If you’ve been waiting for an opportunity to be friends with a super rich person, now is the time to get in on the ground floor. I can’t say exactly how much I will be worth, but I can only assume it will be in the severals of billions of dollars category.
Actually, I know next to nothing about this impending windfall. What I do know is that I got a voicemail full of intrigue.
“Hello, Chris.”
Woah, that’s my name. This call is meant for me. Strong start.
“My name is Stacy [redacted] and I’m senior business advisor for a merger and acquisition firm.”
Okay, okay. Obviously big deals bring out the big guns, otherwise they would have just sent a regular business advisor my way. The real question at this point — am I targeted for a merger of an acquisition?! DOES GOOGLE WANT TO BUY MY COMPANY?!?!
“I was asked to get in contact with you.”
Who asked you? WAS IT GOOGLE, Stacy?
“We’ve got a business interest that’s come up and would like to speak with you about it.”
I’m listening, Stacy. By the way Stacy is from somewhere in southern United States, so imagine each of these sentences dripping with a certain amount of accented hidden drama, like she’s holding a $4 billion check and being coy about calling it a “business interest.”
“So when you’ve got a minute, I’m going to give you my direct number, which is [redacted]. Now that is my private line, so that’ll ring directly into my office.”
If you’ve ever called any sort of company, you know how crucial this direct line situation is. I don’t even have to go through a secretary — it rings DIRECTLY into the office. I also have to point out the amount she stressed the word “private,” which means she doesn’t give out that number to just anyone. That’s reserved for the Google deals.
Now, at this point you may be wondering what sort of company I have since I don’t seem to ever talk about having a company and don’t ever do anything involving a company. All of that is true. But years ago when I was a freelancer at my current place of employment I had to register as an independent contractor, which involved a company where I was the only employee. Said company has long been defunct, but I thankfully remain on all kinds of business listings so that I can get things like office supply catalogs and acquisition offers from Google.
“I’ll be here the remainder of today, which is Tuesday, November 1, as well as tomorrow, Wednesday November 2. Anyway, I look forward to your call. Thank you, so much. Bye bye.”
No, thank you, Stacy. You’re the real hero here.
Wait. No. No no no. It’s way past Wednesday. I didn’t call back in time. IS THE GOOGLE DEAL DEAD, STACY?! I knew I shouldn’t have bought that jet yet.
Oh well. It probably wasn’t Google that had the “business interest” anyway. I’m guessing it was Kramer.