If you are doing a Dr. Phil impression, you should be required to use the phrase “that dog just won’t hunt.”

It captures just enough of folksiness with a mix of cliche and lends itself to a southern accent. If you’re dispensing life advice, that’s exactly the tone you should be setting.

While I have been in conversations–usually with northerners–that feature a moment where the other party declares, “there’s the Virginia accent,” I definitely need to add a little extra to do a solid Dr. Phil. Though when it comes to the content of his message, apparently I have enough credibility already.

In a completely inexplicable trend that is conspiring to cost me great amounts of sleep, I have apparently become some sort of life-help guru, especially when it comes to relationships. In the past few months no fewer than four of my friends have come to me to talk about their significant others–either current, future or desired.

Maybe they just know I don’t sleep well and am probably likely one of the only people they know who will answer the phone at 2 a.m. Or maybe they have reviewed my sterling relationship history (ha!) and figure I clearly understand whatever issue is bothering them.

Hard to say.

I think the early hour of most of the calls has a lot to do with it; I’m not fully awake and thus they can just sort of talk themselves out while I keep conscious with an occasional question. It’s also possible that cliches exist for a reason. If you have heard something a hundred times maybe it has some truth to it. And if you have seen any of Dr. Phil’s work, you know that if it ain’t broke don’t fix it, actions speak louder than words and two wrongs don’t make a right.

Now if only I could be asleep at midnight instead of posting a blog. I guess you could say my sleep tonight will be too little too late. I wonder if Dr. Phil can help with that.