Last week my friend Jen(n)a sent me a post from another site ranking “the best obscure Simpsons characters.” While I appreciate the effort of the original, I felt that some of their choices were too mainstream and that I absolutely had a duty to compile my own list.
Let’s get weird.
A: AT-5000 Auto-dialer. One of Professor Frink’s prized inventions, Homer commandeers the machine to robocall every house in Springfield and ask them for money. The citizens (and the police) are not amused, especially Ned Flanders.
B: Barbara Bush. The former first lady of the United States moves in across the street from The Simpsons. Former President George H.W. Bush gets in a feud with Homer and Bart, but Barbara is very kind to them.
C: Supernintendo Chalmers. Also known by his more conventional title, Superintendent Chalmers, he is the thorn in the side of Principal Skinner and has a role in one of the most bizarrely fun scenes in the history of the series.
D – Dylan Spuckler. One of the many, many children of Cletus. His name is heard when Marge shows up to deliver Pretzel Wagon pretzels and Cletus calls all the kids out of the house one-by-one. The family gets a great deal on the pretzels.
E: Eddie. My first agreement with the original list. It’s hard to pass up the guy who is at best the third most notable member of the Springfield Police Department.
F: Frank Grimes Jr. If the original list considers Frank Grimes obscure, why not go the extra step and pick his son?
G – Gabbo. The ventriloquist dummy who threatens to dethrone and ruin the career of Krusty the Clown. He is super duper creepy and eventually screws up his career by calling the kids of Springfield “S.O.B.s” while on air. Whoops.
H: Hans Sprungfeld. The real name of Jebediah Springfield, founder of the town. Hans is a notorious pirate, and only the dogged research of Lisa brings the information to light. I also think this would be a top name for a pet.
I: Itchy. There are few “I” characters, so I’m okay with picking a mouse because he’s small.
J: Jessica Lovejoy. Evil little daughter of Reverend Lovejoy who steals Bart’s heart (or so he thinks). She teaches him hard lessons about not losing who you are no matter how in love you think you are.
K: Khlav Kalash vendor. This guy has a very focused business in New York City. He can sell you Khlav Kalash, Mountain Dew or crab juice. If you, like Homer, are desperate for options while you wait for someone to remove a boot on your car, this is your guy.
L: Laddie. Bart’s mail-order dog who is obnoxiously perfect. The family’s other dog, Santa’s Little Helper, tries so hard to keep up, but in the end his normal goofiness (/dumbness) wins out and Laddie is sent on his way.
M: Mister McCraig. The monster created by Dr. Nick Riviera. Also one of my favorite quotable Simpsons things.
N: Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon. Wife of Apu and mother of octuplets. One of her most prominent episodes involves being wooed by Apu with a week of escalating Valetine’s Day gifts, which include Apu putting himself inside a giant piece of Apu-shaped chocolate.
O: Frank Ormand. The man behind the Pretzel Wagon franchise that Marge buys into. He is less than great at selling the idea on his instructional video, but Marge keeps at it and throws herself entirely into the pretzel game.
P: Puppy Goo Goo. Beloved sleeping companion of my favorite character, Milhouse Van Houten. I mean, just look at this:
Q: I’m just going to cancel the Q entry for lack of qualified candidates.
R: Radioactive Man. Bart’s favorite comic book character, and the subject of a movie that films in Springfield. The lead actor really, really should have obtained better safety goggles.
S: Stampy. Bart’s pet elephant he won from a radio trivia contest. The hosts jokingly offer callers either money or an elephant and are flabbergasted when Bart demands they deliver the elephant. Expenses mount, especially when the family gets Stampy an oversized decorative poncho.
T: Troy McClure. Yeah, yeah, not the most obscure, but given the tragic death of the voice behind McClure, he hasn’t been in a new episode for a very long time. Plus much of Troy’s work involves school instructional videos, so if that’s not obscure I don’t know what is.
U: Uter. I have to agree with the original list here, mostly because any “U” character is by pure number obscure.
V: Very Tall Man. This man is very tall, but drives a small car. Resident bully Nelson makes fun of him, but in another of my favorite quotable moments, the man responds by informing the young man that his budget does not match his size.
W: Wendell. A student at Springfield Elementary, and perhaps the mostly sickly looking kid ever to appear on television.
X: Mister X. The alter-ego Homer uses for his first dive into the Information Superhighway. The town becomes obsessed with unmasking him after he starts posting juicy gossip on the website.
Y: Yakuza. Unsurprisingly, the episode in which Marge starts a pretzel franchise ends with a mafia war on the Simpsons’ front lawn between the resident crew of Fat Tony and the Yakuza.
Z: Artie Ziff. Artie appears in a few episodes that are highly centered on him, but I’m still calling him obscure. He’s also the legit creepiest character to me with his obsession over Marge Simpson, which leads to one episode ending with him singing “I am watching you through a camera.”