Several times over the past few years I’ve been involved in a conversation that went like this:

For all of the proponents of that idea, Merry Christmas:

For some reason there’s an online application that requires only a few basic bio questions, while the mail-in version is six pages long.  It’s a PDF file you can’t type in, and has the wonderful file name of “GuyApplication.”

I decided that if I’m putting in any effort here, I might as well put in a lot and hand-write this sucker.  Of course I wouldn’t have to do it at all if one of you had gone to the trouble of nominating me:

I really want to know how often that happens and what the person’s reaction is.

The first page and a half of the application is all the boring information like height, place of birth and education level.  Then we get to the good stuff, like asking if I’ve been arrested or convicted of a crime, and this:

Then we get to some curious decisions by the people who constructed this application.  Ever been married and need to explain the potentially complicated reason it didn’t work out?  Here’s two lines:

Sure, maybe you’re just writing “cheating” or “wouldn’t let me have turtles,” but I’m guessing most of the time you’d need some room.  Wait, I found some spare space on the next page:

But now we have the good questions, the ones where I feel like I was able to mix ridiculousness with complete honesty.  I’ll type them rather than use pictures so they’ll be easier to read.

Q: Are you genuinely looking to get married?
A: Yes

Q: Why would you want to find your spouse on our TV show?
A: I believe this process brings out the best in people and truly highlights the depth of their character.  Plus, who doesn’t love TV?!

(Ok that was not very honest, but let’s move on…)

Q: Do you drink alcoholic beverages?
A: Yes

Q: What’s your favorite drink?
A: Half Mountain Dew Sangrita Blast/Half Mountain Dew Baja Blast (from Taco Bell)

Q: Do you have any special talents? Tell us!
A: I can solve a Rubik’s Cube and wiggle my ears.  Expert Taco Bell menu adviser.  I almost never miss behind-the-back paper towel shots in public bathrooms.

(If I’m not already in the keeper pile by this point I don’t know what they’re looking for.  Let’s bring it home!)

Q: List 3 adjectives that would surprise people about you:
A: I’ve already revealed so much already.  Let the viewers figure out this one.  We’ll have plenty of time.

Q: What have you not found but would like to have in a relationship?
A: The sweet spot between “WTF and likes me” and the opposite of that.

Q: Do you think you are ready for marriage? If so why — or why not?
A (2nd half): Also, in case I haven’t stressed this enough elsewhere, baseball is vitally important.  The term “deal-breaker” is pretty strong, but it absolutely applies in this case.

Get ready, America.