A friend asked me the other day to share my thoughts about Honey Boo Boo.
At this moment, I have only the vaguest knowledge of who that is. What I know stems from seeing links to stories about her getting her own shown on TLC, clicking on them, and reading enough to realize she was part of the “Toddlers in Tiaras” crowd.
In the name of cultural literacy, I’m now going to watch one episode of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” and keep a running diary of the experience. May we all get out of this with our health – mental and physical – intact.
First, I’m watching this on-demand. My Verizon FIOS service lists TLC under the category “Info & Education.” I’m ready to learn!
00:00 Wow. Just, wow. I’m not sure I have proper words for my initial reaction. I’ll let my laptop’s webcam help:
01:00 OK, this pageant stuff to begin with is a little creepy to me (though I know several perfectly normal people who have pageant pasts), and this mom certainly is everything I would imagine. The Honey Boo Boo pink t-shirt is a nice touch.
02:00 Soo everyone in this family has a nickname? “Sugar Bear my babby daaaaaady.” Alright then. I would feel the slightest bit bad about commenting about these people, but the mom just admitted “Our family is crazy,” so I think I’m good.
In the past 12 seconds I saw the family chillin on the couch with Honey Boo Boo holding a pig…and then a shot of the entire family drinking what I’m assuming is apple juice out of baby bottles. WHAT.IS.HAPPENING.
03:00 “If we don’t have anything to do that day, I guarantee we’re in the bed until 12, 1, 2…” I understand that as a terrible sleeper myself, there’s no way I would ever do this. But I can’t imagine living like this every day. There has to be soooooomething they can do. I mean, it’s pageant season!!!!
04:00 “As a mom, I try to teach my kids good habits.” I just…I…one of your kids is eating cheese balls for breakfast, others are nicknamed “Chubbs” and “Pumpkin,” and a minute ago the phone rang and you yelled out “booty caaaall.” I’m not sure these two sentences go together.
07:00 There are many places in this world I would consider visiting. The Redneck Games will not be one of them.
13:00 The cheese puffs are back! Good, I hadn’t seen Honey Boo Boo eat in a little while. I was getting concerned. Annnd one of the sisters is eating them off the floor.
14:00 Chubbs: “I was having issues at school trying to fit in, so that’s why I wanted to lose weight.” Not a tremendous reason, but making the decision to improve your health is a good idea.
She just asked her mom, “Will you lose weight with me if I lose weight?” Mom pledged to do this in order to support her daughter, also good thing.
16:00 In the past minute or so the mom has talked about how proud she was about her body, stepped on a scale that read “Error,” got the scale to weigh her in at 309 pounds, then calmly talked about how she wanted to lose 100 pounds.
“When this weight loss challenge is over people won’t be callin’ me Jehadda the Hood or whatever…they’ll be callin’ me Seximus Mama Baby.” I already was never going to watch another episode of this show, but the desecration of “Star Wars” I just witnessed clinched it.
18:00 The host at a “natural” pageant in Georgia: “We’re looking for a pretty smile and lots of personality.” Aren’t we all?
Honey Boo Boo is 6. This child speaks in such crazy bursts that everything is subtitled. Annnd she just polished off what looked like a 32-ounce iced cappuccino, spun around real fast and fell down on the ground. I want to give her some broccoli so bad.
19:00 Mom and dad are rocking their matching “Honey Boo Boo Child” t-shirts – mom in pink, dad in black. Crowd shots of the rest of the attendees – hopefully fellow parents – do not show any others with apparent personalized attire.
20:00 Honey Boo Boo did not win…but says “win or lose, you’re still good.” Preach.
21:00 Leaving the pageant, the family is climbing into their truck…and there’s a pink crown sticker with Honey Boo Boo Alana written around it. At first this was a shake-my-head moment. But really, is it at all different from having a “Cougar Track and Field” or “Erica #19” youth softball sticker on your van?
“Ain’t no one bringing home the crown but me! Honey Boo Boo child.” Say it, gurlfriend.
Oh wow, this is only a half-hour show. I thought I was in for an hour. Honestly, I could have stuck around that long – a major change in my feelings from the first minute of the show. Though I won’t be intentionally watching another episode. I say this as someone who last night watched several hours of “Jersey Shore” episodes I had already seen.
I will say this about the Honey Boo Boo family – they do get along really well and spend time with one another. I like that. They seem to be very supportive of one another, albeit in the 22 minutes of edited content I saw. Still, I think you can tell something even from a snapshot of people’s lives, and I have an overall positive feeling towards these people.
Now let us never speak of this again.
In another episode of the regular show, not dealing with pageants, Mama teaches everyone the recipe for the family's favorite dinner: Sketti.
I'll give you a minute to get your measuring utensils ready.
It's spaghetti, boiled (must throw it against the wall to see if it sticks, to check it's done-ness.) Then a huge tub of Country Crock melted in the microwave, add to it a giant bottle of ketchup (or if you're a Whole Foods shopper, catsup)
Mix well, serve over previously mentioned pasta.
C'EST MAGNIFIQUE!
Well someone just gave me dinner plans for tonight!