I’ve been here for 7.5 hours. I have sold one pair of shoes. That sale was 6 hours ago. In that time I have had four times as many glasses of water (4). Another employee, who has not even been here for three days, has sold just as many pairs of shoes as I have (1). I have consumed as many cheesesteaks as pairs of shoes sold (1). I have consumed as many Cinnabons as pairs of shoes sold (1). I have consumed as many hot chocolates from Cinnabon as pairs of shoes sold (1).

Shoot me now.

EDITOR’S NOTE: I arrived at 12:58 p.m. I made that one shoe sale at 1:47 p.m. for $59.99. I left at 9:30 without making another sale, and somehow without killing myself.

PPS: The next day, I had a $74.99 shoe returned the next day, making my two-day total negative.