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  • The Other The Other Boleyn Girl

    Following the news yesterday that Natalie Portman is engaged, I offer the following note:

    Dear Natalie,

    I see that you have taken some major steps in your life — seemingly all at once — leaving the wishes of others cast aside as you collect well-wishes for your future. And that’s cool. It’s your life.

    I’ll leave it to you to explain to my mom why I will be disappointing her by not living up to her expectations. And that’s cool, too. Mom can turn to my siblings — two of them already married — for her dreams of near-age cousins for my newborn niece.

    But I’m not sure you totally thought this through. You’re marrying a French choreographer/ballet dancer whom you met through your work on the film “Black Swan.” From the buzz the movie is getting, it may well be the defining work of your career — one that will forever be minimalized in the mind of your spouse.

    Sure, by all accounts you worked really hard to pull off the role of an accomplished dancer. But to someone who actually is one, your shortcomings have to be glaring. If you win an Oscar, your husband will walk by the statue every day thinking, “Heh, nice try,” like an engineer seeing the ribbon his kid won at the science fair.

    It’s like if I were hanging out with Rachel McAdams, whose most recent release had her playing the role of morning television producer. Whatever our relationship, it would be impossible for me to not be constantly picking apart how her “producer” self failed to live up to the real life version I have experienced. And in her case, it’s not like this is the movie everyone will associate her with for the rest of her career.

    Before you feel too bad about the path you’re taking, don’t worry about the rest of us. We’ll be just fine.

    After all, I hear ScarJo is single.

    Sincerely,

    cjh

    December 28, 2010 life plans Uncategorized
  • Heavenly Pastures

    I finished John Steinbeck’s “The Pastures of Heaven” several weeks ago, but have been wholly uninspired to post its requisite entry here.

    That’s not a knock on the text itself; it’s just one of those that didn’t bring up much that had me thinking afterward. I only marked one page, and that was in the introduction section written by someone else.

    It turns out that before becoming a successful writer, Steinbeck had some interesting jobs. After failing to establish his writing career in New York, he pushed wheelbarrows of concrete for the construction of Madison Square Garden. I don’t think you’ll see Stephenie Meyer doing that. (Sidenote: Stephenie with three E’s? Come on…)

    Usually with authors I have read before, I mention the other works and link to those posts. But since I have quite a few Steinbeck books in my recent reading history I’ll point out the search function of the blog. It’s easy to miss, but in the top left there’s a box that searches my entire archives. So you could just plug in “Steinbeck” for those posts, or have some fun looking up things like “Helga” or “snow.”

    Given that it’s Christmas Eve, I have a present for you (actually for my sister):

    I spent a solid hour constructing it, and wish I took a picture of the underlying cardboard frame before I put the paper on. Probably safe to say she won’t guess what’s inside. Also safe to say I have too much time on my hands.

    December 24, 2010 books Christmas Uncategorized
  • Grandma Would Have Wanted Him To

    If you followed me on Twitter, and happened to be logged in early this morning, you would have seen me post “surreal experience of the day: Dr. Elmo playing Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer……with The Roots…”

    The Roots of course is a Grammy Award-winning group that is currently serving as the house band for NBC’s Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. This week the show’s musical guests are apparently all Christmas themed, and thus they played with Dr. Elmo.

    When I was growing up, Dr. Elmo was a big part of our Christmas routine. We had two of his holiday CDs, which feature such songs as Percy the Puny Poinsettia, Grandma’s Killer Fruitcake and my favorite, Grandpa’s Gonna Sue the Pants off of Santa.

    They’re all songs in the same vein as the well-known Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, and work well if you want a break from Josh Groban singing O Holy Night. Of course once you play the Dr. Elmo CD, the situation reverses and you’re ready for a round of Groban.

    But imagine my surprise when I sent that tweet last night, and almost immediately Dr. Elmo started following me on Twitter.

    (Quick notes for the non-Twitter users. “Following” someone is kind of like being their Facebook friend — you see the things they post. RT — which you’ll see in a second — is basically forwarding a message someone has posted, so that all the people who follow you can see it.)

    Dr. Elmo replied to my message asking if I liked the performance. My initial post was more that it was a strange pairing, considering The Roots a few weeks ago were rocking out with Bruce Springsteen and recently released an album with John Legend.

    I sent him a reply, which he then re-tweeted:

    My 10-year-old self would never have imagined that series of events. Of course, if 10-year-old me imagined Twitter I would have been a super genius Internet pioneer in 1993.

    December 21, 2010 Christmas nerdness Uncategorized
  • Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

    It’s amazing what can seem vitally important to us today, and then a week or year later seem absolutely irrelevant.

    For some reason the other day I was looking back at some of the really, really old posts, and besides noting how strikingly my writing has changed since then I found it interesting to compare what I was writing about then versus what I think about today.

    I don’t tend to share much deeply personal stuff, so posts like this one from August 23, 2005 really stand out:

    “…It didn’t help that I saw a someone for the first time in about a year that really made me think about the mythical “what might have been.” What would life be like now if a few things back then had happened a little differently? They’d be different, very different, but I couldn’t help but feel like they would be just as good. It’s not like I haven’t thought about this before, or in the past year, but actually being there, three inches away and having a conversation made it so much more real. Here’s to one more week of being lost in my head, then back to classes and the world of no time to think…”

    Clearly someone was on my mind. But five years later, I could not even remotely tell you who that was. No idea.

    I spent a few minutes trying to piece things together: I was in grad school in Maryland…working part time at a local mall…still lived close to where I grew up…

    Nothing.

    Someone who affected me enough to move me to write is now absolutely no part of my life. I guess that’s how it goes.

    Not long after that I reconnected with someone who hadn’t really spoken to me in a long time. In those five years since, we slowly became good friends again, much closer really than we had been before. But as life does, things between us changed quickly (seemed interminably long at the time) and we’re right back to having not spoken in months.

    Even though we lose some relationships we value so highly at the time, we still move forward with those experiences (and sometimes lessons) that help shape the relationships still to come.

    Of course, back in 2005 I was already in the habit of doing not-so-smart things.

    Happy Friday.

    December 17, 2010 nostalgia not smart Uncategorized
  • Strike a Pose

    I put on a blue knit shirt with white stripes yesterday and immediately wondered if anyone else felt the slightest bit odd wearing the same thing as in their profile picture.

    Or do they even notice?

    Maybe it stands out more for those of us who keep the same picture up for a long time. It was kind of like putting on a costume that embodies my online persona.

    When I first put up the current picture — used here, Facebook and Twitter — people posted a number of comments:

    “Great pic, Glamour Shots”
    “You look majestic”
    “Nice ds profile pic”

    (DS meaning something like “you are a fine-looking gentleman”)

    I’ll take this opportunity to state that the picture is not some sort of studio headshot. It has caused several people to ask what I’m doing on TV these days, but I’m solely behind the scenes. No need for the standard bio picture like my friends Aundrea, Retha and Kim.

    In actuality, the photo was taken at a bowling alley. Oh, and I have Photoshop.

    The picture gives off a totally different message in the edited form than in the original:

    The one on the left is more like “Hey, let me inform or entertain you” while the one on the right says “I know I’m on pace to bowl a 106 and I’m OK with that.”

    I also own the same shirt in more of a maroon color instead of the blue. Maybe that’s my alter-ego.

    December 4, 2010 Uncategorized
  • Just Crazy Enough to be True

    [Note: This post got really long, so I used some sub-heads if you want to skip to different portions — Unabomber’s Lament near the end is probably the most interesting point]

    Some of the books I read have really nothing to with my everyday life, and after I write about them here I don’t think about them again.

    Chuck Klosterman’s “Eating The Dinosaur” is not one of those books. I finished reading it last week and already I have brought up some of Klosterman’s points in two separate conversations.

    I guess you could describe Klosterman as a culture critic, or as one of the blurbs says, “pop-culture philosopher.” Basically he has spent some time thinking about things that are culturally relevant to people alive today. That means discussing the “reality” of art using Weezer’s Rivers Cuomo or the way technology effects us with the Unabomber’s manifesto. In short, his examples bring to mind phrases like, “I saw that movie,” “I have that album” or “I remember when that guy got arrested.”

    Talk To Me

    One of the early themes in the book is the nature of interviews, and the relationship between interviewers and their subjects. Klosterman writes that as journalists, we ask questions in interviews that we would never ask of our friends or in any normal conversation. And yet, people answer. They accept the “acceleration of intimacy” and open up to someone they usually have never met.

    So why do celebrities, public officials and everyday people involved in newsworthy events respond to interviewers? Klosterman writes, “People answer questions because it feels strange to do the opposite.”

    If you’ve never conducted an interview, this is a key point to understand. We feel naturally compelled to answer questions when people ask. A really effective technique as an interviewer is to wait a second or two after you think the person is done giving an answer before launching into your next question. What happens is this moment where they finish, and then feel compelled to keep going and add onto their response. Why? It feels strange to sit there when someone seems interested in what you’re saying.

    One of the aforementioned conversations about the book was with my younger brother as we drove to and from New Jersey this weekend. With his iPod on shuffle, we heard a lot of songs from bands who were once very popular but now have disappeared from the music landscape.

    Think about a band like Creed. Today it is popular to say you don’t like Creed and can’t understand why anyone ever would. But in 2000-01, you liked Creed. If the song “My Own Prison” came on the radio today with no one else around, you would nod along and enjoy yourself. If someone walked in the room you would change the station and say you’ve always hated Creed. But in 2000, the band had the 4th-highest selling record in the U.S., and a year later had another album in the Top 10. You could make similar statements about bands like Hootie & The Blowfish, Maroon 5 and Limp Bizkit.

    Beauty In The Eye

    Then again, any form of art is open to interpretation. In later essays, Klosterman writes about director Wong Kar-Wai’s “terrible” film “My Blueberry Nights,” which I happened to really enjoy. That may be partially explained by the presence of both Norah Jones and Natalie Portman, but I found the story interesting as well. He’s also clearly not a fan of the CBS geek comedy “The Big Bang Theory,” which my DVR is set to automatically record each week. But whatever. I know from his previous works that he is a big fan of the band KISS, which I could care less about.

    Before reading the book I had heard it was a sort of return to the style of his earlier “Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs” (SDCP). I would partially agree, but would say “Eating The Dinosaur” is much more of a critical selection of essays with less overt humor. Where SDCP is non-stop hilarious for pages at a time, this book is peppered with just a few funny sentences that break up more serious discussion.

    I’ll use the same device and provide some examples to break up my longer piece.

    Last year, one of the books I read was George Orwell’s “1984,” which I had originally read in high school. I wrote then how different it seemed to read it the second time. Klosterman had a similar experience with H.G. Wells’ “The Time Machine.”

    “It became my favorite novel for the next two years, but solely for textual reasons: I saw no metaphorical meaning in the narrative. It was nothing except plot, because I was a fucking sixth grader.” He goes on to describe how as a 30-year-old he tapped into the metaphorical side.

    In an essay complaining about the use of canned laughter in television sitcoms, he gives a great modern way to tell someone to shove it. “Perhaps you think that railing against canned laughter is like complaining that nuclear detonations are bad for the local bunny population. I don’t care. Go read a vampire novel.”

    Miley-Mania

    For those who can’t understand why Miley Cyrus is popular or why so many people watch shows like “The Hills” and “Jersey Shore,” Klosterman has your answer. Certain pop-culture phenomenons that many may describe as “idiotic” or “trashy” serve a few important functions in our culture. “They allow Americans to understand who they are and who they are not,” he says. “They allow Americans to unilaterally agree on something they never needed to consciously consider.” Basically, we don’t need to care about Britney Spears, but she gave us something to talk about and bond over as a society.

    Unabomber’s Lament

    Probably the most interesting section of the book is Klosterman’s discussion of the Unabomber, a.k.a. Ted Kaczynski. I have to admit that even though I was very much aware of Kaczynski when he was arrested, I had no idea why he was called the Unabomber. As Klosterman points out, most of his bombing targets were (UN)iversities and (A)irlines.

    He is quick to point out that Kaczynski is a psychopath who clearly has destructive ideas. But in analyzing the manifesto Kaczynski insisted be published in the Washington Post and New York Times, Klosterman finds the psychopath does have some good points about how technology — more specifically, the Internet — is affecting our culture.

    “Even though he deserves to die in jail, Kaczynski’s thesis is correct: Technology is bad for civilization. We are living in a manner that is unnatural. We are latently enslaved by our own ingenuity, and we have unknowingly constructed a simulated world. The benefits of technology are easy to point out (medicine, transportation, the ability to send and receive text messages during Michael Jackson’s televised funeral), but they do not compensate for the overall loss of humanity that is its inevitable consequence.”

    I was talking with a co-worker last week about the way things like Facebook and smartphones have changed the way we interact, and not always for the better. Kaczynski would say those are technologies that we created, and now feel an obligation to use in a cycle that continues to perpetuate itself.

    As my co-worker cited about herself, we can’t sit in a waiting room without reflexively pulling out our phones to have a text conversation or update our status to let everyone know we are sitting in a waiting room. That changes the way we communicate, and the way we experience the world around us. Gone are those times where we sit quietly and reflect on something or enjoy moments of being completely disconnected from the pace of everyday life.

    I am certainly guilty of this trend. While writing this admittedly long post, I have checked on my fantasy football team, Facebook and Twitter, all while watching a football game on TV.

    Even More Technology

    If you want more on the way technology is shaping us, both beneficially and not, I’ll leave you with two interesting pieces:

    Frontline: Digital Nation

    WNYC’s Radiolab podcast: What Does Technology Want?

  • And the Oscar I Do…

    It has been nearly a full week since the folks on the other side of the pond announced the engagement of Prince William and Kate Middleton, an event that clearly showed Kate stole my life plan.

    For those of you who haven’t been following along, marrying into royalty has been Plan A for both ensuring my early retirement and fulfilling the plans others may have for my future. It also means fancy manors, castles and pompous titles that sound just made-up enough to be real.

    You may point out that she has been dating William since 2003, and thus could not possibly have stolen my plan. But that just proves she has a time machine and can read my mind.

    And that’s fine. Getting engaged to royalty is so 2010.

    In 2011, it will be all about Oscar winners. Actually, since there are a limited number of those each year, let’s include nominees to widen the field a little bit.

    They need someone to accompany them to awards shows, premieres, dinner and “look how normal I am” events like sports games. I can do all of those.

    They need someone to tell them their movie is awesome, who doesn’t mind taking month-long vacations and can remember to feed the dog when they have an all-day shoot. I can do all of those.

    They need someone to talk them out of thinking things like, “hey, I’m a movie star, I can release a rap album,” “hey, I’m a movie star, I can park my car sideways on this sidewalk in front of a daycare center,” or “hey, I’m a movie star, these drugs look delicious.” I can do all of those.

    You may hear a lot more about William and Kate next year, but in the (mangled) words of the Black Eyed Peas, “I’m so 2011, they so 2000 & has been.”

    November 22, 2010 life plans Uncategorized
  • Tripod Permits and Metro Smirks

    Back in 2006, I was stopped by U.S. Capitol Police while trying to shoot a reporter standup on the Capitol grounds.

    Apparently I needed a permit to use a tripod, which I definitely did not have. If you haven’t heard the full story, check out this post, which has the details of what ended up being “one of those days.”

    For a long time I was under the assumption the tripod permit was a completely made-up thing. In fact, the day I was on the Hill, the officers pointed me to an area where I could do my standup without the magic permit…except when I got to that area, the officers there had no idea what I was talking about.

    So imagine my surprise this week when I told that story to a co-worker, and learned that at roughly the same point in time she actually had a Capitol tripod permit. That was like learning someone had made it to the end of a rainbow and found a pot of gold.

    But I did take solace when she said that even with the permit, the officers weren’t totally clear on where she could use the tripod.

    For those who weren’t reading the blog back in 2006, here are two related bonus links:

    More questions from Capitol Police

    Another tripod permit run-in

    A quick tripod-less story from this morning:

    I was riding the Metro home from work, and a 20-something girl with an iPod got on the train. I wrote back in August that I feel strange listening to comical things on my iPod while riding the normally silent Metro. People look at you like you’re some kind of social outcast while you try to contain your laughter.

    The girl this morning was fighting the same battle, and clearly losing. It’s worse when you have to stand, and are thus within everyone’s sight. She tried all the techniques for diffusing the situation, including putting her hand over her mouth, looking up at the roof of the train to try to hide her face, and the ever-effective staring at the floor and (I assume) thinking about un-funny things.

    She could not have been happier to see a seat open up. At least then she only had to worry about the odd looks from the person sitting next to her.

    November 19, 2010 metro tripod Uncategorized
  • Mad Mad World

    I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right, it has been a while since I wrote about someone else’s child.

    Fortunately for you, I was down in Raleigh last weekend to meet the newest addition to our family — my brother’s daughter Madelyn. Some people have asked for details I was previously unable to provide, but since I have now held the child (and received an informative birth announcement in the mail) I can share that she was 7 pounds, 5 ounces at birth with a length of 20 inches.

    She is bigger now and also a big fan of the calming presence of Uncle Chris. Actually, I can’t totally say that since she has two of them and I can’t speak for the effects of the other one. Our time together unfolded a little like a scene from last week’s episode of The Office, just with a little less pepperoni pizza involved:

    Alright, it actually looked more like this:

    Her parents have charged me with teaching her about manners, baseball, fireworks and building fires, though not necessarily all at once.

    Time to start working on my curriculum.

    November 16, 2010 baseball family kids Uncategorized
  • Star-Cross’d Story

    People on the Metro are passively nosy, which is perfectly acceptable given the confined space and general boring nature of sitting in a rail car.

    But sometimes I wish there were a way to announce to everyone you are open to clearing up any misconceptions they may have formed about you. Never was that more true than the past two weeks, as I sat on the train reading a bright yellow book with the words “Juliet, Naked” emblazoned across the front.

    The book is the latest by Nick Hornby, and the title is actually quite PG — a clever play on the title of an album from one of the main characters. I think I may have dog-eared a record number of pages, including the first ever double-dog-ear. I actually had to stop and think about how best to accomplish that feat and settled on doing the top of one side of the page and the bottom of the other side.

    Hornby’s strength is in the way his characters interact, and being able to have them push the story along both by themselves and in their collective interaction. This story is no different, as two sets of people on two continents play out somewhat parallel situations. They include an aging musician, his die-hard fan and the fan’s “girlfriend.” The girl exists, it’s just that their situation is hard to define.

    Three quick notes before I get into what I think will be more substantive points:

    1. In one scene the girl, Annie, is sitting at the kitchen table reading The Guardian. If you’ve never read it, you’re missing out on one of the better newspapers out there.

    2. She works at a local museum that is putting on a retrospective exhibit about the town in 1964. Someone sends them a picture “with a little girl standing next to a Punch and Judy booth.” A month ago I would have no idea what that meant, but thanks to the last book I read, I actually knew what they were talking about.

    3. The musician, Tucker, is getting set to host a daughter he has never met and went to the store to get some food. As a former hot dog addict, I appreciated his grocery store train of thought: “The trouble was that even young female carnivores wouldn’t eat red meat. Well, hot dogs were pinky orange. Did pinky orange count as red? He was pretty sure the strange hue was chemical rather than sanguine. Vegeterians could eat chemicals, right?”

    When I say that the fan, Duncan, is a fan of Tucker’s work, that’s really an understatement. Tucker’s work defines Duncan’s life. A large part of Duncan’s everyday routine revolves around a website for Tucker fans, even though Tucker hasn’t made any new music in 20 years. They discuss every aspect of the music, but in true modern fashion also delve into Tucker’s personal life. Since Tucker hasn’t been seen in public since disappearing from the music scene, most of the information is complete conjecture.

    While considering what he perceives as an intrusion into his life, Tucker thinks to himself, “If you wanted to get into people’s living rooms, could you then object if they wanted to get into yours?”

    That is, if your goal is to get famous and have your work become a part of people’s lives, can you expect them to accept that as a one-way transaction? If you’re a Kardashian, and you have a television show that purports to follow your real life, can you get mad if someone takes a picture of you at the grocery store?

    I’m all for respecting people’s privacy — it’s really none of my business what the Kardashians are eating for breakfast. But when you voluntarily break down that wall and define your public interaction in that way, it’s hard to adequately discern exactly where the line should be.

    Later, Duncan talks about Tucker’s musical contributions and says he doesn’t think Tucker really appreciates his own work. “I don’t think people with talent necessarily value it,” he says, “because it all comes so easy to them, and we never value things that come easy to us.”

    How many people do you know who downplay what are clearly great talents? They may not be composing a Beethoven-esque concerto, but you think, “If only they did something with ____.” In a world where the Kardashians are famous for…whatever they are famous for, maybe we need to recalibrate the way we recognize and develop talent.

    Two quick final items:

    At one point Duncan is having a bit of a life crisis and wants to “try to grab the steering wheel back from the maniac who seemed to be driving his life.”

    Without revealing any plot points, page 395 holds further proof that women are crazy.

    For those scoring at home, this is book No. 15 of the year. As in years past, aiming for the 20 range, but not sure that’s in the cards for 2010.

    November 12, 2010 books metro Uncategorized
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