This era of popular music is has a special place in my brain, mainly because of the number of times I have heard many of the songs thanks to working a ton of retail hours during that time.  So here I am, at 9 a.m. on a Saturday morning at a Starbucks in Virginia, and for the next hour I’m going to hit play and see where Songza takes me.  

This is one of those ubiquitous songs that hit during the summer and do.not.go.away.  And yet, among that group, it’s one that if I were flipping around the radio at the time I would probably stop.  “I try to make myself belieeeeeve that planet earth turns slooooowlyyyyyy.”  I also remember this video being pretty visually interesting, both trying to figure out what instrument the guy is playing, and also the undeniable appeal of this robot, which my family had when I was a kid:

I can confirm that in 2014 this is a toe-tapping good time.

“Convict muuuuuuuuuuusic. And you know we up front. I see you winding and grinding up on that poooole.”  This is Akon.  Oh and Snoop Dogg!  I have a general idea that Snoop is still around, but where the heck did Akon go?  I mean, I’m not a fan of his at all, but that dude was in every single song for a while there.  He was Kevin Harting it before Kevin Hart was Kevin Harting.  I have never heard the uncensored version of this before, and there are quite a few good reasons why.  After the pole line: “I know you see me lookin’ at you and you already know I wanna fuck you.” Well there you have it.  Akon is very direct in his game.  There’s something to be said for being straightforward, but in this public establishment while this young lady is at work, it seems a bit much.

Speaking of where did they go, Leona Lewis!  Here’s what I know about her: she won(?) the British version of the X Factor.  Wikipedia confirms that.  It was in 2006.  She apparently sang “A Moment Like This” to win it, which is I guess the song you go to when you want to win a singing show that involves Simon Cowell.  Why did anyone ever abandon this strategy?  All those years of American Idol and the U.S. X Factor and nobody thought to just sing “A Moment Like This” week after week after week?  HELLO! Simon loves that song!!  Coincidentally, this song happened to be on the radio a ton during the last time I actually watched an entire season of American Idol. Wikipedia also tells me her full name is Leona Louise Lewis, which makes me think her parents wanted her to be one L cooler than LL Cool J.  I have no way of confirming this. 

This is pure torture and I want to end this stupid blog post right now.  There is absolutely no artist on the planet that makes me reach for the NEXT button more than Fergie.  With the rest of the Black Eyed Peas, I can sort of stand her, but her solo stuff I cannot at all.  Unfortunately, one of my friends knew that at the time her album came out and routinely posted on my MySpace page pictures with my face Photoshopped in with those of her as if we were a couple.  It’s lucky I like this friend or I would have immediately blocked her.  As far as I’m concerned, Gwen Stefani is the only one who can effectively spell out a word in a song.  Fergie, you and your supposed G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S-ness can G-O A-W-AY.  Also, I think near the end she just insulted Taco Bell?  B-Y-E.

HAHAHAHAAHAH. GWEN HEARD THE BAT SIGNAL!  SHE IS HERE TO SAVE ME!!! The people at this Starbucks probably think I am absolutely insane right now.  I pretty much look like this:

This is the greatest coincidence of my life.  I literally (and I do mean literally literally) cannot believe this is taking place.  THIS SHIT IS BANANAS.  Best of all, I like this song!  It should still be in heavy rotation. It’s peppy.  It’s one that if I were singing along at a stoplight someone would be like, “uhhhhh, what?” And I wouldn’t care.  I ain’t no holla back girl. 

First of all, I don’t know how to say this dude’s name.  It’s probably ch like chameleon, but I really want to say it like change.  “My music’s so loud I’m swangin.”  I don’t know the verse to this song at all, but the chorus I do because of Weird Al’s “White and Nerdy.”  I don’t even know what swangin’ is.  I probably don’t want to.  Some Urban Dictionary entries suggest it’s swerving while you’re driving.  That makes sense.  It is also confirmed to be a thing I do not want to do.  Safety first, kids.

Snoop makes another appearance!  I defy you to not get into this song.  It’s impossible.  I mean, it has a baby Pharrell, the distributor of untold amounts of happiness.  This song makes me think of being in a Final Cut editing suite at Susquehanna University.  Part of my senior year was spent overseeing the editing of video from certain events on campus.  There was a step show that brought in clubs from different schools, and one of them did a routine to this song.  The nature of editing requires going over the same video 12,000 times, so suffice to say, I’ve heard this one a bit.  I was probably tired of it for a few weeks at the time, but if this pops up now, I’m 100 percent in. “SnooooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOP”

“She says she wants some Marvin Gaye, some Luther Vandross…” I don’t know this song.  Is this Kanye?  It’s Kanye.  Though Songza says it’s Twista.  I don’t know who Twista is, so maybe it’s okay that Songza is confused.  Oh, Wikipedia says this song was on Kanye’s album and Twista’s album.  Well that’s weird.  Let’s just move on.

HAHAHAHAHA. Songza is punking me right now.  I just looked around to see if there was a guy in a Songza suit sitting nearby who was reading over my shoulder and dialing up this playlist based on what I’m writing.  But look, there’s pretty much nobody here:

This was the other season of American Idol I watched (the first one).  I remember playing ping pong with my roommate the night of the finale, and sort of seeing it on the many nearby TVs that were tuned into the showdown between Kelly and Justin Guarini.  Where is that dude now?  Who cares.  We got Kelly, the second greatest of our American Idols, trailing only the perfection that is Carrie Underwood.  “So let me tell you thiiiis. Some people wait a lifetime for a momeeeeent like THIIIIIIIIIIIIS.” 

Now we’re talking.  You stop shaking your head this moment.  You can only scoff at this if you never owned this album and never once enjoyed any Creed song.  I’m not going to go on a long diatribe about how people hate on bands like Creed or Nickelback even though they do the things in the previous sentence and then later pretend they didn’t.  Oh, I guess that’s the sum of my point.  This song didn’t become a #1 just for the hell of it.  Whatevs.  This song makes me think of working at Galyan’s and playing kickball in the parking lot before the store opened during the summer.  That may have been the best thing I’ve ever been paid to do.  More companies should incorporate kickball games into their morning routine.  We’d be a much happier country.

You could convince me this song came out anywhere between 2006 and 2013.  It’s one of those nebulous Maroon 5 songs that I just can’t place alongside any other contextual clues, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like it.  It’s a perfectly fine song.  But “Harder to Breathe”?  I know where I was listening to that.  “Makes Me Wonder” just makes me wonder.  See what I did there?  Maybe an hour of this was too long (15 minutes to go!!!)

“I don’t think they can handle this, WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”  This is a strong entry in the “defy you to sit still while it plays” hall of fame.  Not to mention this ended up being a term in the dictionary.  IN THE DICTIONARY.  I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.

This biggest smile just came over my face.  This song is beyond ridiculous, but I absolutely understand how it’s catchiness was so popular.  The distinct memory attached to this one is being in video production class in my senior year of high school.  This was the class that produced the weekly “news” show for the school, and operated on a lot of us figuring things out as we went.  Want some music in some piece of the show?  Well, we had a guy who burned his entire MP3 collection onto a huge set of CDs and searched through the alphabetized stack to find the song you want.  He had everything, including this one.  I don’t remember what segment went along with it, but there’s absolutely no doubt it made an appearance on Cougar News.  I don’t even want to Google these guys because I’m scared to find out what has become of their lives.  At least they came together for one magical period to give us this butterfly, sugar, baby.

Did I know who Rihanna was before this song?  Maybe?  Oh yeah, she had that “Pon de Replay” song.  Hold on…yes the Internet says that was before this, along with six(!) other singles.  But this was WOAH there’s Rihanna:

Who among us didn’t make 1,000 ella ella ella comments after this came out?  Or perhaps yesterday.  This is an iconic moment in American pop culture and gets my full endorsement (5 mins left!!!).

This list would not be complete without some Eminem, right?  I mean, “if you had one shot or one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted in one moment, would you capture it or just let it slip?” Songza did not let it slip.  Songza was calm and ready to drop bombs.  “That’s when it’s back to the lab again, yo.”  This is one of those song snippets I say to myself from time to time.  It comes out when I’m going to work, or thinking about what I have to do for the rest of the weekend.  Sample: “So I have the Nats game Saturday, long run Sunday morning, sleep, meet X person for a dinner, then back to the lab again, yo.”  Sidenote: some people were just standing near me and I had one of those moments where I wondered if my headphones were actually in or if I have been sitting here for 58 minutes like an oblivious idiot.  I’m not going to check.  There are only two minutes left.  YOLO.

We have arrived at 10 a.m. and our final song. The encore of this set, if you will.  This seems like a fitting choice, Songza.  It’s pretty relaxed.  There’s a nice bit of piano ringing above the baseline.  Rihanna is calmly crooning about this man who has failed in his attempts to woo her, mainly by cheating.  He’s only sorry he got caught.  “Now it’s time to go, curtains finally closing.”  My strawberry smoothie is gone.  “But it’s over now, go on a take a bow.”  Do I take a bow when I stand up to leave?  Would that be a weird thing to do in a Starbucks?  I’m fairly certain the employees are the only ones who have been here the whole time, so the people in line would be really confused.  But then again, would that be something they might tell someone else?  If I don’t follow Rihanna’s instructions, am I robbing these people of a great random story to tell to their friends tonight?  DO I OWE IT TO THEM TO BOW?!  “How ‘bout a round of applause, a standing ovation?”  Okay, let’s say that if they give me a standing ovation, I will bow.  No ovation, no bow.  That makes sense right?  If you went to a play and didn’t give the cast an ovation, would they still bow?  That would seem a little weird right?  Whatever.  “It’s over now.”  Peace.

(Note: the very next song was “It’s Gonna Be Me,” by NSYNC.  I have to say I’m shocked they didn’t make it into our hour of fun.  That Timberlake guy just can’t catch a break.)