 season, the front office clearly is doing everything it can to make sure 2014 is more successful.  That starts with players being able to focus on baseball, and not threats from the sky.

The drone may have a GoPro on board, but don’t for a second think it isn’t ready to fire warning shots at any wayward birds that threaten the skies above Space Coast Stadium.

If you want to make money betting on baseball next season, keep track of how the Washington Nationals do in the first few games I attend.  If they win a few, bet on them to lose.  If they lose a few, bet on some wins.

Why?  Because during the 2013 season, the Nats went 11-11 with me in attendance.  You might think that’s a small sample size, so let’s expand it.  In 2012, the Nats went 10-10 with me in attendance.  Not satisfied yet?  Fine.  In 2011, the Nats went 7-7 with me in attendance.

That’s three seasons, 49 games, and a perfect .500 record.  Of course I know this because I’m a nerd and have a spreadsheet with data on virtually every major sporting event I’ve attended in my life:

This season was certainly a disappointment for the Nationals, who missed the playoffs by a few games after winning their division last year.  But they were still playing baseball, and a season at the park with my mom and brother was a great time.  We saw Stephen Strasburg and Dan Haren pitch five times each, with sometimes frustrating results, but were also treated to a few surprisingly positive starts by Ross Ohlendorf and six games with the amazing Jordan Zimmermann.

Zimmermann is one of my favorite Nats both for the way he just goes about his business and also the pace at which he works.  A game with him on the mound is much more likely to be over in 2.5 hours than 3.5.  This year we saw him pitch two complete shutouts in which he gave up a combined three hits.

There were also some pretty crazy things that happened at our games.

Opening Day brought a pair of home runs by young star Bryce Harper.  It’s a shame he got hurt early in the year because he was about as locked in as a hitter can be.  Hopefully next season he won’t run into any fences.

Near the end of an 11-inning game in June, I began noticing smoke wafting in from across the stadium.  It was the kind of thing you see sometimes from the restaurants behind right field, but not at that point in the night.  Then there was what I can best describe as a loud electrical “zoink” noise with an accompanying flash of fire.  A bank of lights had shorted out, sending entire sections of people rushing to relocate.

In early August, the analog clock next to the scoreboard began malfunctioning, sometimes freezing, sometimes going super fast and other times going backwards.  Naturally I began documenting the saga on Twitter, part of which ended up in a Washington Post article:

Side story of this #Nats game: the clock  next to the video board is going CRAZY fast
— Chris Hannas (@cjhannas) August 9, 2013

Real-time that inning took 10 minutes. #NatsClock said an hour and 15 minutes. #Nats
— Chris Hannas (@cjhannas) August 9, 2013

#NatsClock now slowly going backwards. #Nats
— Chris Hannas (@cjhannas) August 10, 2013

#NatsClock froze at 3:43 before going forward again. I feel like there’s a secret message in there. #Nats
— Chris Hannas (@cjhannas) August 10, 2013

#NatsClock really moving again. That half-inning took 3 mins, clock said 23. #Nats
— Chris Hannas (@cjhannas) August 10, 2013

#NatsClock stuck again…but the #Nats scored 4 so 4:15 is apparently a good tme for them to hit http://t.co/BvJLy2YhMs
— Chris Hannas (@cjhannas) August 10, 2013

Scratch that theory. #NatsClock still says 4:15, but no runs for the #Nats that inning.
— Chris Hannas (@cjhannas) August 10, 2013

Another inning stuck at 4:15 and no runs for the #Nats. Everyone please pray for #NatsClock.
— Chris Hannas (@cjhannas) August 10, 2013

In case you were concerned, the clock was fixed in time for our next game.

In September, we saw something I didn’t know was possible.  Braves pitcher Alex Wood was upset about a pitch he thought was a strike and the umpire called a ball.  He expressed that frustration.  His manager brought in a new pitcher because of the game situation.  The moment Wood handed over the ball and began walking off the mound, he SCREAMED at the umpire, who then gave the ejection sign.  So a player who had already been taken out of the game was thrown out of the game.  Fun times!

Speaking of fun, one of the great things about working overnights not far from Nats Park is that I can just go in a little early and catch the bulk of a game if I want to.  One night Zimmermann was pitching against Giants starter Tim Lincecum, who is someone I’ve always thought was cool to watch but had never seen in person.  So the day of the game, I grabbed a $15 ticket online for a decent seat on the lower level and got to see most of that matchup.  Of course since I had to leave early I did miss Denard Span make probably the catch of the season to save a win for the Nats.

I also enjoy when we get to see players make their Major League debuts.  In 2011, pitcher Tommy Milone hit a three-run homer on the very first pitch he saw as a hitter.  This season, pitcher Nate Karns didn’t have that kind of moment, but there was cool sky above the park as he threw his first pitch:

Here’s to another great year in 2014.

Movies, television shows and commercials often take dramatic license with real-life details for the sake of the story.

As a viewer, we can suspend what we know and just go along for the ride, or we can spend far too much time dissecting just how far from reality they have strayed.  After seeing a relatively new Geico commercial featuring Washington Nationals outfielder Bryce Harper, I am choosing to do the latter.

In the ad, Harper is taking batting practice at Nats Park in southwest DC.  We see a baseball land in the reflecting pool in front of the Lincoln Memorial, then another bounce of the memorial steps, and finally a ball roll up to a pair of Secret Service-looking guys standing in front of a gate on the north side of the White House.

Let’s focus on that last one with some help from our friend Google Maps.  I drew a line from home plate to the spot where the guys are standing.  The left-handed-hitting Harper was really late on this pitch, but showed impressive power driving it out of the stadium down the third base line:

According to the ruler feature, Google calculates the distance of this hit to be about 12,545 feet, or roughly 12,000 feet farther than what would be a “HOLY CRAP HARPER SMASHED THE CRAP OUT OF THAT” homer:

Another thing we have to take into account is the landing.  Here’s a close-up view of where the ball came down:

Notice in the commercial that the agent guys have their backs to the fence with the fountain in the background, which means the ball had to have gone past them and changed direction in order to roll up to their feet:

So there are two possibilities, either there was an incredible northwest wind in Washington that day, or the ball bounced off of something with enough force to rebound in the direction of the White House.

If it were the wind, think about how hard Harper actually hit that ball — 12,545 feet into the wind!  But I like the second option as a more plausible explanation (amid an entirely implausible scenario, of course).  Let’s look just a touch to the north of the final landing spot:

There, in the center of Lafayette Park just across the street, there is a statue of Andrew Jackson on a horse, raising his hat above his head.  A ball hit hard enough to fly all the way there surely could bounce off the bronze with enough force to make it back to Pennsylvania Avenue and roll up to the White House gates.

Heck of a swing, Bryce.  Next time get around a little earlier and keep it inside the foul poles.  Where would the same hit end up if he hit it in fair territory, let’s say straight over where a right fielder would be playing?

With the right trajectory, that could land smack in the right field stands at RFK Stadium, the Nationals’ former home.  Now that would be a holy crap homer.

Last month I bought a box of baseball cards and noticed something very different from the ones I got as a kid.

In the lower-left of the package, there’s a child rating that suggests the cards are not appropriate for kids under the age of 6:

I don’t know that much about kids, but I feel like I understand baseball cards pretty well.  I can see how a child would be a major threat to a baseball card, but for the life of me could not figure out what would make the opposite situation an issue.

So I called Topps.

I waited on hold for about 20 minutes (somehow there were seven people in front of me) and in that time my new friend David Wright of the New York Mets informed me many times that Topps is on Facebook.  Oh and that they make MMA cards too!

Finally though, I did speak to a customer service representative who provided an answer I never even considered.

“Mainly because in the Major Leagues there are some players who are using drugs, and they don’t recommend that for kids,” the rep said.

I don’t know what it is about turning 6 that makes you able to process seeing the baseball card of a guy who has used performance-enhancing drugs, but since I have a niece and nephew who haven’t made it there, I had to make my set safe.

Bye bye, Jhonny Peralta!

So long, Edinson Volquez!

Thanks to the always amazing baseball-reference.com for their database of PED suspensions.  And for the Topps company for taking a stand for the sake of baseball and the youth of America.

If you’re already thinking about what to get me for Christmas, I suggest you start saving your pennies.  Before December 25, you are going to need $348.  For this:

That would be a baseball glove made of Coach leather.  It comes in a variety of colors, but naturally I want the blue one.  If you want to go all-out, get me the bat, wallet, baseball paperweight and leather-wrapped radio, which as a package will run you a mere $1160.

I first read about this in a Bloomberg article, which says that Coach is seeking to expand its revenue by making a push to bring in more money from men’s products.  The idea is not that lots of men are going to by baseball gloves, but that the gloves will say, “HEY GUYS WE MAKE STUFF FOR YOU TOO!”

I appreciate that strategy, but it’s going to take a lot more than appealing to my love of baseball to get me to spend $498 on a jacket.  I’m slightly more frugal than that.

And come to think of it, I already have a baseball glove that can handle any ball thrown my way:

I’ve had this glove since I believe roughly age 14.  Note the one set of strings I left untied.  There’s a matching set on the opposite side next to the thumb.  The purpose, of course, was that between pitches I could twist the glove back and forth, letting the strings slap against the rest of the glove like the little drum in Karate Kid.

I wanted to include my first baseball glove in this post, but sadly a quick search in my parents’ basement the other day turned up nothing.  I’m sure it’s down there though, so some day we will be reunited and I can share all of its glory.

And since this is about baseball, I’ll share a picture from a trip to Nationals Park earlier this week.  My mom and I went early for the game and took in batting practice.  I took my glove and a camera long, and went home with some decent shots but sadly no BP homers: