Sleep has become quite elusive in my life.
Initially that didn’t seem like such a bad thing, bringing the potential for more productivity in the increased waking hours. But of course in such a state it’s more difficult to focus on things and I think I have become less productive.
The cause of this insomnia uptick is probably multifaceted, but even without those factors it’s not like I have been a sleeping champ in recent history. Not long ago I was talking to a friend about sleep and figured that it has been a solid 4-5 years since I have slept through a night.
Partly to blame is a wacky work schedule that began two years ago. It features a lot of overnight shifts — but not enough to let my body adjust to that as some sort of new “normal.” In practicality it essentially meant skipping a night of sleep every week for about eight months at my old job. Now in weeks where I take those shifts as a freelancer (like last week and this one) I am reminded of just how it feels to get that little sleep.
Of course it doesn’t help when you do have time to sleep…and…just…can’t.
It’s not easy to just drift off when you have a lot on your mind, especially when you’re lying there thinking things like “how the hell did I get myself into this situation?” Forgive me for any necessary vagueness that follows.
A few weeks ago I found myself in exactly that situation — staring at the ceiling recounting the many steps and permutations of a personal relationship that jumped into rather uncharted territory. (I just wrote and erased a few things I probably shouldn’t say).
Hm. OK. So there are some people who have compared me in certain ways to Jim from “The Office,” and hopefully Jim has reached a popular culture status that doesn’t require any explanation there. But there are certain aspects of the Jim character’s life that I want no part of. Sure, he seems to have just about everything he wants at this point, but there was a pretty rocky/borderline shady period to get there. I know several people who would not (or have not) let that kind of barrier hold them back, but that’s just not me.
While part of my wants to grab the other party and yell things like “AHHHHHHH” and “NOT FAIR” and “YOU HAVE WHAT YOU WANT,” there is a friend side that says more calmly things like “just frustrated” and “drunk” and “it will be OK.” Right now I don’t know which side is going to win, or if there is a middle ground. Can the “friend” route possibly work without ending up right back in the same situation?
In all relationships there are tough times. Some people hunker down and work through anything while others are better at cutting and running away. I’m probably better at option B, which is probably due to the Drama Avoidance chip embedded deep in my brain.
Though even when you are in what should be the most drama-free situation possible (single, living with two longtime male friends), a girl can still leave you staring at a ceiling with three letters going through your head — w.t.f.
Happy sleeping.