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  • I’m No Doctor

    But I’m pretty sure the fingernails on my right hand grow a lot faster than the ones on my left hand.

    According to a scientist at Binghamton University in New York, nails grow faster on the hand that is used the most. Interesting, considering I’m left handed. Maybe I do more tasks with the right hand, but delegate the meaningless, easy ones to my non-dominant hand. That leaves the left rested and more able to carry out important tasks like exhibiting my exquisite penmanship.

    And according statistics I’ve seen about this site, you haven’t been to the site. So go there. Now. Or aliens will abduct another cow.

    April 9, 2007 Uncategorized

  • Now That’s a Good Question

    It’s not often someone asks a question I don’t have an answer for. Usually I get asked the same things over and over, mainly involving a shoe size and the phrase “Do you have…”

    Today I was taking out some trash, and while in the bowels of the mall I was confronted by a female mall patron. I guess she had wandered into one of the “Emergency Exit” corridors that offer shortcuts to the outside world and had no idea how to get out.

    “Where’s outside?” she asked.

    Me=no idea how to respond to that.

    “Um, what?”

    “Where’s outside?” she asked again.

    Sort of understanding what she meant, but still not sure how macro or micro she was posing the query, I took two steps to my right and pointed around the corner to the world outside the mall. There were trees, a parking garage and a bit of light shining off the road.

    “You mean like right there?” I asked.

    She copied my walk of just a few seconds earlier, craning her neck to fill her eyes with what mine had just processed. Only she craned her neck upon reaching my side, not wanting I guess to venture too close to the “outside.”

    She said that’s what she was looking for. Then she returned to her original spot, looking in the corner of two giant cement walls for a way out, ignoring the clear path she was looking at when standing right next to me.

    After going all the way into the corner of the slabs, she posed her second question.

    “How do I get out of here?”

    I retraced my earlier steps, and even brought my pointing finger back out.

    “Just walk around.”

    The girl turned around, walking again towards the cement corner.

    “No no, around the other way.”

    She walked to the pointing spot, seeing freedom, but not quite understanding how to get there. Another second of processing and it finally clicked. She walked hurriedly up the ramp and across the sidewalk leading to her exit.

    She’s probably still stuck in the parking garage. I should have checked.

    April 5, 2007 mall not smart Uncategorized

  • Spring Reading

    You may be familiar with updates to the world’s greatest site–areyouert.com–but today I bring you an update to another quality piece of work that’s just slightly more near and dear to my heart.

    It’s chris.areyouert.com, and it has some of my more long-form writing, some journalism clips and even some broadcast links (realplayer required).

    It started as a project for an online journalism class with the home page story about my grandmother’s battle with cancer. Today I added a new story (the old one is archived to the left) about a family at my church and their similar battle from a few years ago. I wrote the story in a feature writing class, and it’s probably my favorite thing I’ve written.

    April 3, 2007 Uncategorized writing

  • Sticking it to the Man

    If you’ve written a college paper in the last five years, chances are you know all about Turnitin.com. It’s a service that allows educators to screen student’s writings against a database for plagiarism, and now it’s the target of a lawsuit. By students.

    High school students in Virginia and Arizona copyrighted their works before turning them into their teachers. They asked that they not be archived by Turnitin. According to a Washington Post story, the papers were added to the database. The students say that’s a violation of their copyright, um, rights.

    The suit will test a system used by educational institutions all over the world, one that places no faith in students. Cheating happens in every school. Kids copy math homework, lift passages from essays and sneak a peak at their neighbor’s scantron during tests. It happens.

    Instead of instilling students with a sense of accountability and personal pride—you’re only cheating yourself!—educators turn instead to systems like Turnitin as a panacea, wipe their hands of responsibility approach to the problem. What happens is sometimes good kids get accused of cheating when their writing happens to feature a string of words “too close” to one of the millions of papers already in the database. It doesn’t matter what relationship the kid may have with his teacher, how honest they are known to be. The system says they’re wrong, so they’re wrong.

    The students filing the suit found a way to fight back. By copyrighting their work, they protected themselves from another entity making financial gain off of the students’ intellectual property. They are suing for $150,000 for each of the six papers they say were added to the Turnitin database. Since Turnitin charges a fee for institutions to use the database, they are, in turn, making money off of the kids’ intellectual property.

    We’ll see how it plays out.

    March 29, 2007 Uncategorized

  • Customer Needs Assistance in Electronics

    Businesses are only as good as the people who run them. Employees who know the product and operate in an honest and ethical fashion are irreplaceable and do nothing but help the company’s bottom line.

    But business is a tough world. There are inevitable downturns where upper management must figure out how to keep the ship afloat. Often these decision makers are not down in the trenches and can take an oversimplified dollars and cents approach to meeting the bottom line.

    The result is layoffs. Instead of figuring out how to make the product better, thus attracting and retaining customers—read $$$—the decision makers take the “easy” way out and simply cut the cost part of the equation. Car companies do it, retail stores do it, media outlets do it, everybody does it.

    The Washington Post reported that Circuit City is now doing it. Faced with a necessity to cut costs, Circuit City is firing employees who get paid too much. Before you vilify the company, they are saying that those employees are free to reapply for their jobs after 10 weeks, at a reduced pay rate. The company says the move will allow them to hire cheaper labor to do the same job, and probably thinks that’s going to result in a huge financial turnaround.

    But when the 3,400 employees—9 percent of the Circuit City labor force—leave, what’s leaving with them? Not only do they know how to work at Le City Cirquite, but if they’re “too highly paid,” they probably have been there for a while and know their products.

    So when you go to Le City Cirquite next week to get a TV and have a question, and the three new guys in that section know less about TVs than your dog, remember that Phil the TV guru is sitting on his couch because he made too much money. And when Best Buy sees a huge increase in TV sales next month—read $$$$$$$$–maybe the suits at Le City Cirquite will realize that sometimes you have to spend money to make money.

    March 29, 2007 Uncategorized

  • Piping Mad

    St. Patrick’s Day. It’s the celebration of everything Irish. Look for leprechauns, drink a Guinness, wear a green shirt and yell “Kiss Me, I’m Irish.”

    This weekend I ran the Shamrock Half-Marathon in Virginia Beach, Va., a harrowing experience that has left me hobbled, in incredible pain and wanting desperately to do it again. Sick, I know.

    But it was on the way to this race that my mind was stirred by a musical conundrum. Listening to a bagpiper on the radio, I thought, are there female bagpipers? I know I’ve never seen one.

    The pipers are called to all sorts of official duties from parades to funerals, playing in traditional garb and blasting out the unmistakable blare of their instrument. They often play in groups, though a single piper is sufficient to set a mood.

    And yet, women are so rare among those ranks that everyone I’ve asked in the last few days has never seen such a thing.

    Thanks to the internet we know they exist, a relief in a world that has too much division for arbitrary or just plain stupid reasons. According to one site, there is a myth that women were forbidden from playing, and such an offense would mean the loss of fingers.

    Depending on how true that may have been, and especially how if might have been codified may be a beacon into the situation itself. Women were barred from voting until a Constitutional Amendment gave them such a right. Not only was a barrier lifted, but the situation went beyond even “we’re not saying you can’t,” to “yes, please do.”

    So I propose the next amendment to the U.S. Constitution: “No person shall be restricted from piping, bag or other, based on race, religion, sex, creed or nation of origin.”

    March 19, 2007 running Uncategorized

  • Gimme a Break

    On ABC’s 20/20, John Stossel has a segment called “Gimme A Break.” In that portion of the program, Stossel presents a situation that makes you question what people were thinking, or how they could possibly think what they were doing or had done was a good idea.

    They are never huge, national issues like the budget deficit or our Iraq policy. But they are always something big enough to warrant attention and some sort of rectifying action.

    What might be worse are situations that don’t rise to the “Stossel Level,” ones that get too much attention even though they are virtually meaningless and aren’t hurting anything.

    Today I was 11 minutes late for work. Yesterday I was 10 minutes late for work. That’s a total of 21 minutes in two days. I have been early for 99 percent of my shifts at this job over a year and a half. Often those early arrivals have been at least 30 minutes before I was scheduled to begin.

    “What’s with your tardiness?” I was asked as I entered today. Given as evidence of this apparent epidemic was yesterday’s and today’s late arrivals. Gimme a break.

    The majority of the other employees are regularly tardy, often much later than my recent transgressions. Just yesterday, another employee was 38 minutes late for work. Remember, I was a total of 21 minutes late over two days. Apparently it’s not a problem when other people do it chronically, just the two times I do it. Maybe we should fight the big battles first.

    I am not a salaried employee. I am compensated only for time in which I am in there and on the clock. If anything, I should be praised for saving the company 21 minutes of my compensation. After all, those hours are apparently incredibly limited these days.

    So employer, you’re welcome!

    On a related note, I watched Office Space last night. One line that resonated:
    “Can you just zonk me out so that I don’t know I’m at work? Like, can I come home thinking I was fishing instead?”

    March 10, 2007 insanity mall Uncategorized

  • The Fleecing of America

    I haven’t watched the NBC Nightly News in a while, so I’m not sure if the Brian Williams version features the segment called “The Fleecing of America.” The Tom Brokaw version definitely did, and in it they brought to light some practice or organization within the government or public sector that was basically ripping us all off.

    I’m reminded of that segment with the release of the new dollar coins this week. Actually it’s not so much a fleecing, but maybe an economic reality that people don’t really know about.

    So there are these new dollar coins featuring the presidents, one new one every three months. With the success of the state quarter program, the U.S. Mint is thinking we may finally embrace a dollar coin, though I think the only problem in the past is that no one knew how to spell Sacagawea. Yes, I had to look that up.

    Before seeing a segment about the coins this morning on the CBS Sunday Morning show, I never thought about these new coins as anything but a tool of commerce. They are just new ways for us to spend the same money.

    I never thought the mint actually makes a lot of money off these types of coins.

    Especially since hearing that it actually loses money when it makes pennies because of the cost of copper these days. In case you haven’t heard, it costs about 1.4 cents to make every penny. That sounds like asking for trouble, and sure to bankrupt the mint, if not the country.

    But then think about the state quarters. How many people do you know who have at least one, if not several from each state just sitting in their house? You get them from the bank or from a store for 25 cents. The bank or store got those quarters form 25 cents. It only costs the mint 9 cents to make each quarter. That’s a big profit.

    February 18, 2007 Uncategorized

  • Everything I Need to Know I Learned on the Way to Selinsgrove

    I’ve learned a lot of things during my time on this planet. The sky is blue. Oreos are tasty. Winter can be cold. Dodgeballs are usually red, though sometimes blue or green.

    Most of these things were gleaned from observation of the world around me. Many of the other things I’ve learned came from a classroom. Some of the most interesting came as a combination of the two.

    I went to quaint Susquehanna University in the heart of central ….Pennsylvania….. It’s 169 miles and just under three hours from my house. I know those numbers from the quite numerous times I made the trip, either going to school in the fall, fall break, winter break, spring break, Easter break or going home for the summer.

    It would be hard to make so many trips on the same road–lovely Route 15–without noticing some of the things along the way.

    Here’s what I learned on the way to Selinsgrove:

    Bill loves Brandee. This declaration of love is spray-painted in green on a bridge overpass just as you enter ….Pennsylvania…. on Route 15. I don’t know who Bill is. I don’t know who Brandee is. I hope they are living a happy life together. The paint is faded, so it’s likely this relationship has had to face the test of time. Who knows, Bill could have been shot down in 1978 when asking Brandee to the prom. Maybe this was his way of proposing, “The Great Valentine’s Bridge Stunt of 1988,” where a stunned Brandee immediately called Bill to accept after seeing such an incredible showing of his commitment. Hard to say.

    Wal-Mart is not the only one-stop shop. North of Harrisburg, Route 15 shrinks to one lane in each direction as it winds through some small towns. There you’ll find a store on the right (going North) that bills itself as a sporting goods and produce market. This is one place I always told myself I’d visit one day, just for the experience, but sadly I never made the stop. From the road you can see a display of fruits and vegetables like any self-respecting farmer’s market. It’s only from the multiple signs near the entrance from the road that you learn about the availability of hunting boots and bullets. Maybe this is just a convenience for many nearby marksmen who like to shoot into cantaloupes. Hard to say.

    Verb agreement is optional. On the same stretch of narrowed Route 15 there is a butcher shop. Perhaps this blows my cantaloupe theory, but apparently people in the area have a need to have dead animals, um, dealt with in order to become food. The sign at this establishment is in the shape of a burly, plaid-wearing woodsman. In his stomach area there is a white sign that reads, “Meat cut, wrap & froze, $45.” I always laugh at that sign. I don’t even know where to begin. Maybe some day I’ll send them a little note, or maybe a copy of “Eats Shoots and Leaves.”

    ..Central Pennsylvania.. is very boring. Hence the need for a strip of half a dozen porn shops near the end of the trip. Including good old Adult World, an establishment rumored—sworn by many people I know, but never confirmed personally—to be owned by the head of the Communications Department at SU… ..

    Going south, you naturally hit all of the same locations, but are treated with one additional nugget of information.

    It is possible to go backwards on Route 15. About 10 minutes before reaching ….Harrisburg…. an incredible anomaly takes place that I feel is not being taken seriously enough by authorities and Stephen Hawking. On the side of the road is a sign that says “….Harrisburg…. 12 miles.” The sign is just before a bridge. Just after that bridge is an identical sign. That sign reads “….Harrisburg…. 14 miles.” So in crossing that bridge, you actually go back two miles. And nobody seems concerned.

    February 1, 2007 Susquehanna travel Uncategorized

  • Please Think Before Microwaving

    Urgent bulletin from the common sense department: Don’t put a dry sponge in the microwave for two minutes. Bad things will happen.

    Apparently a news story about a University of Florida study left out an important step requiring the sponge-microwaver to wet the thing first.

    “‘Just wanted you to know that your article on microwaving sponges and scrubbers aroused my interest. However, when I put my sponge/scrubber into the microwave, it caught fire, smoked up the house, ruined my microwave, and pissed me off,’ one correspondent wrote in an e-mail to Reuters.”

    Sure, Reuters should have included the detail. It is a somewhat important detail in the story about how microwaving the sponge can remove most of the bacteria. But at some point, common sense needs to kick in. Don’t put dry things in the microwave. Bad things happen.

    When I was a freshman in college I lived in an all-first-year dorm with about 300 of my closest friends. I lived on the third floor, just down the hall from my friend Shawn L.(not to be confused with my roommate Shawn R.). Shawn lived with a guy affectionately known as “Pinky.” I don’t want to get off track explaining why, and if you really need to know just ask.

    Pinky was a star. Just an upstanding human being who repeatedly was seen urinating on the floor in our lounge, passed out drunk in front of his door and apparently snored like some sort of prehistoric animal.

    In this freshman dorm we had what seemed like nightly fire alarms. There were never fires. Usually some kid pulled the alarm for fun, or on a dare, mission or whatever. Other times, people microwaved popcorn too long and the over-sensitive smoke detectors sent us out into the cold.

    Then there was Pinky. He decided one night at about 3 a.m. that he wanted some Ramen noodles. No problem. His room was mere feet from the microwave. He placed the cup inside, set the timer for 10 minutes and walked away.

    When the fire alarm went off I cursed whatever I could think of in my sleep-deprived stupor. I slid on the shoes and sweatshirt I kept right next to the bed for just these situations. I grabbed my keys and stumbled out of the room.

    The smoke was visible. Holy cow, there is actually a fire. The smell was horrendous. Burnt plastic. Smoked noodles. Just bad.

    We went through the normal routine. Stumble down the three flights of stairs, laughing at each other’s 3 a.m. attire. We assemble in the cold, seeking out our friends in the dark. Our head resident came out and gave us the normal, shut up and listen, does anyone know what happened speech. He tells us that the sooner we come clean, the sooner we can go inside.

    Well, not really. Normally, we all get outside and they turn the alarm off. We get yelled at. We go back inside. This time, there was so much smoke that every time they turned the alarm off, it got tripped again.

    After an indistinguishable amount of time, we got to go back inside. Word spread quickly as we marched through the lounge looking at the damage. The microwave was toast. The Ramen cup was completely melted into a pool of plastic on the rotating tray inside the microwave. The whole thing was black and deformed. No more Easy Mac in there. Then we got the official story. It was Pinky, his Ramen, his stupidity. A girl watched him put the cup in. He didn’t use any water.

    No water. Ten minutes. Wow.

    More than 500 students graduated in the Class of 2005. Pinky was not among us.

    January 24, 2007 not smart Susquehanna Uncategorized
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