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Miracle Marshmallows and Silly Bandz Silliness

A completely random choice of aisles at Target completely changed my life today. At least, for a limited time.

I was on my way to pick up some juice and needed to cut through an aisle to get there. I could have picked any of a dozen different routes, but the one I chose took my past a miracle $0.96 product that is truly revolutionary: chocolate swirl marshmallows.

My first thought upon seeing such a culinary masterpiece was that I had to have some. My second thought was why it took until 2010 for such a thing to exist. I mean, nobody in their right mind could walk past this:

Two fun flavors in one! The bag does not lie, these things are delicious. But notice in the top-left corner it says “Limited Edition!” While I applaud their enthusiasm with the exclamation point, I do not like the message. Just when we get this miracle product, the fine people at Kraft are already threatening to take it away.

Crying shame.

In an unrelated note, I realized today that I forgot another important part of my conversation with 7-year-old Ellie from the weekend. If you didn’t read about the enlightening encounter with a creative kid, you can find it here (or just scroll down, it’s only two posts ago).

I left out our discussion of kid-craze Silly Bandz. For those of you who are not in the know, they are fancy rubber bands that kids go nuts about. They come in all kinds of colors and themes and are often traded. Some schools have banned them, probably on grounds that they are somehow distracting to the educational mission or some crazy adult reason like that.

Anywho. Ellie has 78 of them. Or 73. No 78. No, it’s 68. I’m not sure we ever settled on a final number. But she was very clear that she wears five — and only five — at one time. I am sad to report that I did not get a reason for the number. It seems like the kind of thing that would be mom-imposed as a way to keep all 68 (or so) from being worn at one time.

That would just be silly.

July 24, 2010 family food kids Uncategorized
Helping LiLo

Everyone needs someone in their corner, and with Lindsay Lohan going to jail today, she clearly needs some love.

I would like to announce that I am ready to serve my country by becoming the Lindsay Lohan Reclamation Czar (LiLoRC). After all, we have czars for just about everything else: Af-Pak, AIDS, TARP, copyright, drugs, Gitmo and weatherization to name a few.

I can think of few more worthy causes that would enhance the United States at home and abroad than seeing LiLo return to her status as a promising actress. We are a nation of forgiveness and second chances that likes to see people bounce back from hardship (see: Downey Jr., Robert), and her case should be no different.

Lindsay only has a 90-day sentence in a women’s prison before she is released back to the real world. Analysts say she may serve more like three weeks because of the minor nature of her crime (probation violation) and the overcrowding in California’s jails.

That doesn’t leave us much time to get her on the right path. She has a family, but let’s face it, they haven’t been the most stable influence in her life. Her dad is celebrating Lindsay’s jailing by going on Larry King Live tonight. What a guy.

I feel I am uniquely qualified to help because we have so much in common. She is an actress who has appeared in such classics as “Mean Girls” and “Herbie Fully Loaded.” I have seen “Mean Girls” and “Herbie Fully Loaded.” She became famous at age 11 for appearing in “The Parent Trap.” I was also once 11 years old. She dated “That ’70s Show” actor Wilmer Valderrama. I dated “That ’70s Show” actress Mila Kunis.

Okay, that last one didn’t happen. Yet.

It seems like the popular thing on blogs, Facebook and Twitter right now is to hate on Lindsay and wish her some sort of “good riddance.” But what good does that do us? Wouldn’t it be better in the end if we had a 24-year-old who felt supported by the world and could make a positive use of her talents?

That’s where the LiLoRC comes in. All I need is a conversation with Lindsay and everything will be alright.

July 20, 2010 Uncategorized
Lessons From a Little Girl

There is a lot you can learn from a 7-year-old.

My education came over the weekend while at a family gathering in Virginia Beach. A good-sized group from my dad’s side of the family is enjoying a week there, complete with some of his cousins and their kids.

Sunday night we shared a nice meal at a local pizza place, where I sat next to my second cousin, Ellie. She is happy to tell you about a lot of things in our world, and even some that may only occur in hers.

We were facing a television that was mounted in one corner of the restaurant, and a somewhat new commercial starring Julia Stiles came on. Ellie was quick to tell me that Ms. Stiles was wearing too much eyeshadow. Now I know.

She also went into great detail about just the right amount of lemonade to sip at one time. You don’t want too much, of course. That would result in too much sugar and wouldn’t taste right. Then again, you don’t want too little, lest you not get enough flavor. So enjoy your lemonade in moderation — it is the best drink ever made.

You may not be aware, but I also have magic skills. They are not as advanced as Ellie’s, but they are there nonetheless. I am only at Level 1 (I don’t know how many levels there are, I’ll have to check), while she is an advanced Level 3. Apparently you can go up to the next level on your birthday, but sometimes you aren’t ready and have to wait until next year. I will be interested to see what happens in August, though I may not have been practicing enough to get a magic promotion.

If you need to work on your skills, you can always go to Magic School. Ellie told me her uncle has been to such a school (her dad told me the uncle can do some magic tricks). I said maybe I could go to an online program, though I wasn’t sure if such a thing existed. Ellie said that was okay, I could always start one of my own and call it MagicSchool.com. I am sad to report that such a site already exists.

I understand that you may doubt our magic ability. But I ask to you consider the following: We became slightly impatient about getting our food, so we decided to use the magic to make it arrive at our table. We “warmed up” our magic, closed our fists, and on the count of three we opened our hands in the direction of the kitchen. Not one minute later, several pizzas were placed right in front of us. (In fairness, the waiter had just come by and put the little elevated stands that hold the pizza, so it’s possible the pizzas would have come anyway).

She went to the restroom at one point and asked if I could watch her drink — “Make sure NOBODY messes with it!” Naturally I moved it to a different table, and she asked what happened to it. I said that an elf came and stole it. She said she didn’t believe me. Then she quickly decided she had in fact seen the elf run by while she was gone. I wanted to make sure we were talking about the same elf, so I asked her to describe it. It was pretty much like a typical leprechaun, except he was wearing a red suit along with a red hat with a big white feather in it. The elf has many of the exact same hat, though he has one — just one — that has a black feather. He wears that one for special occasions.

That, my friends, is what you can learn from a 7-year-old during just one meal.

Ellie and I after dinner

I always find it interesting to experience something and then read an article or part of a book soon afterwards that directly speaks to that experience. The day after this enlightening meal I read the cover story from last week’s issue of Newsweek called “The Creativity Crisis.”

The story is a bit long, but if you spend any time around kids or creative people, you should find it to be pretty interesting. The basic argument is that kids today are not as creative, owing to more time in front of video screens and less time figuring out ways to amuse themselves.

Part of the article talks about the different phases that creative kids go through in their development.

“In middle childhood, kids sometimes create paracosms — fantasies of entire alternative worlds. Kids revisit their paracosms repeatedly, sometimes for months, and even create languages spoken there. This type of play peaks at age 9 or 10, and it’s a very strong sign of future creativity. A Michigan State University study of MacArthur ‘genius award’ winners found a remarkably high rate of paracosm creation in their childhoods.”

Ellie and I first discussed our magic abilities a year ago during a rousing bocce ball match at my parents’ house. I am pretty sure we conjured our way to victory.

If she goes on to invent something amazing, you heard it here first.

July 19, 2010 family kids Uncategorized
Animals in Charge

George Orwell’s “Animal Farm” was first published in 1946, and was seen at the time as a commentary on Stalinist Russia.

Today it offers a look into other totalitarian regimes, as well as one tremendous way we could improve the political system in the United States. There are not many lawmakers in the U.S. who do much that is drastically different from their peers, which results in year after year of seemingly similar results.

Napoleon the pig offers a strategy I would love to see implemented on the Senate floor as he and a rival pig argue about the merits of building a windmill on the farm. His opponent has drawn a complex set of plans that sits on the floor of a shed. Napoleon enters.

“He walked heavily round the shed, looked closely at every detail of the plans and snuffed at them once or twice, then stood for a little while contemplating them out of the corner of his eye; then suddenly he lifted his leg, urinated over the plans, and walked out without uttering a word.”

Now that is politics at its best. Of course in the Stalinist style of government, Napoleon later became the leader and claimed that he was in favor of the windmill all along.

Orwell said himself that his writing was always directed against totalitarianism. “‘Animal Farm’ was the first book in which I tried, with full consciousness of what I was doing, to fuse political purpose and artistic purpose into one whole.”

If you close your eyes, so to speak (hard to read if you actually do it), you can forget about any comparisons to Communist Russia, or current day North Korea and Iran, and see the artistic beauty of a story about animals overthrowing their masters to take responsibility for their own lives. Of course, you can’t keep those blinders on for long as the comparisons fly off of every page.

After years of Napoleon’s rule, the farm has less food than ever and has an overpopulation of pigs (the ruling class) and dogs (the security force). Orwell describes the pigs, especially Napoleon and his main deputy, as fat while the other animals are struggling to eat. Of course this comes as the pigs convince the other animals that there is no food shortage and that, in fact, there has never been more food at the farm.

Sound like any current nation to you?

July 16, 2010 books Uncategorized
Train Moving Forward

Sometimes it’s the small things in life that keep you going. Other times, it’s the really small things that give you a boost.

Coming back on the Metro always ends my day with a smile, and not just because I am close to being home. There is a point at which the train stops halfway down the platform, for just a few moments, before continuing on to the end of the platform.

Hopefully you can appreciate the amount of time I spent on the above illustration.

The people on the platform waiting to get on the train are always thrown off by the fake stop action. If they ride Metro often enough they should know that right now trains are being operated manually and always stop at the end of the platform.

And yet, day after day, the train comes to that initial stop and everyone lines up at the doors as if they are about to open. There is little that is more entertaining than seeing the confused looks on their faces as the train pulls away toward the end of the track. It is as if the train has rejected them as passengers, deeming them unfit to make the ride.

Fortunately for them, trains don’t think that way. At least, I hope they don’t.

July 14, 2010 metro Uncategorized
REALLY?!?

In case you were wondering, I am alive.

After the whirlwind month of blogging that was June a few (or 9) days off were definitely needed. Add in that I was also changing jobs and I’m sure you can understand the lack of posts to begin July.

But I bring you great entertainment to get things jumping again. While at the new-ish job today, a co-worker brought my attention to a reporter in Arkansas who made a really poor career choice. I don’t mean poor like he showed up to work without a shirt on or spelled something wrong on air.

No, he and a few of the people at his station made a pair of videos mocking their profession and posted them on YouTube. Oh, and they made them at the station. With station equipment. And used a lot of profanity while also clearly making fun of people in their market.

The videos have been removed from YouTube, but fortunately we live in a world in which nothing can really disappear. The website ArkansasBusiness.com has the full story as well as the videos.

If you are the news director at this station, the crew did you a tremendous favor. It is pretty clear within the first 20 seconds or so that you have no choice but to fire them. If you are one of the reporters involved, how can you not know that project is going to end badly? It’s not like you made an off-the-cuff comment. You spent a lot of time conceiving, shooting and editing two videos over the course of several weeks.

Now the question for them is what happens next. Any news director with a pulse is going to google their names if they apply for another job, and the story about them getting fired is going to be high on the list of results. Though if I were in charge of hiring at a station I would definitely call them in for an interview. Then I would do my best Seth Meyers impersonation — look them square in the eye and say, “REALLY?!?”

July 10, 2010 Uncategorized
Six Years Ago Today

Today is a pretty big day for me. It is my 30th consecutive day of blogging, the last day at my part-time video job and the sixth anniversary of a great relationship with Altima.

Of course, Altima is my car, which I bought on this day in 2004. When I rolled off the lot, the car had a whopping nine miles on the odometer, most of which came during my test drive. I remember the instant peace of mind that came from trading in my dying 1993 Pontiac Grand Am for the gleaming Nissan goodness.

Here’s what I looked like that day in my family’s standard driveway car picture:

Note the tucked-in blue polo and khaki shorts, which indicate that I was either on my way to or from a shift selling shoes at Galyan’s. My brother’s red SUV with 18 bajillion miles on it is down at the street.

Strangely enough, all of my life journeys since that day six years ago have covered exactly 49,994 miles. I was doing a lot of math on my way to work yesterday trying to see if there was any chance I would get home today at the 50,000 mark. I think this is pretty close (remember I started at 00009):

During the past six years I moved six times, lived in four states (Pennsylvania, Virginia, Maryland, Florida), had six employers, was called a nerd on live TV (for my Rubik’s skillz, thanks Rebecca!), ran a marathon and three half marathons, owned two different cell phones and two different laptops, attended five family weddings (cousin, aunt, brother, sister, cousin), and ate countless meals at Taco Bell.

Altima also acquired two bees in that span of time. They are both located in the bottom left corner of the back window, just an inch or so apart. Strangely though, one of them has been there since the first week I owned the car and the other just appeared sometime last year.

You can’t quite see them here, but they are just below the stickers:

A closer look at the peacefully resting bees:

I tried several times to get the first one (left) out with a vacuum and other implements, but to no avail. At this point, they are really a part of the car’s ambiance. I mean, if things get lonely on a road trip I can always talk to the bees.

That brings the June Blogoganza to a close. Hopefully someone enjoyed me posting that much, though I apologize for the days I clearly had nothing to write about (and wanted dearly to skip). Definitely not writing anything tomorrow, so you’ll just have to occupy yourself with the archives. Hasta luego.

June 30, 2010 car family home nostalgia shoes Uncategorized
Tales of Bob and Carl

Just reading about the reporting of Washington Post reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein wore me out.

I was aware of the basics of Watergate before reading “All The President’s Men” but the details of the entirety of their reporting is staggering. If the film version of the story included everything, it might take four days to watch.

It was odd picturing the story in my mind as I read. I know what Woodward looks like, and yet every time he was mentioned all I saw was Robert Redford. With no clear picture in my mind of Bernstein, I was of course forced to go with Dustin Hoffman in his stead.

The two make so many phone calls, and pursue so many sources in such a dogged fashion that I am sure that I would have given up long before anything significant came out of their Watergate stories. It is striking, even now, even knowing how everything eventually turns out, to see how borderline comical the details were by the time they came out.

How so many high-ranking people thought they could get away with whatever they wanted shows an arrogance that really reigns as the theme of the story. At every step, as every detail came out, those involved offered new denials and language that said all allegations were ridiculous. Of course they all turned out later to be true.

One thing I could not get over was the convention of referring to the reporters as “Bernstein and Woodward.” I think that in any casual conversation, anyone would say it the other way. I would bet that they decided to just do it alphabetically in the book, which is fine if that’s how they want it. But I still found it jarring each time I came across it. Maybe they should put out a new press release so that we all commonly refer to them in alphabetical terms.

I did check Google, and the combination of “Woodward and Bernstein” and “Woodward & Bernstein” far surpasses that of “Bernstein and Woodward” and “Bernstein & Woodward.” I’m not about to cross Google.

Tomorrow marks the 30th day of June, and thus the 30th consecutive day of blogging for me. Fortunately, I already know exactly what I am writing about and it should be a fantastic time for all (with great pictures of bees!). Similar Bat time. Same Bat channel.

June 29, 2010 books Uncategorized
Can You Tell Me How To Get

I wrote a few years ago that maybe the way we should choose our jobs is to have other people decide for us. That idea came from a visit to a local park, during which a girl asked if I was the one who operated the hay ride.

In that post from August 2007, I said we should line up in front of a group of 100 people who would then write our occupation on a card. The job listed on the most cards wins.

I am proud to report that I have moved up in the suggested job list from hay ride driver to photographer/direction specialist.

This morning I was waiting for my family to arrive at a local restaurant for brunch. A woman walked into the waiting area and immediately asked if I could take a picture for her. Now it may just be that I was the first person she saw, but I’m going to assume she could sense my incredible ability to point the camera at her family and push a button.

Convenience would not as easily explain my direction-giving services. After dinner in D.C. last night I was waiting outside the restaurant while the rest of my party took care of some business. There were probably 20 other people on the block at the time, including three valets at a nearby stand. A group of maybe 30 young people came strolling down the street in somewhat dressed-up attire. I was about halfway down the block, not in what I would consider a normal place someone would be seeking directions.

The obvious leader of the group walked right past the valets and asked me which way to go to get to 14th Street. She may have just sensed I knew where I was (correct), or that I might make a good 50-50 guess.

Maybe I can harness all of these talents into some kind of direction-giving, picture-taking, hay-ride piloting venture.

June 27, 2010 Uncategorized
A Niece By Any Other Name

I have a niece on the way in October, and before today the parents did a pretty good job keeping her planned name under wraps.

For months the rest of the family has speculated and asked enough questions to get a few clues. We knew the girl’s name had an e in it, and that either her first name or middle name was a family name. I later learned that her name was popular in the 1920s, though not near the top of the list now.

My brother and sister-in-law are in town this weekend visiting the family and doing some things they may not have time to do for a while (see: baby, newborn). We went into D.C. to take in some museums, which my brother hasn’t done in a few years and the sister-in-law hasn’t been here since a trip in the eight grade.

One of our stops was at the American Indian Museum, which featured a section of modern art with an installation made entirely of clothing. One of those pieces was red footie pajamas, to which Bethany said “Oh, we should get some of those for (baby’s name).” She immediately covered her mouth and hoped I didn’t notice…but I did.

So I know her first name now. Later at dinner I also learned a few hints about her middle name–it’s a family name from my family, also has an e and apparently can be found at a library. We’ll work on that one, though if I just hang around them enough they’ll probably just tell me.

June 26, 2010 family Uncategorized