Remember Oregon Trail? If you’re anywhere close to my age, this game was pretty much the greatest thing to happen to your educational experience.
I was thinking about it the other day and thanks to the Internet I was able to find a way to play. I thought I had what was a good crew when we set out, but I quickly learned that my party was not the most ready to make the grueling trip.
We have me leading the way, the perfect sidekick in Milhouse Van Houten, my roommate MkLovin, actress Anna Kendrick for her small yet entertaining ways, and traveling music courtesy of Norah Jones.
As a refresher, here’s where we’re going:
We set out on April 1 with 1,100 pounds of food and high spirits all around. But like a Real World cast that finds drama as soon as possible, it took exactly three days for our first major problem to arise:
Dammit, Milhouse! I had immediate regrets about bringing him along, but surely a broken leg isn’t the end of the world right?
DAMMIT, MILHOUSE. To recap, he broke his leg on day three and died on day four. Not a good omen. But hey, more food and clothing for the rest of us! We got back on the trail and made it across a river, only to have to stop for a day to dry out our stuff. And then…
What is going on with this journey? Are we playing tackle football around the campfire at night? Fortunately, Anna’s leg healed and we went three solid weeks before she got sick and our collective health dropped to “fair.”
Wait, a fire in the wagon? I would think Milhouse would have been capable of such stupidity, but the kid is no longer a part of this brain trust. At least all we lost was stuff and everyone is waking away healthy.
Tough getting a snakebite right before Independence Day. He might have to skip the fireworks and hang out in our charred wagon. The rest of our July was pretty quiet, except for an ox injury. Then the August of Norah Jones’ discontent began:
Typhoid Norah, huh? No worries, I think she can get through this okay and have a long, productive, happy life. Pause on Norah for a second. It seems there are criminals along the route:
Way to get away with the important stuff! Hope you enjoy those sweaty shirts. We haven’t seen a laundromat this whole time! Back to Norah:
Strong — typhoid, now a fever. What’s next, a broken bone for her, too?
Okay, okay, we’ve had a few of those on the trip already and only one of those people died. I’m optimistic she’s going to bounce back.
DAMMIT, NORAH. Are you receiving vials of disease samples from the government every time we stop? This is getting ridiculous. Maybe it would be better if you weren’t on the trip.
The game doesn’t explain the circumstances of this death, and it’s best for all if nobody asks questions. #SnitchesGetStitches. With Norah gone, we can finally move forward with the relatively healthy three of us who remain.
Come on, Anna! A second broken leg? Are you made of glass? If you’ll recall, we don’t have a great track record of treating broken legs.
I hate to say I told you so, but…I kinda told you so. Whatever. The weak links are gone, time for MkLovin and I to close out this trip.
Exhausted from what, sitting in a wagon while oxen pull you to your destination? I’m not giving you a break on this one. You need to work just as hard as the rest of the crew, aka me, until we get there.
It’s possible this journey suffers from poor leadership. I mean, I don’t want to blame myself, but all four of my traveling companions died after having stupid injuries. I guess if I’m all alone, I might as well enjoy the spoils of rationing for one.
Filling it is! With just one person in the wagon and consuming the stockpile of food at a fast rate, it took only five more days to reach our/my destination.
If only the rest of my crew could have seen such a lovely sight. Next time I’ll choose a more travel-worthy group. I wonder if The Rock is available.